Q: Would a guy like it if i just walked up behind him and moved my hand half way down his arm he's my friend?

A: Oh my God, he would love it!

If you are hot, he'll love it even more.

There's nothing a guy likes more than aggressive physical contact, clearly flirtatious, from a sexy girl who thinks of him as nothing more than a friend.

Put your hands all over him, run your fingers through his hair, squeeze his leg under the table - as long as it's completely platonic, he'll be thrilled!

If you really want to make him happy, and I mean ecstatic beyond belief, sit on his lap, gently caress his chest, lean into him real close, put your lips inches from his ear and whisper "I like you as a friend."

He'll be over the moon!

There's nothing a guy likes more than a really attractive woman who sees him as nothing more than a sexless, non-threatening, conversation lump. Something about the whole scenario makes a guy feel more manly.

Q: How heating can change the water?

A: There's an old saying about cooking a frog.

If you bring a pot of water to boil, then toss a frog in there, that frog will jump right out and run away.

But, if you put the frog in a pot of cold water, place it on the burner and slowly turn up the heat, that frog will sit there, not moving a muscle, even when the water boils, and even as it's getting cooked.

What I'm trying to tell you is that your Grandma died.

I don't know what I was getting at with that whole frog thing.

Q: Are nurses allowed to have visible tattoos during work hours?

A: Generally, no. But we will make special exceptions if the tattoo is unobtrusive, and tasteful, and inoffensive.

There will be no exception made for your tattoos, since they are obtrusive, tasteless and highly offensive.

You will have to cover them up if you wish to continue working here.

I understand that your tattoos are a form of personal expression and that by asking you to cover them up, I am, in fact, silencing your soul. I really don't care.

You are a nurse at a maternity ward. Your dead baby tattoos are incredibly inappropriate.

Especially since they seem to be brand new.

And homemade.

And bear the names of all the babies born here in the past week.

Q: How can the wind help you find direction?

A: Sir, the phrase "See which way the wind blows," means figuring out how the general public feels about a particular issue. If we have a sense of what the man on the streets thinks and expects, than we can come out in favor of it and everyone will like you.

A lot of people think that politicians should be leaders and do what they think is right and inspire the American people to follow. Those people lose a lot of elections.

And then their campaign contributors don't get the reduced regulations and favorable laws they paid all that good money to get.

When campaign contributors don't get what they want, they are less likely to contribute in the future, which makes it hard to buy air time, which makes it hard to tell people that you agree with them. If people don't know that you agree with them, why would they vote for you?

But before we can agree with them, we need to figure out what they think. Once we know that, we can pretend to believe whatever they believe, so we can win the election and do the bidding of our generous backers.

We find out what they think with polls and surveys. That's what we mean when we say "See which way the wind blows."

We don't mean the literal wind.

Please take your finger out of the air.

The press has been taking pictures.

And did you really have to choose that finger?

Q: How is a cricket's digestive system different from humans?

A: First of all, it's much smaller. Significantly smaller.

Really tiny.

Other than that, it's pretty much the same. There's a stomach, and an intestine, and a colon. There's also this thing called a gizzard. I don't think you have one of those. At least I didn't see one during the operation. But, to be honest, there was a lot going on, and people were shouting, and I was still kind of drunk.

I wasn't planning on working today. I thought I had the day off. Turns out, I misread the schedule.

At least, that's what I tell people. Between you and me, I'm trying to get fired. I hate it here. I never wanted to be a surgeon. That was my father's dream. I've always wanted to sing.

I've tried everything to get fired. I've shown up late, shown up drunk, sexually harassed every nurse and orderly I see ... and nothing. Absolutely nothing. They kept sending me into the OR.

But I think I've solved that problem.

They're going to have to fire me for this one. How can they possibly employ a surgeon who replaced a patient's entire digestive system with the digestive system of a cricket? It just won't make any sense.

Oh, by the way, try not to eat anything bigger than a pea, or it will get really ugly, real quick.