Q: How is the horse race purse split?

A: 50% goes to the owner of the horse.
  
    25% goes to the trainer.
  
    15% goes to the jockey.
  
    10% goes to the little man who lives in the jockey's head and controls his every moment with an elaborate system of pulleys.

Q: What does it mean when a guy told the teacher about taking you in a romantic place?

A: The entire faculty knows that you are really easy and have a fetish for teachers.

You haven't exactly been hiding it.

You constantly flirt with the teachers.

And moan in  ecstasy whenever they say your name.

Then you made that website, TeachersIveBangedAndHopeToBang.Com.

And the accompanying desk calendar. I bet that was a hot seller.

The whole little school girl thing was cute for a while, sexy even.

But it's time to face facts.

You are a 48 year old student at a community college.

And that uniform really doesn't fit anymore.

Q: Is broken colored glass good luck?

A: Not for that church you just vandalized.

Nor for you, your loved ones, your friends, and your family, for generations to come.

When you threw that rock, you angered Jesus.

You won't like Jesus when he's angry.

He holds a grudge, and he's coming after you.

He's been watching a lot of UFC, so he knows all kinds of new chokes and kicks.

I would advise you to start running, but that advise is largely useless.

Jesus is also super fast.

Don't bother praying. He doesn't answer prayers. You're thinking of his father.

Q: Is it a conflict of interest to treat the same patient if you are both a PT and RN?

A: You're not in trouble for your work as a therapist, or a nurse. There's no problem with you treating the injuries and helping patients rehab.

The problems is with you causing the injuries.

We appreciate all the work you've done drumming up business for the hospital. All the late night muggings. All those safe dropped from the top floor. All those booby traps.

However, it has come to my attention that those activities, which have resulted in dozens of very serious, yet highly lucrative injuries, are illegal.

Highly illegal.

Batman villain level illegal.

At this time, I would like to point out that while I may have encouraged you to injure people so they would need our care, I never put anything in writing. You are the one who has done all the actual, physical damage. Your word alone will not stand up in court.

Thank you for all your hard work. Please enjoy your severance package, a carton of cigarettes. You'll probably need that where you are going.

Q: Can the judge who signed the warrant for the defendant be the judge at his trial?

A: You know what? That's an excellent question!

I will absolutely look into that. I should probably know the answer. It may come in handy at your trial.

I'm going to be honest with you, I've had a hard time focusing lately. My work's been real sloppy.

I'm so nervous. I've never tried a criminal case before.

I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I have never been in court before.

I really shouldn't tell you this, but I never passed the bar exam. I never took it. I'm not a lawyer.

A few years ago, you'll appreciate this one, because you're a criminal, I was going through a really rough stretch. Broke. Divorced. Miserable. Drunk all the time. Just hating life. I stopped my car at a gas station, where I couldn't even afford one gallon. Not one. I was that broke.

There was a guy there, at the next pump, real nice car, dressed real sharp. Had a real fancy watch. When he finished pumping gas, he had to use the bathroom. He left his car unlocked, with the keys in it.

Well, one thing led to another and I followed that man into the bathroom, strangled him, stole his clothes, his watch and his car. Turns out, he was on his way to LA to start work with a new law firm. They'd never seen him before. No idea what he looked like.

After I'd stolen so much, stealing his identity made perfect sense.

Now don't freak out, I've picked up quite a few tidbits about the law over the past few years. I watch a lot of Boston Legal. You should be fine.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom. This judge gives me a hard time when he smells booze on my breath.