Q: Is rules a house of subcommittee?

A: Welcome to the U.S. House of Representatives. Congratulations on your election. You fought a tough and bitter campaign full of negative ads, push polls, race-baiting speeches and false promises and deserve to be here in the nation's capital. I'm sure you're excited to be sworn in, take the floor of the hallowed House for the first time and start making laws that benefit your largest contributors, but before you do, there's a few things you should know. In the U.S. House of Representatives, rules is not a subcommittee, rules are a way of life.

The first rule of the U.S. House of Representatives is that there are no rules.

The second rule of the U.S. House of Representative is that all rules, including and especially the aforementioned rule are subject to committee, followed by a floor debate, followed by a Yay or Nay vote; rules receiving a majority of votes will be considered passed following approval by the Senate, the House and the Senate together, and the President. Subsequently rules, including the aforementioned first rule are subject to amendments requesting financing for virtual reality petting zoos, super-conducting, super-computing, super-sized fried potatoes, and tastefully erotic photos of female staff.

The third rule of the U.S. House of Representatives is that there are many, many rules. This rule overrides the first rule of the House of Representative. For a full list of rules contact your representative. If you are your representative, go to the Library of Congress, look for the librarian with the withered hand and the one red eye - if you can't find her, ask for Janice - tell her that "The seeds of democracy are best watered with Yoo-Hoo, American's Favorite Chocolate Drink," and read whatever she gives you, except the map to her apartment and drawings from the Kama Sutra; Janice gets a little frisky and refuses to remove said erotica from the Congressional Rules Archive no matter how fiercely we paddle her.The paddling might not be the answer.

The fourth rule of the U.S. House or Representatives is that anything said on the floor of the U.S. House of Reprensentatives stays on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives. Or is broadcast on C-Span. Either way, it's not for public consumption.

The fifth rule of the U.S House of Representatives is that lunch is at 1:30PM and steak is mandatory. If you are a vegetarian, steak will be provided.

The sixth rule of the U.S. House of Representatives is that the work week contains 3 days, the month two weeks and the year 7 months. You are required to be on the floor for most of the votes during that period unless you're busy with your re-election campaign or you're on a fact-finding mission or you have a cold or you don't feel like it or you have tickets to an important football, baseball, basketball, girls' field hockey or professional wrestling match. Absences other than for the above mentioned reasons require letters from 51% of your constituents excusing you from service.

There are 167 more rules, but that's enough for now. I don't want to overwhelm you on your first day. You'll have the next two years to be overwhelmed, ineffective and a drain on the nation.