Q: Why it is essential for accurate vital signs?

A; Funerals are big business. People love to spend money -  tons of money, more than they can afford - on lavish funerals for their deceased loved ones. I guess they think they money they spend will make up for the love they withheld during their life. Something like that. I don't really know. I don't care to ask. I just cash the checks. All those big checks.

Here's the thing about the funeral business: People keep dying. No matter what we do, no matter what progress scientists make, people keep dying. Every single day. We will always be in demand.

Unless, of course, we break the Golden Rule of Funerals.

Make sure the guy in the coffin is dead. That's the Golden Rule. That's the only rule! That's the most important part of our job.

Always make sure the deceased is deceased. That's all you have to do. That's why we have this stethoscope. And this mirror. And this hammer.

Hit him on the knee with a hammer. If he moves, he's not dead. If he's not dead, hit him on the head with the hammer.

Get on with it, the mourners are getting restless. And I see an attractive widow in need of some vigorous consoling.

Q: Is it illegal to have a pet monkey in Texas?

A: I'm not a lawyer. Nor am I am a judge. I tried to be a judge once, but it turns out there are more requirements than having your own robe and gavel. I pointed out that I am also very judgmental. No one in the court room seemed impressed. A riot started, or something. All I know is there was a lot of yelling and cursing, people were fighting. A bailiff drew his gun. I got out of there as soon as I could.

What were we talking about?

Right, the monkey. You're still on about that.

Look, we can spend all day arguing back and forth about the legality of owning a pet monkey in Texas, or the morality of training the monkey to kill or the stupidity of giving a trained monkey assassin a cocktail of Red Bull, vodka, cocaine, speed and Viagra, but it won't solve anything. You can stand there and yell and scream and call me names until you're blue in the face, but it's not going to bring your poodle back to life.

Instead of pointing fingers and placing blame, maybe you should take some responsibility. Ask yourself, "Did I do anything to cause the death of my poodle? Am I responsible in any way? By dressing her in bows and ribbons and spending a fortune on grooming, did I make the mistake of making her too attractive to a coked-up, killer monkey?"

Spend some time in front of the mirror and ask yourself those questions. The answers you find might surprise you. Even if they don't, you'll have given me more than enough time to make my escape.

You should probably go look in that mirror now, my monkey found your power tools.