Q: What happens when you drink alcohol?

A: First, you begin to relax. You lighten up a bit and feel the stress of the day fade away.

Then, you become more talkative, your inhibitions disappear, and you'll really start to enjoy yourself.

Soon, you''ll discover that you have an opinion on everything, and you are not afraid to share it, at the top of your voice, and everybody better goddamn listen, because you are hilarious.

Eventually, you'll bump into a co-worker you consider attractive, or are able to convince yourself is attractive, and you'll spend a long time talking to her, inching ever closer, constantly wondering when's the best time to begin groping.

At some point you'll think shots are a good idea.

Oh my God! This place has beer pong!

Later in the night, you'll be amazed by some of your profound insights on the true nature of man, and by your ability to vomit into the urinal without missing.

Switching to scotch makes sense.

There are some fuzzy spots here.

Did I make out with someone?

I think I remember yelling. There was probably some yelling. And I may have bought a dozen Chuck Norris DVDs on Amazon?

In the morning, you will have a body headache, cotton mouth and unexplained bruises on your forearms. Your wife will be very mad at you. And you'll realize you are late for work, with barely enough time for a bong hit before you run out the door.

The good news: It's only a few hours until lunch, and the Mexican place on the corner has awesome margaritas.

Q: What are the elements to a plot?

A: 1.) Set Up. The characters and setting are introduced and the main conflict explained.
2.) Rising Action - The characters engage themselves in the conflict, alliances are made, tension builds.
3.) Climax - The characters face the conflict directly, alliances are broken, loved ones die or are seriously injured.
4.) Falling Action - The characters deal with the conflict, alliances are rebuilt, there are funerals or miraculous recoveries.
5.) Resolution - The story comes to a fulfilling ending, often with off-camera lovemaking, or an on-camera, freeze-frame high five.
6.) Big Twist - The characters are revealed to be dead the whole time, or figments in the imagination of a minor character.
7.) Post Credits Sequence - A great place to  plug the sequel, or show hilarious outtakes.

Q: What is the meaning of the natural frequency of a body?

A: The human body consists of millions and millions of atoms. These atoms vibrate at high speeds, essentially giving us shape and mass. These vibrations literally create us. If we understand these vibrations, we can understand who we are as people. These vibrations send out a frequency and only those very attuned to the frequency can hear them.

Lucky for you, I am one of those people.

I can feel your vibrations and I can tell you who you really are and what you really want to do with your life. But first, you will need to disrobe. Clothing has it's own vibrations and can interfere with my reading. Now, climb into the bath tub. Water conducts the vibrations and allows me to hear them clearer.

If I close my eyes, and place my had a few inches from your body, I can actually feel your vibrations. I can feel your whole body moving and shaking, on a sub-atomic level. The very essence of your being splashing around, crying out for me, crying out to be saved.

Honestly, your vibrations are much louder than most peoples. These are some exceptionally violent vibrations. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were being electrocuted.

Huh, that's weird. Your vibrations suddenly stopped. I've never felt anything like -

Oh.

Oh boy.

I forgot to mention that I often enjoy a nice piece of toast while I bathe. And, funny story, I have a toaster that looks exactly like a rubber ducky. But I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

Or anything that you can even hear.

Q: Can a US senator vote for the vice president?

A: No one votes for the Vice President. Not directly anyway.

People vote for the ticket, the combination of President and Vice President. They are elected together, as a team. Senators have no control over the Vice Presidency, no matter what they claim.

So, despite what Senator Graham told you, Mr. Biden, he has no actual power over you. He didn't put you in office. He can't take you out of office.

He was just mad because you took the last piece of cheesecake. He loves cheesecake.

I'm sure he didn't mean to make you cry. Once he's done eating his cheesecake, and pointing and laughing at you, I'm sure he'll come right back over and apologize.

Q: What is the size of Northern Ireland in the United Kingdom?

A: Not very large at all. Terribly small, in fact.

If you take a look at this map, you will see that Northern Ireland is no bigger than our own kingdom. Please note, this map is not to scale.

In actuality, Northern Ireland is much larger than our kingdom. Every thing is, sir. It's the nature of new nations that they must start small, at the very bottom. Only be conquering foreign lands does a nation begin to grow.

Look at America. Once a mere thirteen colonies, now a vast and powerful country, stretching from sea to sea, and with holdings all over the globe. But that didn't happen over night. American's expansion took years.

You have to start somewhere, sir. What better place than Nothern Ireland?

And according to our intelligence, we should be able to conquer them with no problem.

Now, obviously, our intelligence in this matter is somewhat sparse. Our lone intelligence officer doubles as our  pool boy. You know Doug, sir. He compiled this report.

I'm not sure if report is really the right word. More of a drawing actually. But if I read it correctly, it seems that once we defeat a trio of Leprechauns, cross a river of green beer and wrestle a Bogman, we will rule the nation and all the glorious wenches will be ours for the taking.

Would you care to see the drawing, sir? There are many wenches and they have been rendered in exquisite detail. If he can't make a go of it as an intelligence officer, or pool boy, Doug might have a future as an illustrator. Although I do question his understanding of anatomy. And physics. Some of these wenches would have the most terrible back pain.

Nevertheless, Doug tells me they exist and they look forward to our arrival. He says they will treat us like liberators and will be very grateful. Very. Grateful.

At your command, I will ready the air force and navy for the invasion.

Be aware that the navy needs about an hour to get ready. We lost our bike pump and I'll need to inflate the raft by myself.