Q: When and how was the floods discovered in Austrailia?

A: One morning, they noticed that, where there once was nothing but sand and dessert, there was now a large puddle. They thought nothing of it an returned to drinking.

Later, they noticed that, instead of sinking into the ground as they assumed it would, the puddle had grown, and now covered everything and rose to their knees. They canceled their rugby match and got back to drinking.

Eventually, they noticed the puddle had continued to grow, had drowned all the livestock, destroyed many houses, and ruined all the cars. Suspecting that the water might not be going anywhere, and would soon start drowning people, they grabbed every available scrap of wood, constructed a boat, and set sail on a Booze Cruise that continues to this day.

Q: What do you tell a customer if credit card machine is broken?

A: Look him in the eye and say, "I'm sorry, sir. Our credit card machine is not working at this time. We will gladly take cash for your purchase."

Then remind him that he probably should be paying cash in the first place. If he really can't afford something, he probably shouldn't buy it. That's just good, sound, financial advice.

If he bristles at your advice, point out that you are the one wearing a tie and demand some respect. If he continues to argue, point out that you are the one with a job and he's the one shopping for video games in the daytime when normal people are at work. To top it off, he can't even afford these children's game and is only arguing with you to feel better about himself and his dead-end, worthless existence.

If he continues to argue, and at this point he may be making threats, calmly say "I'm sorry that life has passed you by, sir. Please step aside so other customers can make their purchases, which they can afford, and get back to their happy productive lives." That should end things.

If you need to, feel free to call mall security. They have tasers now and they are not afraid to use them. Have you ever seen a man get tased? It's pretty awesome.

Whatever you do, don't tell the customer that the credit card machine is broken because I spilled Jaggermeister on it during that party we had in the store last week. We aren't supposed to be having parties in the store and some of those girls are still in high school. I don't want word to spread, except to other girls in the high school.

Q: Do you should gain weight or maintain it?

A: Oh, dear, you should gain it! Absolutely.

Think of all the fun you'll have, eating fried chicken all day and drinking milkshakes at night.

I heard that when George Clooney gained weight for his role in Syriana, he drank pints of melted Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

Doesn't that sound wonderful?

I say, gain all the weight you want. Just pack it on. You'll feel better, you'll be happier and it's sure to help your career.

Name me one successful actress in Hollywood who isn't big and fat?

Q: Why sand before varnishing?

A: Sandpaper gives the wood a rough edge and allows the varnish to soak in and really take hold.

That would be sand paper. Rough, gritty, sand paper.

Handfuls of sand, thrown haphazardly all over the wood, wouldn't help the varnish hold at all. All that sand would just make a mess of things.

But you know that already.

I think it's charming that you wanted to do something special for Mother on her big day, but creating the world's finest coffin might have been a bit more than you could handle, seeing as how you have never worked with wood before, and you only decided to make the coffin late last night, after many hours of heavy drinking.

I'm sure Mother would have been very impressed with your effort and would have taken back all those nasty things she said about you on her death bed.

You don't remember any nasty things?

I guess that would make sense. She often said them while you were in the other room, or when she was sure you weren't listening. I took the trouble to write them down, so you would have a clear understanding of how Mother felt about you.

I had them bound in book-form. Here you go. I suggest starting with the chapter "No One Can Break A Mother's Heart Quite Like A Son." It's a wonderful read.

Q: What happens when you spray the trunk of a palm tree with spray paint?

A: We let everyone know that this park belongs to the Vipers and that, if they step foot in here, they should expect to be robbed, and beaten, possibly raped, depending on their attractiveness, at the very least yelled at, or, depending on their physical stature and their approximate level of fitness, merely stared at with menace, until they make eye contact, at which point we will adjust our gaze downward and mutter something under our breath.

We also let rival gangs know that we have claimed this park, that we go by the name The Vipers, that their suggested names, such as Sissyboys and Sallyasses and Little-Miss-Nancies-Go-Home-And-Cry-To-Your-Momma, will no longer be tolerated.