Q: How is Tim McGraw revolutionary?

A: He overthrew the government, burned down all the banks and executed anyone with a post-graduate degree. It doesn't get more revolutionary than that.

Don't call me crazy. It's all right here in this newspaper. This newspaper dated July 14th, 2021.

Oh. Yes, well, this is one of my newspapers from the future. That old German man who lived on the corner gave them to me. I mean, he didn't really give them to me, I kind of took them after he was arrested and tried and hanged for being a wizard. But he would have wanted me to have them. As long as you pretend he didn't know that I was the one who betrayed him to the authorities.

Anyway, enough about what happened last week. Let's focus on tonight. You better get dressed. The Tim McGraw concert is in an hour. I strongly suggest you go.

Q: Is burning cheese a chemical reaction?

A: Burning Cheese is the name of my band, Dad. I've told you this dozens of times. I've invited you to my shows and played you my records and emailed you links to our reviews. We're kind of like the Dave Matthews Band, but with a tuba player, and a guy who breakdances. And another guy who pours Jolt on the guy who breakdances. I've explained all this to you before.

Chemical Reaction was the name of my short lived podcast about drug use. Despite it's popularity, it was quickly shut down, mostly due to protests about the content. Some of the local parents did not approve of my practice of conducting interviews with their pets while high. As if their pets never got high. I didn't even give them drugs. They were high when I found them.

If you'll recall, that's the same defense I used in court, right before I was sentenced to three years in prison for possession with intent and animal cruelty.

That's where I was for all that time. I was in prison. Not up in my room, listening to music and being sad.

I'd really appreciate it if you could play a more active role in my life, Dad. You never come to my shows. You never visited me in prison. You never support anything I do.

I'm kind of sick of your excuses.

I don't care that you've been dead for eight years. That doesn't stop you from going to Jasper's Intergalatic Spaceball games. And those things are all imaginary. Like Jasper.

Q: What is the best song by death?

A: Honestly, I'm not a big fan of his music. 

All his songs sound the same and they're so self-indulgent and full of self-pity. "Oh, poor me, I have to kill people all day. Some of them are young and beautiful. It's so hard being the Angel of Death." 

Wah, wah, wah. Cry me the River Styx. 

At least people know who he is. At least he does something that matters. At least he has some impact.

You think it's hard being the Angel of Death? Trying being the Angel of Apathy. 

You didn't even know there was an Angel of Apathy did you?

Now that you know I exist, how do you feel?

Figures. 

Q: Why should people play the flute?

A: I thought we were all serious about this. I thought we wanted to make music, play shows, make money, get laid all the time and live the rock star lifestyle.

We all agreed that, since we are not very creative, and non of us can write good lyrics, or write good music, or even read music, that the best way for us to achieve our dreams was to become a tribute band.

So, we all picked a band, and we wrote it on a piece of paper, and we put the paper in the hat.

Jeff, if you had won, and we became a Kansas tribute band, I sure as hell would have learned to play the violin.

And Tommy, if you had won, and we became an Onyx tribute band, we would have taught ourselves to rap.

But that didn't happen. You didn't win.

I won. Fair and square.

And since I won, we're going to base ourselves after my favorite band.

And we can't be a Jethro Tull tribute band if nobody plays the motherfucking flute!

Q: What is the value of Bing Crosby Merry Christmas Decca Records 6 record set?

A: A set like that, in mint condition, would be very valuable.

However, a set of six cassette tapes that feature an angry, drunken woman mumbling her way through Bing Crosby songs while yelling at her son and telling graphic stories about fellating Spiro Agnew would be worthless.

Completely worthless.

Guess which one you have?

Q: What songs will make a girl smile and make her realize we shouldn't be fighting?

A: "Got Your Money" by Ol' Dirty Bastard featuring Kelis.

You'll laugh and she'll laugh and she'll realize how silly she's being and how good she has it with you she'll hand over the money. Then she'll give you a hug, and a kiss on the cheek, and, if she has time, maybe a quickie behind the dumpster.

Of course, you should only play this song if she actually has your money.

If she doesn't, or you think she's holding out on you, you should probably keep fighting. How else is she going to learn? She's been on that corner for four hours, she's gotta have some money.

Q: What is the song called that goes double them booty?

A: It is called Symphony Number 29 in A Minor by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The lyrics in question are not as apparent as those in modern-day music, but they are there, between the lines, seemingly beneath the lines, in the silence.

I am beginning to suspect one of you has spiked my tea.

Q: What do you call the man who sings for snake?

A: We call him Gus, but his real name is Murry. I'm not sure how he got the name Gus. I guess someone said it and it just caught on.

He only sings for Snake on Wednesday and Fridays. Those are the nights Snake bowls in the co-ed league over at Ken's. Snake's a real good singer, but bowling is his passion.

Music is Gus's passion, but he's not much of a singer. Still, we let him go up there twice a week to mumble and growl and live out his dream.

The crowd doesn't much care for it. They say the most awful things.

Gus doesn't mind. He just smiles and keeps making those awful noises. I guess it's because he can't hear them, on account of being deaf-mute.

Q: Who made embassy banjos?

A: In some ways, Embassy Banjos made themselves, created by the spirit of music itself.

In another, more literal, far more accurate way, Embassy Banjos were made by hillbillies. Men named Billy, who lived in the hills of West Virginia. Cruel, evil men, who tracked innocent hikers by day and spent the night killing them, tanning their skin and stretching it across banjo frames made from their bones.

Homemade Human Skin and Bone Banjos Made By Cannibals frightened consumers more than the Billies expected. After much consideration, debate, and violence, they settled on the name Embassy Banjos.

Q: What to do when your sound doesn't work on a mac?

A: Accept the fact that you are deaf and your childhood dream of being a world famous composer will never come true.

Set your sights on a new, achievable dream, like being really good at Farmville.

Q: Who sounds the bugle at the beginning of a battle?

A: Generally, we pick the worst soldier to play the bugle. Unfortunately, since we are considerably out-manned, we need every able soldier to fight, even those with very poor aim, or the ones who are cowards.

But fear not men, we will not charge into battle without a call to arms. I have with me a cassette tape of famous bugle sounds.

One second, let me just put it in my portable stereo. And press play.

It's probably not wise to start with "Taps". I'll just fast forward a little bit.

Oh, that's not very heroic either.

You know what, the enemy is very close and I know you are excited to fight. Let's all just pretend we heard a rousing call to arms and charge into battle. All right then, on with it.

Q: Can an experienced guitar player give me some tips?

A: Guitar strings are typically made of nylon or steel. They are not drawn on in crayon.

Q: Why you should ban mining?

A: The definitive song on mine disasters has already been written.

Q: What is the meaning of the song On My Own by Three Days Grace?

A: It means I don't want to see you any more. I don't understand why you don't get this.

I told you I wanted to see other people. Then I told you I wanted to see other people exclusively, and not you. Then I told you never to call me again. Then I changed my number, moved to another state and legally changed my name to Three Days Grace.

And yet, you found me.

So I did the only thing I could. I taught myself how to write music and how to play the guitar, the bass and the drums. I wrote that song, got a record deal and released the song. I even dedicated it to you.

You are mentioned, specifically by name, in the song.

When will you get it. When will you understand that I don't want to be with you.

It was just one date.

God, I am so exhausted.