Q: What type of license is needed to start a lawn care service in California?

A: I don't really think you need a license. If you want to earn a little money so you can take your girlfriend to the movies or buy her a necklace or pay for an abortion - I was a kid once, I understand that things happen; I just don't want to know - if you want a little extra money, for whatever reason, all you have to do is start knocking on doors and letting people know that you are willing to cut their grass or trim their hedges for a reasonable price.

I would assume it would help to have some experience in that sort of thing, not a resume or anything, but a familiarity with the basics of lawn care - you know, what to cut, what not to cut, that sort of thing. People take pride in their lawn and they wouldn't want to hire someone, even someone as young and handsome and obviously fertile as yourself - again, don't want to know - without knowing that they can trust you to spruce up the lawn and not clip their prized rhododendrons by mistake or confuse their beloved cat with a weed and run over it with the mower. What I'm saying is don't tell them about what happened when I let you drive the riding mower. Just keep that to yourself.

You'll also need some tools. Sure most people will have a mower you can use, but you can't expect them to have weed-whackers and hedge-trimmers and lye and insecticide. Some of that you'll have to provide. Or steal. Whichever makes the most sense. Again, please keep me in the dark.

You may not have the experience, or the tools, but you do have a passion for lawn care, and that might be enough. When people hire a lawn care professional, they want someone who is passionate about grass. They'll be willing to overlook a lack of experience and a paucity of tools if you can show them that you are passionate about making their lawn the belle of the block. But you can take that idea too far. Too much passion for grass will turn off even the most desperate homeowner. You understand what I'm saying?

Are you sure? Because it doesn't seem like you understand what I'm saying.

Please stop fucking the grass.