Q: How much does a pool in a condo building add value to the units?

A: Our central pool is a modern infinity pool, sleek and luxurious, and offering some of the greatest views in the city. The pool maintains a temperature of 72 degrees, allowing for year-round use. Six feet at it's deepest and two feet in the shallows, our pool also features six built-in chaise lounges for tanning, relaxing or chatting with friends. Our state-of-the-art media center features inputs for iPod, iPad, PS4 and XBox One. We have a water-proof high definition projector as well as a 204" screen that rises up from the pool at the push of a button. In under three minutes our pool can become your private screening room, discotheque, or personal oasis.  A pool like this will increase the value of your unit by at least $33,000. Once we clean out all the dead bodies.

Until we clean out all the dead bodies, the value of the units will remain where they are, which is very, very low.

Cleaning out all the dead bodies won't be as easy as you might think. As you can see there are hundreds of them, in various stages of decomposition. Removing so many dead bodies, quickly and quietly, would leave us deeply in the red and thus unable to offer such amenities as wifi in the common room or breakfast tacos every Thursday. The breakfast tacos might not seem appealing now but wait until we've removed all the bodies. When not accompanied by the overpowering stench of death, they'll be rather delicious.

Once we clear out all the dead bodies the vultures will leave. At least that's what the consultants tell us. We've hired a very well-regarded, very expensive firm, and while they're can't guarantee that the vultures will leave once all the dead bodies are removed - they are consultants after all, not prophets - they made a convincing power point presentation that suggests the vultures will leave once we remove all the dead bodies. Apparently, the bodies are a prime source of food for the vultures. According to the consultants, once we remove all the bodies, the vultures will abandon the pool in search of a new food source. Unless the vultures start eating the rats.

Getting rid of the rats will be rather difficult. Even if, sorry, when, when we remove all the dead bodies the rats are unlikely to leave. The dead bodies have been here so long that the rats have, well, I don't know how else to put this, the rats have settled in. They seem to have formed a society, with laws and commerce and government. They even elected a president. I'm not sure how you feel about rats, but I have to tell you, once you get over the fact that they're living and breeding in a pile of rotting corpses sitting in a condo pool, you have to admire them. The rat presidential debate was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. They built little podiums and everything. They made them out of human ears. You should have seen it, the two of them standing behind those rotten ears, shrieking back and forth, while the thousands of rats in the audience sat in rapt attention. I guess you wouldn't find it as cute if the ear they used had belonged to a loved one. But as far as we can tell these dead bodies don't have any loved ones. That's one of the benefits of living in a condo building designed for and marketed to single people: no loved ones cramping your style. I guess the downside is that no one cares if you die. But there's a good and bad side to everything.

So, how about we go back to my office and start filling out that application?