Q: When do night terrors occur?

A: Every time I fall asleep. My eyes get heavy, I drift off and, the next thing I know, I hear screams.

The most blood curdling screams.

And women crying.

And men crying.

And it feels like someone is shaking me. Someone is shaking me and yelling "For God's sake, wake up, or we're all going to die!"

When I wake up, I feel just terrible. And I hurt all over.

So, you see, it was because of these night terrors that I left Greyhound Bus Lines. The night terrors and only the night terrors. I can't remember when they started. I can't remember much before yesterday, actually.

Sooooo, am I going to drive this school bus or not?

Q: Do doctors get paid monthly?

A: No. They get paid each and every time they put their hands on you and make you feel better. Just like prostitutes.

Only with more schooling and much higher self-esteem.

Q: What do you do when a child with autism hurts your child?

A: Drop a box of matches on the floor. That will keep him distracted long enough for your child to attack.

Q: Can you give me an example of reliability?

A: When you needed someone to feed your cat, I was there.

When you needed someone to help you find new furniture to replace everything that was stolen when I forgot to lock the door when feeding your cat. I was there.

When you needed someone to take you to the hospital when your substandard new furniture collapsed and you broke your hip, I was there.

When you needed someone to have sex with your girlfriend when you were in the hospital, I was there.

I think it's safe to say that I am the most reliable friend you have.

Q: How can you find out if somebody has left you something in his will?

A: That's usually a question you ask someone before you spend months planning their death and making it look like an accident. If you are not in your uncle's will, why did we do all this?

The phrase "Hard work is its own reward" does not apply. Please stop saying it. Please. Stop. Now.

Hey, on a completed unrelated note, am I in your will?