Q: Why does a treadmill track fat calories?

A: Our alien overlords want to make sure you are sufficiently succulent before the big feast.

Q: Can you say red wine reduce cardiovascular disease?

A: There is some scientific evidence that a small amount of red wine will help reduce the chances of cardiovascular disease.

A small amount.

A glass a day.

Nowhere in the research does it suggest creating a red-wine IV will eliminate heart disease altogether.

You should accept the fact that your Grandmother is very ill.

If you insist on trying to save her with your unproven, fictional, "scientific" method, at least use actual red wine, and not a homemade mixture of Everclear and Fanta.

Q: Can you get sued for calling a woman ugly?

A: The lawsuit has more to do with the home invasion.

And the assault.

And the battery.

And the rape.

Your Facebook post after the acquittal has very little to do with anything.

Q: Why do people find it weird for a college professor to give a sticker to college students on their excellent work?

A: It's not giving the stickers that's the problem.

It's what the stickers say.

Some of the language has been deemed, well, inappropriate.

You can't go around giving out stickers that say  "Prettiest Mouth" or "Most Aromatic Hair".

It makes people doubt your commitment to fairness.

But, it wasn't those stickers that did you in.

It was the one that said  "Closest in Resemblance to my Dead Wife."

That one made people doubt your sanity.

Especially your wife.

Q: What are good places to have a birthday party for a kid turning ten?

A: Chuck-E-Cheese used to be a great place, but now it's all commercial.

Not to mention the fact that one out of every three children who visits gets abducted.

It's like they don't have any security cameras in there at all.

Or so I have been told.