Q: Is smoking good christian practice?

A: We're starting this fire to burn witches and heretics, not smoke them.

We are trying to kill them.

We are not trying to add flavor.

Q: How do you find the speed of an object?

A: You could use a complex mathematical formula based on the distance of our car to the road and the distance of two fixed points from each other.

Or you could point this shiny radar gun at the car and press that button.

You know when I promised you that your old job as deputy would be waiting for you once you got back from Iraq, no matter what?

I may have to reconsider.

My promise failed to account for so much brain shrapnel.

Do you understand what I'm saying, Jesse?

Jesse?

Yup, that squirrel sure is fast.

I'm not crying. I'm just sweating. From my eyes.

Q: Where is the singer heavy d now?

A: He's probably out on tour, living the life of a rap star and having sex with a different beautiful woman every night.

There's no way he's an assistant manager at Rite Aid.

As my name tag clearly states, my name is Dwight.

I weigh 238 pounds, which while overweight, does not make me "Heavy."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go clean up some vomit in aisle 4.

Q: What is a holding penalty in football?

A: It's a punishment for illegally impeding the progress of a defensive player.

It has nothing to do with the warm embraces I give out on the sideline.

There's no penalty for public displays of affection. Nor is there anything wrong with it.

Come here and I'll show you.

Your skin is so soft.

I'm never letting go.

Q: How do you keep someone from intercepting your text messages?

A: No one "intercepted" that picture of your genitals.

You sent it to everyone on the team.

Under the heading "Urgent! Package Delivery! "

You don't remember any of this?

I think it's about time you checked into rehab.

You should probably see a doctor first.

Your penis shouldn't be that shape. Or those colors.