Q: How do you buy the right luggage?

A: Think to yourself  "What would the most obnoxious person in the world use for their luggage?"

Buy the exact same thing, just not in camouflage.

Q: What kind of bugs lay round brown eggs?

A: The bug you are referring to is a chicken.

I know you are a long way from home, but if you want to fit in and escape detection, you're going to have to become a little more familiar with our Earth customs.

As I said before, chickens are not bugs. Stop calling them that.

Cars don't transform into giant, bloodthirsty, sword-wielding robots. Stop attacking them.

Human beings are free to walk the land and choose their own path in life. They are not used for fuel. Stop shoving them into your gas tank.

Q: How do you get a virus on social network sites?

A: I am just as baffled as you are.

One minute I'm on Myspace, trying to find friends so that our parties aren't so sad and depressing.

The next thing you know, I have gonorrhea.

Oh well, I guess we'll just have to accept that there are some mysteries we will never understand.

All right, I'm going to the doctor. Don't wait up.

His office is open until 3AM.

He uses a lot of body glitter. That's why there's so much on my pants after I see him.

He prefers I pay in cash, in singles. That's why I always bring so many with me.

He's an odd fellow, but he's one hell of a doctor.

Q: What can you do to help your birds when the keep pulling out their feathers?

A: Invite them over for Thanksgiving. They'll get the message.

Q: Is a father considered a relative?

A: Why must you go out of your way to hurt me?

I know I wasn't the best father. I was on the road a lot, on the grift, trying to make ends meet.

I may have missed your high school graduation, and your college graduation, and your wedding. I was very busy. Long cons take a lot of work.

Even though I wasn't always there for you, I am still your father.

I know because I had sex with your mother nine months before she had you.

I still have the tape to prove it.

That means we are related, by blood, for life.

Since you are a blood relative, my son in fact, I want to give you first crack at this exciting offer.

I have a friend, a very wealthy friend, a prince if you must know. He is in possession of a large sum of money. However, he finds himself incarcerated and unable to access his fortune.