Q: Did Blue Valentine win any Oscars?

A: No. But it did win 12 Ernies. That's a record.

While not as prestigious as the Oscars, the Ernies are still a pretty big deal, especially in the Midwest. Specifically, in the Milwaukee, Wisconsin area of the Midwest. Specifically in the area in Milwaukee where I live. Specifically in my apartment.

I created the Ernies to honor the best films of the year. I named them after Bert's friend. That's why they look like rubber ducks. Ernie loved rubber ducks. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford enough rubber ducks for the ceremony, so I had to improvise. Most of the Ernies are carved out of soap.

I showered a lot last week, and ran out of soap. I had to use a of the Ernies to take care of business. As a result, they've lost some of their duck-like appearance. But Blue Valentine deserves every Ernie it won, every lumpy, cracked, dirty, hairy one.

Blue Valentine won Ernies for Best Picture, Best Actor (Ryan Gosling), Best Actress (Michelle Williams), Best Director (Derek Cianfrance), Best Movie to Watch on a First Date, Best Movie to Watch on a Second Date, Best Movie to Watch the First Time You Have Sex, Best Movie to Watch While Tearfully Apologizing for Premature Ejaculation, Best Movie to Watch While You Fight With Your Girlfriend, Best Movie to Watch While Your Girlfriend Breaks Up With You, Best Movie to Watch While Your Girlfriend Throws Your Homemade Awards out the Window and Storms Out the Door, and Best Movie to Watch While Crying Alone.

It won every major award, with the exception of Best Movie to Watch While Angrily Masturbating to Pictures Of Your Sleeping Ex-Girlfriend. For the eighth straight year, that Ernie went to RoboCop.

Q: Where does the most people die in floods?

A: Most people die under the water, by drowning or being crushed by debris.

You are not most people. Somehow you found a way to die over the water. In a tree. Of joy.

In all my years guarding the gates of Heaven, I've never heard of someone dying of joy during a flood that killed hundreds of people. What made you so happy?

Oh.

I see.

On second thought, Heaven might not be the best fit for you. Here's some information on Hell. Now, you don't have a reservation down there, but you shouldn't have a problem getting in. Just tell them the same story you told me about watching all those children drown. You might want to tell it with a little less glee, just to be safe.

Q: How do you grow island?

A: I started with a simple dream: to own my own island.

After preliminary research, I discovered that private islands are the exclusive providence of the very rich.I am not very rich. Nor even regular rich. Nor even poor. I have held one job in my life, at Burger King. My employment lasted three weeks and I was fired for stealing paper crowns.

I had to devise a new plan. I decided to build my own island. As I am not an engineer, nor a God, I did not know the first thing about building an island.

I assumed all I would need nothing more than a lot of sand and a lot of time. The time I had. I could get the sand. it's literally everywhere. I assumed I would have my own private island in no time, perhaps a few years, no more than four.

I assumed wrong. Turns out islands don't float.

On the bright side, I own the world's largest supply of salty mud. For the next twenty minutes.