Q: Because we're going to turn the Prime Minister into a pygmy goat.
If you had paid attention during our meetings, or done any of the assigned reading, you would understand our plan. And you would have shown up on time, in the proper disguise. What kind of State Dinner invites a plate spinner?
Not in 2012. And certainly not one who spins paper plates. We're not here to entertain the Prime Minister. We're here to make him eat this cake, because, once he eats this cake, he will turn into a pygmy goat.
That's why we're doing all of this - the disguises, the distractions, the drugging the guards.
And that's why we added the lemon rind, and the gopher hair, and the volcano ash, and the clippings of condor talons.
And that's why you should stop eating the cake.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Q: How do you bleed a ford puma coolant system?
A: Couple of years ago I nicked my finger breaking down cardboard boxes in the storage room of an electronic stores. I had, as they say, "fallen on hard times" and my blood didn't coagulate like it's supposed to. Started gushing everywhere, all over the boxes and the floor on my khaki pants, and I started freaking out and kinda crying. I guess "kinda" kind of undersells the moment. I was sobbing, wailing some, my face all red and wet. Snot bubbling out my nose. You could say I lost my composure.
My co-worker Bret, he was the one breaking down boxes with me, he said something to me that made me laugh and took my mind off my pain and the gushing blood, something that put the whole scene in perspective. He said, he looked down at my finger and back up and me and he said, "If it bleeds we can kill it." I found that real funny. And he said it with kind of a German accent. I found that funny, too.
We stood around that storage room laughing and bleeding - me bleeding, him not, both of us laughing - for what seemed like hours but was probably only about ten minutes. By the time we stopped laughed I had stopped crying, and, wiping the snot from my nose and wrapping some paper towel around my finger, I looked him in the eye - rare for me at the time - and said, "Bret, you're a real funny guy. How do you come up with this stuff?"
I'll never forget the way he looked at me. He stopped laughing and his face went slack and he looked at me like how you would look at a slow child or a dog that shat all over your Wonderbread and he said, "That's from Predator."
And it stopped being funny.
And I started crying again. Like how I'm crying right now. And he kept looking at me in that way, the same way you're all looking at me right now.
When announced that I would end today's class with a Q&A session about automotive maintenance I didn't expect any of you to ask anything that would trigger such a painful memory and reduce me to such a helpless state. But here we are.
That's going to be all the questions for today. We still have about eight minutes left before the bell rings. How about you kids play a game of Seven Up while I curl up into a ball in the corner? Those of you without thumbs can come join me if you want.
My co-worker Bret, he was the one breaking down boxes with me, he said something to me that made me laugh and took my mind off my pain and the gushing blood, something that put the whole scene in perspective. He said, he looked down at my finger and back up and me and he said, "If it bleeds we can kill it." I found that real funny. And he said it with kind of a German accent. I found that funny, too.
We stood around that storage room laughing and bleeding - me bleeding, him not, both of us laughing - for what seemed like hours but was probably only about ten minutes. By the time we stopped laughed I had stopped crying, and, wiping the snot from my nose and wrapping some paper towel around my finger, I looked him in the eye - rare for me at the time - and said, "Bret, you're a real funny guy. How do you come up with this stuff?"
I'll never forget the way he looked at me. He stopped laughing and his face went slack and he looked at me like how you would look at a slow child or a dog that shat all over your Wonderbread and he said, "That's from Predator."
And it stopped being funny.
And I started crying again. Like how I'm crying right now. And he kept looking at me in that way, the same way you're all looking at me right now.
When announced that I would end today's class with a Q&A session about automotive maintenance I didn't expect any of you to ask anything that would trigger such a painful memory and reduce me to such a helpless state. But here we are.
That's going to be all the questions for today. We still have about eight minutes left before the bell rings. How about you kids play a game of Seven Up while I curl up into a ball in the corner? Those of you without thumbs can come join me if you want.
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About Me
- Ryan
- Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook