Q: Why Mormons don't have windows in their temple?

A: Are you familiar with the saying "Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones?"

Mormons love nothing more than a good stoning.

Q: How can you help people to not commit suicide?

A: Remind them that life is worth living. That as bad as things are right now, they will turn around soon.

Remind them of all the wonderful things that life has to offer, like a beautiful sunset, or a Kobe steak, or seeing a pretty girl's breasts and then having sex with the very same pretty girl who might just happen to be their best friend.

Have I mentioned that I have always considered you my best friend? And that you are very pretty?

By the way, I have been really down lately. I don't know if I can go on anymore.

Life just seems so pointless. 

Q: How do you tell if a rat is in your attic?

A: The steady stream of people from the Witness Protection Program should be a dead giveaway.

Q: How does tickling work?

A: You touch a girl's hips or ribs or feet and she giggles and laughs and soon falls in love with you.

That's how it's supposed to work.

No one is supposed to die.

Q: Can an unlicensed driver be ticketed for driving without insurance and the car they are driving is insured?

A: I'm going to need you to step out of the car, sir.

And put down the bottle of vodka.

As well as the shotgun.

As well as the baby.

Why would you be under arrest? I just want to take you for a ride. In the back of my "magical car" while you wear some of my "fun bracelets."

You can even smell some of my special "silly spray." It's pepper-flavored.

It shouldn't sting that much. You must be using it wrong. Open you eyes a little wider.