Q: Who is the patron saint of socializing?

A: You can't have a party without St. Ides, the patron saint of socializing.

Whenever I crack open an ice-cold 40-ounce bottle of St. Ides and take a few sips, I find myself making all kinds of friends, from all walks of life, in no time flat.

With St. Ides on my side, everybody is my friend: sailors, dancers, bouncers, drug dealers, ATMs, cops, pink scorpions that live in my shoes, streetlights, tin cans - I'm never alone when St. Ides is around.

When St, Ides goes away, leaving me all alone, in the gutter, covered in my won filth, I don't remember anything about my new friends. I couldn't tell you one thing about them. Which means I get to go out again and meet them all again.

Everybody's a new friend when you're living life like St. Ides!

Q: Does a urine drug test reveal the age or gender of the sample?

A: No, the test only reveals the amount of drugs in your system.

A simple sniff test, however, reveals that you just handed me a container of Mountain Dew.

Either you knew you would fail the drug test and filled the container with soda, or you have serious kidney problems and should probably seek immediate medical help.

Regardless, we don't think you're the right choice for the role of Grimace at our son's birthday party.

You can take the suit off now.

That's not a suit?

Seriously, go see a doctor.

Q: How to get rid of belly fat?

A: I don't know -  a knife? Some scissors? A sharp rock? It really doesn't matter how you remove it, or where it comes from, as long as it's in my hand in five minutes and it weighs one pound.

Maybe next time you'll think twice before asking me for a loan, then wagering all the money on a mysterious karate match featuring the American National karate team, led by a man who looks suspiciously like Eric Roberts, that also included a man who's a dead ringer for Chris Penn. Pardon the pun.

After you heal up,  you might want to rent an eye-opening movie called Best of the Best.

Q: How much does the worlds cheapest car cost?

A: This car right here costs $85. You'll never find a car cheaper than that.

We saved money by making the car out of cardboard, and we passed the savings on to you!

Those tires aren't drawn on with crayon. They're real tires.

No, you can't touch them. You'll have to trust me.

You'll also have to trust me that the car runs. I can't let you see the other side of the cardboard, I mean get behind the wheel until I have cash in hand. With a car this cheap, I can't afford a test drive.

$85, take it or leave it. This is a one time offer.

I suggest you take it. The police seem to have found your abandoned getaway car. Now they're pointing over here.

Should I wave to them, or will you be taking this fake car and running away?

Q: How the COW is useful?

A: The COW can be used to:

 - Provide enough milk to feed 24 babies for 8 weeks.

 - Predict weather patterns.

 - Entertain drunken frat boys.

 - Provide sexual release for lonely farmers.

 - Destroy a small village in seconds.

 - Survive a nuclear explosion.

 - Provide air support to our troops on the ground.

We've come a long way in the development of the Cybornetic bOvine Weapon, or COW.

We chose to capitalize the "O" in bovine instead of the "B" for obvious reasons.

You can thank Sanchez for that. He's something of a whiz when it comes to acronyms.