Sunday, October 9, 2011

Q: What are some magical abilities?

A: Pulling a rabbit from a hat. Picking my card out of a well shuffled deck. Making tiny rubber balls disappear. Any of those tricks would qualify as magic.

Showing me how to save a few dollars on rental cars does not. Your so-called trick doesn't impress me and it certainly doesn't impress the children. When I hired you for my son's birthday party, I was under the impression that you were an actual magician, with a top hat and wand, perhaps a sexy assistant I could ogle - my wife's put put a few pounds since she had the baby and she's blocked all the porn sites - someone who could keep the kid's attention for an hour so I could sneak out back, smoke a joint and chug a beer. If I had know you were a "thrift wizard" I would never have let you into my home.

I don't care what it said in your ad, you should have told me when I called and booked you.

I don't remember you saying anything, and I've got a pretty solid memory. I can tell you the name, address and social security number of every witness at my trial. Even if you did tell me during the call, you should have told me when you showed up and saw all these young faces eager for entertainment.

I don't remember you saying anything. But I do tune you out when you start talking. Your voice is all nasal and whiny, reminds me of my parole officer. Once you get going, I start thinking about how much I'm going to enjoy stiffing you on payment and accusing you of leering at the kids. If you're wondering why I've been smiling, that's why.

Well, you've got about 42 minutes left on the clock, so you ought to get back to it. Here's some matches and a turtle. Figure it out.

Q: Does iron burn?

A: Sure does. Like the fires of hell.

Hot stuff. Hot.

Iron is an excellent conductor of heat. Once it gets hot, you shouldn't even touch it. One second will melt the skin off your hands. Two will sear muscle.

I'm starting to think I made a mistake installing a flame-thrower on my iron exo-skeleton. I'm cooking in here. The smell of roasting human flesh is less delicious than I imagined. I'm starting to wonder if I was right about anything.

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook