Q: What are the main events on World AIDS Day?

A: Taking a trip to Haiti and having unprotected sex with as many prostitutes as I can afford.

Oh.

I may have misunderstood the purpose of World AIDS Day.

Boy, is my face red.

Along with several parts of my anatomy.

Q: Was St. Patrick an Italian?

A: He better not be!

On St. Patrick's day, I like my beer to be green, not tasting of garlic and full of body hair.

I do not intend to change.

Q: Why would a toilet that has been working properly just stop flushing even though the tank and the bowl both fill up?

A: I have no idea. Literally no idea.

The only way something like that would even make sense is if there was something stuck in the toilet. Something l the size and shape of a woman's hand.

But that just doesn't make any sense. As I told you, I live alone. Take a look around. There are boxer shorts on the floor and plates in the sink. It's pretty clear a woman hasn't been here in years.

I wish I could be more help with your case, Detective.

Q: Can you go to jail for not giving a friend a computer back?

 A: I hope so. That's pretty much the entire plot for my spec script of Short Circuit 3.

Q:Do eagles blink?

A: Not stuffed ones.

I don't have the heart to tell Tom. This staring contest means the world to him. He's been practicing for months.

I told him his Mom would come back from the dead if he beat an eagle in a staring contest.

And people say I don't have a sense of humor.