Q: What are your legal rights when there are rats in your apartment?

A: You have the right to feed the rats. You have the right to befriend them. You have the right to train them to dance, or water-ski, or fly through the sky on the trapeze. You have the right to dress them in matching costumes with those short capes that attach on one shoulder and headbands and sashes. You have the right to name them, individually and as a group, calling them something like The Amazing Ratini Brothers, or, if they do not appear to be brothers or your training leaves them a mark short of Amazing, The Briefly Distracting Dressed Vermin. You have the right to record their performance with a camera phone and upload the video to YouTube. You have the right to parlay the attention you receive from your video of dancing, water-skiing, acrobatic rats into a three picture deal with Paramount, or at least a pilot pickup from Spike. You have the right to forget all about your rats once you make it big in Hollywood, letting the world know that the rats were nothing but a group of lumbering disease-spreading clods who undermined your genius at every turn. You have the right to repeat your success with groups of trained hamsters, Chechnyan freedom fighters and Go-Bots, with diminishing career returns.  You have the right to reunite with the rats in 2023 for a live show in Utica and an interview with Carson Daly.

You do not have the right to withhold rent. I'm going to need a cashier's check or money order by the end of tomorrow. I will not accept rats as payment.