Q: What are small rocky planets close to the sun called?

A: Those are not small rocky planets. They are small rocks. They are not orbiting any sun. They are flying at and bouncing off my son Carl.

Please stop throwing rocks at Carl.

I don't see how any of this is science.

The lab coats prove nothing.

Q: Does Coke Zero contain wheat?

A: Let me check my notes. Coke Zero contains carbonated water, aspartame, caramel color, phosphoric acid, potassium benzoate to protect taste, natural flavors, citric acid and caffeine.

I don't see wheat anywhere. Are you sure you're allergic to gluten and nothing else? There's no other reason your face and neck are swelling?

Are you sure?

Wait, I see what's going on. There's a second page of notes.

Ah, yes, in addition to the previously mentioned ingredients, Coke Zero also contains chlorine, bayou water, rice, wheat - there you go - assorted meat fats, unnatural flavors, and finely ground pieces of broken glass to promote quick inclusion in the blood stream.

At this time I would like to draw your attention to the Coke Zero sign on my food truck. You will notice that says Coke Zero with the number '0' and not Coke Zero with the word 'Zero' spelled out. I even drew a line through the zero and everything, so you wouldn't think I was selling something called Coke O.

I would also like to draw your attention to the sign beneath it that says 'All food and beverages consumed at your own risk.' You will notice the word 'beverages' is underlined for emphasis.

You will also notice the sign beneath it that says "No Refunds."

Q: Do guinea pigs sleep in cages or aquariums?

A: When guinea pigs sleep, they sleep in cages or aquariums or laundry baskets or between couch cushions or baseball gloves or piles of unread literary journals.

That's when they sleep. When they're not sleeping they can be found in shoes and Christmas trees and showers and washing machines and serving bowls and at the gun range  and inside cooked turkeys about to be sliced for Thanksgiving and in car engines that won't start and standing outside your bedroom door at 3AM and building a couch fort in your hallway while the fire rages.

They sleep about 3 hours a day. I spend the other 21 hours praying that they fall asleep. Seldom are my prayers answered. Nor my letters begging for help from the police. It seems the pigs have learned to read.

No wonder that lab offered them to me so cheap. And why the scientists laughed when I drove away. And why that one scientist, a lady, tracked me down a mile from the lab, looked into my eyes and said, "Your life is in danger." I thought she was criticizing my driving. You know how dramatic lady scientists can be.                  

Q: What are 3 power point tips?

A: There are many power point tricks and tips that could improve your presentation, help you close your sale, and set a course for a safe financial future. But three you requested, so three you shall get.

Number One: Power Point presentations should be short, effective and to the point. Anyone should be able to understand the message of each slide. They shouldn't have to find a clue, or solve a riddle, or decipher a complex code. Word problems are best avoided. Several members of the board have had strokes.

Number Two: Photoshopped images of old movie posters have no place in a power point presentation. Granted, Driving Miss Daisy might have been a more exciting movie if Miss Daisy had been driven by The Rock, and Fletch Lives might have been more compelling if Fletch had been played by The Rock, and Precious might have been the biggest box office movie of the decade if Gabourey Sidibe had been replaced by The Rock, but none of these things happened. Your business plan has nothing to do with movies. The "what if" game is a killer, but here's one "what if " you should entertain. What if I replaced the slides with movie posters with three minutes of complete silence? Would I regret it? Would I have as many ash trays thrown at me?

Number Three: Avoid racial epithets. This is a general rule for life, not just for power point. If you're going to use a racial epithet, at least know your audience. I understand Korean slurs play well to certain Japanese crowds, for example. Certainly don't list all the racial epithets you know, alphabetized  with illustrated examples. You're bound to offend everyone. Even the racists will be appalled by your lack of focus.

I hope that helped. Please incorporate those tips, and any others anyone tells you ever, into your presentation. I know you only asked for three, but here's a fourth one. Ask for power point tips before your presentation, not during.

Okay, let's see the rest of it.

Q: What are the best undercover names?

A: Choosing an undercover name is an important part of an agent's career. The right name can lead to fame and fortune, secretly of course, while the wrong one can get you exposed, or worse, featured in an unflattering portrayal in Undercover Attitudes, the Magazine for the Undercover Community.

When I began my career as an agent, we did not choose our names; they were assigned to us. Do you think I'd choose to go by Count Reginald Von Vorhees? Do you think I stayed up all night, thinking it over, scribbling names in a notebook, saying them softly to myself, trying them out like ball gowns until I had the perfect one, the one that fit my face and mannerisms and finally settled on Reginald Van Vorhees? No. It was assigned. I had no choice in the matter. That's how it was in those days. Then the unions got involved - and the self esteem movement - and now everyone is a special little prince who must be handled with delicacy. Gone were the days of Count Reginald Von Vorhees or Lady Allison Montgomery-Max or Fats Happenstance. No everyone wants to be a gangster, everyone wants to be Dutch Manners or Tommy Fists. Terrible. Terrible names.

When it comes to your name, I suggest something that fits your personality - obviously the last thing you want to do is blow a three month sting because you've been using the name Kenta Kobayashi and you are very much Caucasian - but also something that speaks to nefarious intentions as well as trustworthiness. You want your prey to see you as a bad man, and accept you as such, but not question your identity. Names like Lord Nelson Badguy and Duke Dustin Notacop are solid names, and might serve you well for a number of years. But do they suit you? Let's be honest. They do not.

Looking at you, I see one name that fits. One name that will insure entry to the criminal underworld will securing safety for yourself and your loved ones.

That name is Adolph Hitler.

How soon can you grow a moustache?