Friday, January 21, 2011

Q: How do you become popular with your friends?

A: There's no better way to be popular, and stay popular, than by giving your friends really nice presents.

Look, you're the new kid in town, and you seem nice, but people haven't made up their mind about you yet. I can help you change that. The most important thing is to let people into your home, throw lots of parties and, make people feel really - Hey - Is that a samuari sword?

Yeah, I'm going to need that.

Your dad can get you a new one when he goes back to Japan.

Then your Mom can marry someone new and he can go to Japan. She's very attractive. I don't care how you get a new sword, as long as I get that one.

I thought you wanted me to be your friend.

I thought you wanted to be popular.

You're going need to loosen up if you want to be popular. You can't be all shy and defensive and feeling sorry for yourself about your dead father and expect people to like you.

So, about that sword?

Awesome. You're going to be super popular. I'll bring some friends over tomorrow. They have great taste, so you better have some nice stuff to give them. Like maybe a car. Kids in this town love cool cars.

Oh, and is your mom going to be around?

Great. Make sure she wears something nice.

Q: What is the meaning of idiom bore away?

A: I have no idea, but at this point I'm sick of hearing it.

Over and over again, night after night.

"Bore away!"

"Bore away!"

Your ex-wife really has a fetish for oilmen. Every other word out of her mouth is "Drill" this and "Bore" that and "Deeper" everything.

It must have been exhausting to be married to her. No wonder you left her.

I had no idea you were still married.

That would explain all those pictures of you around the house.

I assumed you had a highly amicable divorce.

You know what happens when you assume? You make an ass out yourself by telling a co-worker that you've been having an affair with his wife.

I wish you had said something earlier. At least before I went into all that detail. And showed you all those pictures.

Q: What might hinder this unity?

A: That alien,  that ... Thing from another world can shapeshift, and take the form of any man, any animal, even any plant.

Any one of us could be the alien.

It could be you, Jacobs. That would explain why we lost power. Only you have access to the grid. But you've never left this room. You've always been with someone else. It's unlikely that you are the alien.

Meyers, you were missing for nearly a day. I'm not sure I buy your story that you were obsessively masturbating to an old copy of Newsweek. Although you story is so pathetic that it's likely true. Still, I'm keeping my eye on you. I'm probably never shaking your hand again. Or letting you borrow a magazine.

Hudson, you could be the alien. You are the one who insisted on burning all the food in an effort to starve the alien. The alien does not appear to be starving. It's still killing people. We, however, are starving, thanks to your terrible plan. In retrospect, you are rather dim-witted, and your ideas and suggestions are often moronic. I'm not sure why we listened to you. I guess we were all rather traumatized seeing the alien kill Geary right in front of us. We all lost our heads there for a bit. Not literally, like Geary. More in a figurative sense. That's probably why we followed to your asinine plan. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Let's be honest, anyone of us could be the alien. That's going to make it really hard for us to trust each other.

Although, the more that I think about it, I'm pretty sure Denise is the alien. That would explain why she ate the dogs. And why she's been breathing fire. And why she hasn't worn any clothes for the past two days despite the sub-zero temperature. And why when I made love to her last night, her vagina was filled with row after row of razor sharp teeth.

Yup, that last thing should have been a dead giveaway. Denise is the alien all right. I didn't want to accept it, because of my feelings for her.

I guess we'll douse her with gasoline and set her on fire while she's sleeping.

But, if you guys don't mind, I'd like a moment alone with her, to say goodbye.

Does anyone happen to have an iron condom?

Q: Can i have some information on the blitz please?

A: When unexpected players rush the passer, we call it a blitz.  A cornerback could blitz. Or a safety. Or a linebacker.

A blitz could come from anywhere, at any time. That's why you always have to be ready to block. If you don't pick up the blitz, that is, block the unexpected pass rusher, our quarterback will be tackled and possibly injured. We don't want that to happen.

Like I said, any player could blitz at any time. They don't have to announce themselves. They don't have to raise their hands before the play. They don't have to shout "blitz!"

They don't have to count any Mississippi's.

This is the NFL. No one has to count Mississippi's in the NFL.

I don't think this "Let Your Daughter Play Fullback" promotion will be as successful as management hopes.

Q: How does the story lord of the flies end?

A: With that rag-tag gang of misfits setting aside their differences, coming together as a team, and putting on the bake sale of the century to raise money for tickets home.

At least, I assume that's how it ends.

I never actually read the whole thing.

I wanted to read it, I really did. But once they killed that pig and put the pig's head on a stake, my mind began to wander. I got to thinking.

I got to thinking about bacon. How I love the taste. How I love the smell. How there isn't a problem in the world that can't be fixed with a generous helping of bacon.

At this point, I closed the book and opened  a package of bacon. Wonderful, salty bacon.

Then I made myself a plate of bacon. Crispy, delicious bacon.

Then another.

Then another.

Then one more, for good measure.

That's about the time I blacked out.

My doctor tells me I'm going to be in some fancy medical journals, the first ever case of "Pork Blindness" on record.

Once I get my sight back, I intend to finish that book. Then I'll know how it really ends.

Right after I have a nice bacon sandwich.

They're pretty strict about my diet here.

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook