Q: What are three literary elements?

Q: Protagonist: The main character of a story. The hero if you will. He or she must achieve a goal or save the city or find a treasure. He's the one you're rooting for. A protagonist can be anyone, from a simple farm boy about to enter an intergalactic war against an evil empire, to a simple accounts-receivable manager with strong, muscular legs and firm, shapely buttocks from his years on the competitive hip-hop dancing circuit.

Antagonist: The character who impedes the protagonist. What you would call a villain. He's responsible for putting a series of escalating obstacles in the path of our hero. Normally, the antagonist receives the majority of the boos ad hisses and thrown tomatoes. An antagonist could be, say, a former Jedi Knight who has turned his back on his culture and embraced the dark side, or an uptight and unreasonable company president who requires his employees to wear loose-fitting, drab trousers every day of the week.

Conflict: The basis for all drama. Two opposed forces coming head to head. Only one can win. One must win. Some notable conflicts include the destruction of the Death Star, the savior of Endor, and the creation of a new, more relaxed, company dress code.

As you can see, my resignation letter has all three literary elements. In case you don't understand,  I am the protagonist, you are the antagonist and the company's draconian dress code is the conflict.

Our story has reached a climax. You have two choices: accept my resignation, or agree to my demands and declare Friday Tight Pants Day. You have ten seconds to decide. I'll count slowly so you have plenty of time to consider what has to be the biggest choice of your career.

Oooonnnnnnnnneeee .... Twwwwwooooooooo ... Three-

Oh. Okay. Are you sure you don't want to take the full ten seconds? I'd hate to see you rush into a decision here.

No? You're sure. Okay then.

And you're positive you don't want to reconsider Tight Pants Friday?

All right.

I guess all we have left to discuss is my severance package.

There's no need to call security. I feel perfectly safe. These pants are extremely supportive.

Q: What phase is the moon in when you can see more than one?

A: There's never a phase where you can see more than one moons. There's just the one moon. It reflects sunlight, shines real bright, and we see the reflection. There's only one moon.

How are you seeing two moons?

Oh, I know what's going on.

That  big white circle in the sky there? That's the moon. That other bright shining orb? That's a searchlight. Someone must have tipped off the guards about our escape.

Don't wave at it.

Q: What is the main difference between the public and private sectors?

A: In the public sector a certain amount of transparency is required. How you get your money, where it goes, how you make hiring decisions, whether or not you obey laws, who you've punched in the face or sexually harassed - the general public expects to know these things. All that openness and honesty, let's face it, is exhausting. In the public sector you can't even sideswipe a school bus without everyone demanding an apology. Don't even get me started on hiding dead bodies.

In the private sector all that matters is the bottom line. Make enough money to keep the stockholders happy and you can do anything in your personal life. No one will care. Make enough money so the stockholders can retire at 42 and buy their own sports franchise or Third World army and you can do anything, publicly, and no one's going to lift a finger. Sure some idealistic reporter might think they can make their name with a big expose, but those never last. Idealistic young reporters disappear every day. No one seems to mind.

So, do you really want to use those wonderful powers - flight, super-strength, super-hearing, invulnerability - that our sun gives you, to work in the public sector as a champion of the people, the same people who will turn on you in one hot second if you happen to accidentally drop a bullet train on an old folks home, or impregnate a county full of lonely cheerleaders, or do you want to come work in the private sector, where you'll be defending people who really need protection - our nation's millionaire industrialists? Did I mention that you'll be able to get away with murder? Literally? We do a lot of overseas contracting. Don't pretend you haven't thought about how many ways you could dismember someone with your heat vision.

So, what's it going to be? Are you ready to join the winning team?

I knew you'd make the right decision, Clark. You're going to enjoy your new life as Exxon Mobil Man.

Q: What do farmers eat?

A: My dad was a farmer, so I can tell you first-hand what a farmer eats: Beef. Pork. Corn. Sour Mash Whiskey. Dirt. Moonshine. Old Tires. Rubbing Alcohol. Legal Summons. Neighbor's Kids. Pepper Spray. Eviction Notices. Comic Books. Fudge. Results of Court Ordered Psychological Tests. Drywall. Shotgun Barrel.

I assume such a diet was common for all farmers.

Q: What did the troubling aspects of the Watergate scandal include?

A: That the Commutte to Re-Elect the President felt the need to break into the Democratic National Committee headquarters in Washington because of the potential threat of  Democratic nominee George McGovern, a man whose campaign included promises to give Idaho and Arkansas to the Viet Cong, make abortion mandatory for all children conceived via reverse cowgirl position, and require marijuana to be a staple of school lunch.

That the President of the United States conspired with senior White House staff to not only cover up the break -in, but to eventually turn it into an unstoppable trick play for the Washington Redskins.

That a political scandal from the early 70's, centered around the President of the United States, a power-mad  middle-aged white man from California, did not involve any sex. Creepy.

Q: What is unspecified obstruction of renal pelvis and ureter?

A: A fun game I learned at the S&M dungeon. I push something inside you, obstructing the flow of your urine,  and you have to guess what it is.

Since all I have is a Buzz Lightyear, it shouldn't be too hard to guess.

Shoot. I wasn't supposed to tell you. Oh well, you'll still get off on the pain.

Look, for S&M relationships to work, someone has to be the Masochist. The role of the Sadist has already been taken.

Q: How do you find the ghost in Skullduggery Island?

A: Yeah, about that ...

Here's the thing, when your Mom divorced me, I was awarded joint custody. I really would have preferred a custody system based on my mood, my dating prospects, and my interest in that weekend's slate of televised games. But I was overruled. As I result, I get you every other weekend, for the whole weekend, regardless of my own plans.

An old friend of mine was in town this weekend, someone who had been through a tough time. Newly divorced, wondering where she went wrong, full of self-doubt. Vulnerable. When you're older you'll understand a girl like that will do anything to feel loved. And I mean anything.

The last thing I needed was some kid hanging around, laughing and smiling, cheering her up and making her think that maybe her problems aren't so bad. Plus, the 2257 laws forbid the presence of children near an adult film set.

I needed you out of here and I needed you out of here quick. I made up some nonsense about that island in the park being an ancient pirate burial ground full of treasure and ghosts, knowing your quest would take all weekend and end with disappointment.  Along the way, I taught you a valuable lesson about trust.

Don't trust anyone.

There's no need to cry, son. I'll make it up to you the next time you visit. I hear there's a cabin deep in the woods that was built by some sort of eccentric chocolatier. Legend says it's full of candy and sweets and all the treats a boy could want. I'll go out there with you as soon as you get here.

I promise.

Q: Are there schools to study swordsmanship in America?

A: If you yearn to be a master swordsman able to vanquish your foes with a flick of the wrist and a thrust of the arm, look no further than Dan T. Chesterfield Swordfighting and Hazardous Waste Disposal Academy. located behind the condemned K-Mart on US-42. right next to the pile of screaming babies. If your nostrils burn of sulfur, your skin tingles, and your clothes are melting, you're in the right place.

At the Dan. T. Chesterfield Swordfighting and Hazardous Waste Disposal Academy, or the DTCSHWDA for short - we pronounce it Ditschwada, kind of like "dish water", but, you know, with a "t" in there - at DTCSHWDA you'll study under some of the world's greatest swordsmen from Japan, Spain and Italy, many of who still have all their facilities and barely suffer from any of the long term effects associated with exposure to radiation and toxic waste.

Thanks to our method of round the clock teaching, you'll be able to spin, counter, dodge, parry and thrust in now time, or die trying. (The Dan T. Chesterfield Swordfighting and Hazardous Waste Disposal Academy is not liable for any all deaths resulting from sword fights, sword cleaning, sword swallowing, sword dodging, sword catching, sword juggling, sword diving, or exposure to chemicals know to cause cancer in the state of Iowa.)

Upon arrival to DTCSHWDA, our experienced staff will steal all your belongings, beat you senseless, and cut off your ear. If you happen to bring along a mother or girlfriend to wish you well, she will be abducated and forced to wear revealing clothes, but nothing too slutty, as the Dan T. Chesterfield Swordfighting and Hazardous Waste Disposal Academy is a family friendly environment.

Once your possessions have been stolen, your will broken, your body bloody and beaten, you will have one goal in mind: Revenge. We willl hand you a sword and our faculty of award-winning swordsmen or waste disposal technicians (sometimes the swordsmen call in sick) will help you learn the skills required to slay your foe, save your wife, mother or vintage tee, and restore the honor to your family.

Our grading policy is simple: If you gain revenge, you pass. If you fail, you fail. Failure will result in immediate expulsion from the academy and forfeiture of any and all trophies, monies, clothes, pets, spouses, and mothers.

Tuition costs $5,000 and we accept anyone who can pay.

So, do you care to enroll?

Most people say "No" at first. Why don't you stick around awhile, breathe in some of the fumes and reconsider?

Q: What is a way you can end an essay with your conclusion?

A: A writer of an essay has many possible conclusions at his disposal.

He could end with a question, giving the reader something to think about. He could end with a quotation from a famous author that sums up his essay and brings everything together. He could end the essay with the same sentence he used at the start, to bring everything full circle. He could end with a personal anecdote that clearly expresses the themes of his essay. Any of these techniques would have been more acceptable.

But you chose to go a different route and end your essay with a picture of your engorged genitals with the captain, "Prime real estate available!" Your conclusion is unacceptable and I will not be able to award you a passing grade.

I will, however, take you up on your real estate offer. Are there rentals available, or must I buy? And can I bring friends?

Q: What does the idiom just a hair off mean?

A: Usually, it means "Very close" as in, "a hair's width," as in, "you missed your target ever so sightly, but you shouldn't beat yourself up; in fact, you should feel proud for even trying."

But I meant it differently.

When you asked if you had successfully hit the target and I shook my head and raised my hand in front of face, holding my index and middle fingers an inch apart, and I looked at you through the space between my fingers and I said, "You were just a hair off," I was being sarcastic. That's why General McCloskey laughed, and why General Bailey laughed, and why President Percival laughed and then began to cry. Because I was being sarcastic. Because I meant the exact opposite.

Your mission was to bomb Damascus, in Syria. You bombed Cincinnati, in Ohio.

Soldier, you cost us a swing state.

Q: Who owns the phantom of the opera original mask?

A: The famous mask, as worn by Lon Chaney in the 1927 film Phantom of the Opera, has been part of my collection for over thirty years. It was the second piece of movie history I purchased, after the famous wheelchair used by Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window. Over the years, I've added more and more trinkets to my collection, such as the bedouin scarf worn by Peter O'Toole in Lawrence of Arabia, and the sled from Citizen Kane. None of these trophies compare to my prized possesion over there.

What do you think that is?

Wrong. That's what everyone guesses. They think it's the mold of Han Solo in carbonite from The Empire Strikes Back. Ever since I was a child, I wanted it more than anything, turns out George Lucas had it destroyed during a benefit for wealthy fat children in 1994, Fudgecon '94. Since the prop no longer existed, I had to make it myself. What you see there is Harrison Ford encased in carbonite. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't cheap, but it was worth it.

That's what I always told myself, until I saw the last Indiana Jones movie. Now I regret my decision and I want that impostor dead.

Q: How many athletes have died because of injuries sustained in a game?

A: In the millions of games played at the amateur and professional level over the course of human existence, very few athletes have died as a result of game-related injuries.

Until today.

In retrospect, your decision to let a teenage werewolf play quarterback may have been a mistake. But I admit, it seemed like a good idea at the time. In wolf form, he was stronger and faster than everyone on the field, probably stronger and faster than anyone in the history of the game. There's no way you could lose.

And then everything went wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.

Turns out werewolves are more interested in killing and eating people than they are in running the spread option. In retrospect, maybe you should have benched him after he celebrated his first touchdown by decapitating the other team's safety. Although it was kind of cool when he spiked the kid's head like a football. I remember enjoying that. Then again, I may have been in shock.

But you trusted your gut and kept him in the game. Even after he killed our halfback. And our tight end. And the rest of our team. And the other team. And the cheerleaders. And the referees.

Thank god we let Old Man Winters come to the game. Can you imagine what would have happened if he didn't have those silver bullets? And to think we wanted to have him banned for his anti-werewolf rhetoric.


On the bright side, Coach, you've earned a place in the history books, but probably not in the way you hoped. Instead of being mentioned in the same breath as Bear Bryant and Vince Lombardi, you'll be lumped in with Stalin and Pol Pot. There could be worse things to have on a tombstone than "The Pol Pot of high school football." At least two or three. No one's compared you to Hitler.

Wait. I didn't see that guy's sign.

Q: What would happen if you altered the cells in a human?

A: I'm so glad you asked.

Over the past year, in addition to our assigned work creating a cow that will yield more meat, directly produce milk and lay chicken eggs, some of us in the Genetics Department have spent the better part of our nights and weekends on a little side project. We've kept this project quiet because we didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. but last night we made a breakthrough.

All me to present ... The Perfect Human!

Now, this is only a prototype. The real Perfect Human won't have that smell. Or be that color. And it will still be alive. But look at the muscles and the wings and the claws and the shoulder mounted cannons. You have to admit those are pretty awesome.

Obviously we have some bugs to fix. We need to find a way to either reinforce the skeleton, or reduce the weight of the cannon, so the collarbone doesn't snap. And we'd like to keep the next one alive.

But as you can see, we're making progress.

Now, as our CEO, we need a few things from you. First, we need a significant increase in our department's budget. Second, we need blanket authorization for all human genetics related overtime. Third, we need you to find a new wife. Maybe someone who's a little less feisty. We probably would have finished the prototype earlier if we didn't have to spend so much time hitting her over the head with our shoes. But you can't build the Perfect Human without the right specimen.

You're a lucky man, sir. She's a very beautiful woman. Was a beautiful woman. Who knows, maybe we could bring her back, if we had a big enough budget.

Q: Does a cap gun shoot?

A: I know what you're wondering - in addition to your question about a cap gun, a question I will address in a moment -  you're wondering, "Did he fire all 6 shots or just 5?" Well, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track.

You have to admit, that was pretty exciting. As a hardened criminal you might have done this sort of thing before and find it old hat, but this is my first week on the force and I've never chased anyone through the streets yelling and shooting and pushing people out of the way. That was awesome. I jumped over a baby carriage. Sure, I didn't totally clear it - kind of clipped it with my shoe - but I landed on my feet, unlike the baby. I'm sure he'll be fine. He only bounced a couple of times. His mother didn't seem to mind. As I ran away I saw her pumping her fist and cheering. I assume she was cheering. I couldn't make out much of what she said over all that gunfire, and the sound of heart pumping. I've never fired my gun at someone before. It's exhilarating.

I'm realizing I probably shouldn't have told you that it's my first week on the force, or that I've never fired a gun before, Please don't say anything. I'm still in a probationary period with the department. I'm not "officially" a cop, so I don't really have the authority to arrest anyone or shoot anyone or even carry a real gun. This is just a cap gun.

That answers your first question. A cap gun can shoot. It won't hit anything, but it can shoot. I made the bullets myself. Again, please don't tell anyone; strictly against department policy.

Now, to answer your second question, "Did I fire 5 shots or all 6?" Like I said, in all the excitement - I rolled across the hood of a cab! - anyway, I kind of lost track. So I have a question for you. Do feel lucky?

Well do you, punk?

You should, because I hear sirens and if they see me holding someone at gunpoint, I'll never get to be a real cop. Get the hell out of here. And please, never speak of this to anyone.

Q: Can you commit suicide with antibiotic pills?

A: I take antibiotics to fight my bronchitis. They'll make me better in now time. I have no intention of killing myself. I'm going to be around for a long time.

You seem disappointed. Actually, that makes a lot of sense.

I've begun to notice how you always mention how the wood beams in my ceiling look strong.  "Strong enough for a man to hang himself," you always say with a wink and a smile and a nudge in the ribs. I'm beginning to understand your meaning. And your yearly Christmas gift: enrollment in a noose-making class. Always thought that was a gag gift.

Then there's those scrapbooks you make, full of picture after picture of my ex-girlfriends, with your little handwritten notes  like "She looks better than ever," and "Her new boyfriend probably packs a big one," and "You'll probably never be as happy as when you were with her. What's the point of living?" I assumed they were some sort of dry joke that I just didn't get.  I might have been wrong.

You have been encouraging me to have a lot of "bath toast" lately, which can't possibly be a real thing no matter how many fake websites you send me as proof. I suspect you created those websites. Every one is a GeoCities site. That's clue number one.

Clue number two is you sign your own name.

I thought you were my friend. Why would you want me to kill myself?

Oh.

I guess having an awesome eulogy is as good a reason as any.

Q: What is the definition of hazardous material?

A: Any material that may cause short or long term damage to an employee's health is considered to be hazardous and must be removed from the building. Anyone who knowingly introduces hazardous material to the office will be fired and subjected to any applicable legal action.

Cathy's lemon squares don't qualify. They're rather delicious. I've had three. But this isn't about the lemon squares, is it?

If Cathy doesn't want to date you, that's her decision. You can't have her arrested or fired or deported.

I know that she hurt you. We all know. You've made it clear with your editorials in the company newsletter and your YourTube videos and your ad in the Times and your billboard and your screenplay, Jack and Cathy Go Boning.

I admit I enjoyed the screenplay. I appreciated all the drawings. Helped me visualize all the positions. I'm sure Cathy was flattered. And that twist at the end, where Cathy is revealed to be succubus intent on destroying all men with her sexual charms? Brilliant. I'm sure Cathy loved it, too. I can't imagine why she wouldn't want to go out with you.

That was sarcastic. You can't use that quote in your next ad.

Q: Are girls scouts as prepared as boy scouts?

A: They say they are. They share a motto, "Be Prepared."

Don't believe it.

Most Boy Scouts spend their idle time imaging a day when their parents will be gone, their teachers vanished, their friends mysteriously absent, leaving them all alone in a desolate wasteland. They plan for such a day - secretly hope for it - squirreling away food and supplies and toys in their tree forts or backyard pits. Most Girl Scouts spend their idle time trying to figure out a way to avoid creepy survivalist boys.

Boy Scouts love kung fu movies and pro wrestling and every other sort of pretend fighting entertainment you can imagine. They've picked up a few rather effective moves, along with many comically ineffective moves. But they are ready to spring these vicious attacks on any attacker at any time. They live in a constant of readiness. Girl Scouts live in a constant state of happiness. Except the sad ones. But they mostly keep to themselves.

Boy Scouts are far more prepared than Girl Scouts. If you insist on hunting the most dangerous game - man - but want to start somewhere realistic, your best option is a Girl Scout. Just don't make the same mistake Mr. Paley did and hang one on you trophy wall. Turns out folks around here are a little uptight.

Q: Why did the Egyptians feel like they needed to develop a writing system?

Q: The human memory plays tricks. People tend to dramatize the past, and their role in it, for the sake of a better story. The Egyptians began to notice that the history of their land -  their discoveries in math and astronomy, the heroism of ancient kings, the disagreements that led to agreement and eventual enlightenment - was becoming malleable. Facts would change from story to story, even from sentence to sentence, depending on the speaker.. Fearing that centuries worth of wisdom would be lost, they developed a crude system of symbols which would correspond to words which they all agreed would mean specific things, all in order to preserve their accumulated knowledge for the benefit of their children and their children's children and the children beyond them. With a written language in place, they hoped to prevent future generations from stumbling around the desert wondering what time of year it was, why there were triangles buried in the sand and what animals were more worthy of worship than others.

The ancient Egyptians were fascinating. You can read all about them on my iPad, once I get it back from the Mac store. I dropped it in the toilet.  Until then, let's try and hit that bird with this empty beer can.

Q: What is wattage of ATM Bank Machine?

A: Whatever wattage it needs to run the machine and make the screen glow and light up that little light next to the slot where you put your card. I don't know, 11. 11 watts. Does that sound right?

I'm not a scientist, okay. If I were a scientist, I wouldn't need you to build me a magical ATM card that would let me withdraw all the money in any ATM with a single swipe, I would build it myself. But I'm not a scientist, I'm merely a genius. The genius who not only came up with the idea of a magical ATM card, but who also drew a detailed schematic.

All I need you to do is build it. If I had known I was going to be subjected to a series of stupid questions, I would have just asked my father for money and not gone to the trouble of designing the greatest invention in the history of man.

Now, are you going to build it? Or are you going to let them shut off my cable?

Q: What is a class three surgical candidate?

A: Class three surgical candidates suffer from chronic diseases that, while painful, are not immediately life-threatening. Class three surgical candidates can often avoid surgery with changing to a healthier diet and committing to regular exercise.

Class two surgical candidates suffer from acute diseases that are painful and life-threatening. Class two candidates would benefit from immediate surgery but can also choose less-invasive procedures like radiation or experimental medication.

Class one surgical candidates are on the verge of death and require immediate surgery to repair the heart or the spleen or whatever is bleeding.

Your cat doesn't fall into any of the normal surgical categories, but a new category of my own creation called Class SuperPlus One.

SuperPlus One surgical candidates are sick past the point where surgery can help them, or, as in the case of your cat, have been dead for over 4 hours. Such candidates require immediate surgery to replace their heart, lungs and limbs with parts from an old robot I found in my father's basement after he passed away.

I'm going to be honest. I can't promise that my experimental surgery will bring your cat back to life and allow him to become the cybernetic RoboCat of your dreams, but I can promise you it will be awesome to watch me try.

Q: How much food did a roman soldier get?

A: Roman soldiers got one turkey leg and half a tomato a day. Now we're talking about the grunts, the guys in the in the front getting their hands dirty, the ones with the swords and the helmets and the chest plates. Those guys. Your Roman brass, though I'm not sure if they were called brass back then, maybe bronze, your Roman bronze, your generals like your Ceasar's and such, and that other guy, what's his name, the farmer who didn't want to fight but was so good at fighting that when Rome was under attack they'd go out to his farm and beg him to come back and lead the army, and he'd do it, and he'd win, because he was wicked good at being a general, and they'd cheer him and throw parades and beg him - and I'm talking down on the hands and knees, crying, pleading real begging with the snot bubbles and everything - I mean beg him to rule them and keep the safe forever, but he'd say NO and go back to his farm ... God, what's his name ... Cincinnatus. That's him. Cincinnatus. He reminds me a lot of me, except that instead of being real good at being a general but not having any interest in it, I feel that way about being a father.

Yeah, your generals like Caesar and Cicinnatus ate better than your grunts. Every day, they got a turkey leg, two tomatoes, and all the horsemeat from the horses died in battle.

So finish your Happy Meal. I don't care if it's cold, you're eating better than Caesar.

Q: What type of license is needed to start a lawn care service in California?

A: I don't really think you need a license. If you want to earn a little money so you can take your girlfriend to the movies or buy her a necklace or pay for an abortion - I was a kid once, I understand that things happen; I just don't want to know - if you want a little extra money, for whatever reason, all you have to do is start knocking on doors and letting people know that you are willing to cut their grass or trim their hedges for a reasonable price.

I would assume it would help to have some experience in that sort of thing, not a resume or anything, but a familiarity with the basics of lawn care - you know, what to cut, what not to cut, that sort of thing. People take pride in their lawn and they wouldn't want to hire someone, even someone as young and handsome and obviously fertile as yourself - again, don't want to know - without knowing that they can trust you to spruce up the lawn and not clip their prized rhododendrons by mistake or confuse their beloved cat with a weed and run over it with the mower. What I'm saying is don't tell them about what happened when I let you drive the riding mower. Just keep that to yourself.

You'll also need some tools. Sure most people will have a mower you can use, but you can't expect them to have weed-whackers and hedge-trimmers and lye and insecticide. Some of that you'll have to provide. Or steal. Whichever makes the most sense. Again, please keep me in the dark.

You may not have the experience, or the tools, but you do have a passion for lawn care, and that might be enough. When people hire a lawn care professional, they want someone who is passionate about grass. They'll be willing to overlook a lack of experience and a paucity of tools if you can show them that you are passionate about making their lawn the belle of the block. But you can take that idea too far. Too much passion for grass will turn off even the most desperate homeowner. You understand what I'm saying?

Are you sure? Because it doesn't seem like you understand what I'm saying.

Please stop fucking the grass.

Q: How can a teacher tell if students have developed responsibility?

A: Invite them to join you in a secret society, making clear up front that the goal of the society will be the overthrow of the schools current administration and they will have to do a few things that are not technically legal but are harmless.

Start out small by having them repaint the principal's parking every day, making it slightly smaller each time, until his car no longer fits in his space. Then have them do the same thing with his pants.

Once they've grown accustomed to seeing the school's administration as a target for practical jokes rather than an authority, assign them a new task. Tell them you need them to lure the principal into a seedy motel, seduce him into wild night of cocaine-fueled bondage and videotape the whole thing. Remind them of the importance of secrecy.

If they carry out the assignment, without speaking a word to anyone, and deliver the videotape to your desk by Monday morning, they have developed responsibility.

And you will finally get that raise.

Q: What are the business processes in hospital?

A: When a new patient arrives for treatment, whether for a rodent-rectum emergency or a common elective like mole removal, we have him fill out a complicated admissions form designed to promote an immediate sense of inferiority, letting the patient know that he is in the presence of experts far more dedicated, disciplined and learned than he could ever be; we find making the patient feel stupid and insignificant prevents him from questioning our methods later. Among these admissions forms we hide waivers to prevent malpractice lawsuits.

Once the patient has filled out the admission stack, already questioning his right to even be among such intellectual giants, occasionally stammering, body trembling,  we make sure he can pay. The last thing we'd want to do is spend hours and hours performing life-saving medical procedures only to get stiffed on the bill. The desire to help people and Hippocratic Oaths are just terrific ideas, but you can't buy a summer home in the Hamptons with good will.

After admittance, we stick the patient in refurnished supply closet, (billed as a "private room" costing at $2,750 a day), wheel in every working machine not currently in use, (making sure not to double up on machines - the swifter patients tend to notice), pump the patient full of the newest and most expensive drugs, (a sedated patient is a happy patient), send in every expert and intern available, (all with individual consultation fees), and order the widest variety of tests possible, (tests which require the most lab time to get results being preferable).

By this point, the patient will have been a tenant for at least a week and, thanks to bed rest, an abundance fluids, and time away from his soul-crushing job, will start to feel better. We prescribe the newest drug from the pharmaceutical company that gives us the largest kick back, load the patient with crutches, ace bandages and bedpans, and send him on the way.

Three days later we send him the bill. At this point he will require the services of one of our psychiatrists. They  bill by the hour.

Q: What is your least favorite duty being a bank manager?

A: Making small talk with inept bank robbers with poor escape plans who end up taking me hostage. By far. Not even a close second. Foreclosing on a widow leads to weeks of depression where I walk around the city  wondering what my purpose is on this Earth, wondering what kind of God would create a world where people, good people, would have to earn their money forcing gentle kind old women from houses they've owned for decades, but foreclosing on widows - and this is something that makes me cry and gives me hives - foreclosing on widows is a cherish childhood memory compared to making small talk with bank robbers.

Despite what years of motion pictures may have lead you to believe, bank robbers are not suave professionals  possessed of quick wit, fighting against corporate greed on behalf of the little man. They are lazy, vile, stupid people who lack the basic social skills required to hold even the most menial of jobs. Carrying on a conversation with such people takes the kind of patience reserved for saints and mystics.  If you replaced every word from a bank robber's mouth with the phrase, "I'm don't understand how life works so I punch things," you would be no worse off and have a better understanding of who they are as people, and would save yourself the trouble of having to spend time deciphering the tremors, eye-rolls, grunts, lewd gestures and asinine observations they consider parts of speech.

Sooner or later the conversation turns to bank managing, and what it's like, and how it must be an awful, soul-crushing job to serve as the penny-filled sock of capitalism, knocking the common man out and taking his money. They refuse to accept that bank managing is a job like any other, it has good days and bad days, It keeps me around people and it gives me something to do.

Now that I've answered your question, will you start releasing hostages? Or are you going to wait until all those red dots on your chest reach your forehead?

Q: Was sand a living thing?

A: Sand is made up of very small rocks, worn down by eons of pressure from the winds and the rains and the hand of man, and has no life of its own.

Sand has no heart no beat, no lungs to breath, no blood to spill, no soul to take. Don't worry, son, you can't hurt sand. When you poured out that can gasoline into the sand pit and dropped in the book of matches, you didn't kill any sand. Sand can't be killed.

People, however, can be killed. People who, for whatever reason, might have been bound and gagged at the bottom of a sandpit, hidden under a tarp. That's what you heard scream.

In your school, have they ever taught you about the word "alibi"?

Great. Let's work on one together.

Q: What kind of pain medication do they use for knee problems?

A: Typically something like Ibuprofen, Naproxen or Celecoxib. If you have a good-sized tolerance for meds, they might give you something stronger, like Tramadal or Hydrocodone. If you're real lucky, or you know somebody, you might be able to score some Morphine.

None of those options will work for you.

To suffer knee pain, you need to have a knee. You don't have a knee. Not anymore. What you're feeling is what they call "phantom pain." It's not real. It could go away in a minute, could last you rest of your life, hard to say.

That guy tore your leg right off. We all heard the snap from the sideline and assumed it was bad. We never expected it to be this bad. You, here, on the ground. Your leg, over there in the linebacker's hand. Our scouts were right. That guy is a beast. I've never seen such animal ferocity on a football field. I hate to say this, but in your condition there's little chance you'll remember, but I kind of admire that guy. It's like he doesn't even care that he's crippled a man for life. What dedication.

And now he's eating your leg. They should probably test that guy for drugs.

I'm sure you're in a lot of pain now, but as I said most of it is phantom pain. The pain will go away, the scars will heal, someday you might even walk again - I hear today's prosthetics are incredible - but no matter what happens, you'll always have the memory of scoring a touchdown in the Rose Bowl.

Damn it, I just saw the flag.

All right, enough with the speeches. I can't think of much else to say and you probably can't hear me, judging by the blood coming out of your ears. We need to get you off the field and to the hospital, and fast; the halftime show is about to start.

Q: What is so great about the Nobel Prizes?

A: For over a century, the Nobel Foundation in Stockholm, Sweden has awarded Nobel prizes in the fields physics, chemistry, medicine, literature and peace. Winning a Nobel Prize signifies that you have reached the pinnacle of your chosen field, and stand among the giants of human thought. In addition to a medal, and a place in history, Nobel winners receive a cash prize of over a million dollars.

Past winners of the Nobel prize include Marie Curie, Ernest Hemingway, Albert Einstein, Erwin Rudolph Joseph Alexander Schroedinger, William Faulkner, Martin Luther King, and Teddy Roosevelt.

Frankly, winning a Nobel Prize is akin to winning Super Bowl MVP, an Oscar and a Congressional Medal of Honor all at the same time. It's the greatest award a human being could possibly win.

And I have one.

So, please, Dad, can I sit at the grown up's table on Thanksgiving?

Q: How good are titan pistols?

A: When it comes to protecting your loved ones from the potential dangers of the modern world - home invaders, the Chinese army, socialists, ninjas, zombies, thrill seeking, drugged addicted veterans scarred by the horrors of war - there's no better weapon than a Titan Pistol. 

Titan Pistols kill where they point. That's Titan Promise #1. 

Most companies are afraid to tell you this, but the majority of weapons bought for home protection are used on  family members, either intentionally, to end drunken arguments, or accidentally, when you mistake your son sneaking back in the house after curfew for a burglar trying to rob you over your collection of vintage smut.  At Titan Pistols, however, we are proud of the fact that our guns kill more family members than Smith and Wesson, GLOCK, and Remington combined. 

When you bring home a Titan Pistol, someone's going to die. That's Titan Promise #2.

Unlike other manufacturers, our pistols don't misfire, or jam or cost you valuable seconds of shooting time with a complicated safety lock. Titan Pistols don't have a safety, or a trigger, or a cartridge. The moment you pick up a Titan Pistol, it will fire. If you look at a Titan Pistol, it will fire. If the air around a Titan Pistol reaches a temperature higher than 73 degrees Fahrenheit, it will fire.

You have to work hard NOT to kill someone with a Titan Pistol. That's Titan Promise #3.

Thanks to our three promises - Our guns kill where they point. Once you bring one of our guns home, someone will die. Our guns require constant diligence not to kill - we guarantee that Titan Pistols are the best gun on the market. 

How many would you like to buy to protect your family?

Oh. I see. 

I probably should have warned you to keep your family back before I began my presentation. As I said, Titan Pistols are sensitive killing machines, and as you witnessed, your wife and daughter do not have bullet proof heads.  Don't bother to get up, I'm comfortable cleaning up. This isn't my first presentation. 

Q: What would it be like if you won five million dollars?

A: Awesome. It would be awesome. Easily the single greatest moment of my life. Far greater than the first time I had sex, or my wedding, or the birth of my son or even the 2003 playoffs when the Red Sox pulled off the greatest comeback in team sports history against the Yankees and then went on to win the World Series.

I'd buy a boat, a big one, with its own captain and crew and team of bikini models to dance on me as the sun sets, and travel the world from port to port making sweet love to every stripe of the female rainbow.

I'd learn Japanese. Or carry enough yen to convince everyone I met that I knew Japanese. Their warm smiles and nods would be a good feeling and would impress my army of hangers-on, unless one of my hangers-on actually knew Japanese. Remind me not to hang out with anyone who actually knows Japanese.

Obviously I'd changed my name, get a face lift and some lipo to make myself more attractive to the ladies. Not that I'd need to be that attractive; the boat would be very big.

But, before I'd do all that I would divorce my wife, abandon my awful kids and hit the road, finally a free man.

I don't understand why you're crying, son. Your mother's young enough to find a new man for you to call Daddy. If she's smart, she'll find someone who won't find your every move a source of shame.

Now sit down. The pretty lady's about to read the numbers.

Q: Why do fingers turn black after death?

A: Post mortem black fingers mean one of two things:

1.) The victim died from exposure to the black plague.

2.) The Inker has escaped from Arkham Asylum.

The remains of the a fountain pen in the deceased's hand and the presence of a note by the body saying "I'm back to make crime in Gotham bold again" signed "The Inker" give credence to theory number 2, but the Black Plague is a serious matter and we'd be remiss not to examine all possibilities. After all, this is an election year.

I'll fire up the Bat Signal. You kill all the rats and poor people.

Q: How do you prevent meatballs from breaking up when cooking?

A: Typically you press the meatballs tightly together when making them or use a binding agent like egg whites. I don't think either method would help here.

Meatballs are usually made from ground beef or ground pork or ground turkey with some filler like breadcrumbs or cheese. Rarely do you see meatballs made from shredded wedding photos and Rolos.

I assume your wife did most of the cooking. And the cleaning. And the personal grooming. And the protecting your home from bands of marauding hobos.

The DVDs are alphabetized, so I guess you brought something to the marriage.

Q: How does the hot air balloon effect the economy?

A:  There's an old saying that dates back to the Ottoman Empire: When one's economy is in dire straits, when one's serfs or wenches bristle under rule and speak revolution, one must look to the sky; a craft of wingless flight shall be your salvation.  As you can clearly see, this rule applies as much today as it did hundreds of years ago. There is no better fix for a stagnant economy than a influx of hot air balloons.

Hot air balloons do not make magically appear from the sea or a lantern, they must be built by the hand of man. Construction of a properly magnificent hot air balloon requires miles of heavy duty canvas, industrial strength bellows, and enough strong wicker to hold three men.  The manufacture of one balloon alone would employ thirty men for three months time, and that's not including the wicker.

Not any many can captain a hot air balloon. It takes a special man of skill and pluck and courage and inspirational handsomeness. To teach and nurture and train and groom such men you will need to build schools, write and publish books, and recruit the finest barbers and personal trainers in the world, all of whom will need lodging, entertainment,  food, and legal council.

In addition to their training, hot air balloon captains require shiny, military-style uniforms complete with visor caps and black gloves and sabers, for the fighting of sky pirates. For some reason hot air balloon captains are more effective when dressed as sleek fascists. I'm not sure of sure of the science behind this; I'm not here to improve your standing in the scientific community, but to improve your economy. Anyway, they will need to be dressed and armed and that will require an army of tailors and haberdashers and blacksmiths and, eventually, sky pirates. Few man choose a life of sky piracy, but with the right amount of guilt and blackmail, enough will heed the call to make your hot air balloon captains into heroes.

As you most certainly know, no one attracts the ladies like a hot hair balloon captain. There's another old saying: He who commands the swinging sky chariot has his pick of the swooning harlots. Wise words. Now these women, in order to stand out from the crowd and attract a captain, and thereby lift themselves out of the gutter and make their family proud, will need to look nice. That means new dresses and jewels and hair and make up and those strappy high heels that make their calves look delectable.  In turn this means jobs for dress makers and cosmetologists and jewelers and cobblers and makers of durable and reliable prophylactics.

Hot air balloons are your only hope to save your dying economy. How many would you like?

Great. You'll have the materials for the first batch in a week.

I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that these hot air balloons should only be used for their intended method, as symbols of national greatness and not for anything stupid like police work or shipping or consumer travel. They can be taken out with a well-thrown rock and rarely land where they are supposed to.

I'd also like to remind you that all sales are final and your deposit is non-refundable. Enjoy your prosperity.

Q: Is rules a house of subcommittee?

A: Welcome to the U.S. House of Representatives. Congratulations on your election. You fought a tough and bitter campaign full of negative ads, push polls, race-baiting speeches and false promises and deserve to be here in the nation's capital. I'm sure you're excited to be sworn in, take the floor of the hallowed House for the first time and start making laws that benefit your largest contributors, but before you do, there's a few things you should know. In the U.S. House of Representatives, rules is not a subcommittee, rules are a way of life.

The first rule of the U.S. House of Representatives is that there are no rules.

The second rule of the U.S. House of Representative is that all rules, including and especially the aforementioned rule are subject to committee, followed by a floor debate, followed by a Yay or Nay vote; rules receiving a majority of votes will be considered passed following approval by the Senate, the House and the Senate together, and the President. Subsequently rules, including the aforementioned first rule are subject to amendments requesting financing for virtual reality petting zoos, super-conducting, super-computing, super-sized fried potatoes, and tastefully erotic photos of female staff.

The third rule of the U.S. House of Representatives is that there are many, many rules. This rule overrides the first rule of the House of Representative. For a full list of rules contact your representative. If you are your representative, go to the Library of Congress, look for the librarian with the withered hand and the one red eye - if you can't find her, ask for Janice - tell her that "The seeds of democracy are best watered with Yoo-Hoo, American's Favorite Chocolate Drink," and read whatever she gives you, except the map to her apartment and drawings from the Kama Sutra; Janice gets a little frisky and refuses to remove said erotica from the Congressional Rules Archive no matter how fiercely we paddle her.The paddling might not be the answer.

The fourth rule of the U.S. House or Representatives is that anything said on the floor of the U.S. House of Reprensentatives stays on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives. Or is broadcast on C-Span. Either way, it's not for public consumption.

The fifth rule of the U.S House of Representatives is that lunch is at 1:30PM and steak is mandatory. If you are a vegetarian, steak will be provided.

The sixth rule of the U.S. House of Representatives is that the work week contains 3 days, the month two weeks and the year 7 months. You are required to be on the floor for most of the votes during that period unless you're busy with your re-election campaign or you're on a fact-finding mission or you have a cold or you don't feel like it or you have tickets to an important football, baseball, basketball, girls' field hockey or professional wrestling match. Absences other than for the above mentioned reasons require letters from 51% of your constituents excusing you from service.

There are 167 more rules, but that's enough for now. I don't want to overwhelm you on your first day. You'll have the next two years to be overwhelmed, ineffective and a drain on the nation.