Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Q: What types of physical features are in New York?

A: Obviously there are the buildings, tall and close and grey. Streets packed with yellow cabs and town cars and carriages, horns and shouts and pleas for alacrity. The cold wide sidewalks, littered with waste or slick with mud. The people, the missile  launched locals, the post worker bankers, red faced, tie loosened, three drinks into their night, the lawyers, wigless, gaunt, the buckles of their shoes straining against overplumped feet, the students, young and huddled and passionate about everything, the angry homeless lurching toward with palm outstretch, the eugenics robots hovering eighteen inches of the ground scanning the swarthy and the tan, the tall foreign blondes, thin and scraved, running from casting to casting, and of course the stacks of corpses used to buttress the gates of the city against the Mongol hordes.

If my answers confuse you, please understand, I am a time traveler and have visited this city at many times, in many ages. Not being one to keep accurate notes, the times blend together. What year is it, anyway?

Good. Good. Many years before the Mongol hordes arrive. Plenty of time to get a gyro.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Q: What is the death rate of children in Victorian England?

A: Hmmm ... That's an interesting question, especially from someone in your position. I don't have the figures at the moment, but I'd imagine they are at par or slightly lower than the rest of Europe. I had no idea you were so inquisitive.

Hold on a moment. I believe my wife is calling. What's that, dear?


I'm terribly sorry. My wife has taken ill. We won't be able to attend the opening of Mr. Wilde's latest play. As such, we won't need a babysitter this evening. I hope you understand.

You can have the tickets. And your expected pay. And these jewels.

Please put down my daughter.

Q: How do you rid your body of methadone before a test for it?

A: Convince yourself the drug is not in your system. What the mind believes, so will the body. Learn to master this skill and take the test with peace of mind.

It will also come in handy when you need to convince yourself you didn't lose your job.

About Me

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook