Q: What are some penalties for not recognizing the value of customer service?

A: Customers will take their business elsewhere, and you'll find up broke, homeless, and living beneath an overpass.

Sure, you might think you have it made now, that you can weather any storm, handle any competition, survive any economic downturn, because you have the best product. But there's a lot more to business than having the best product. You also need to have the best service. In business, the old cliche rings true, the customer is always right.

I wasn't always broke. I wasn't always homeless. I didn't always live under this overpass. I used to be somebody. I used to have a business, a huge, successful business. I owned 14 used car lots in Nevada alone. I had the finest autos, at the lowest prices. Couldn't keep them on the lot. If you saw my office, you would have thought I owned a federal mint, all that cash flying around.

I had it all. Money, women, fame - I starred in my own commercials - private jet, solid gold robot butler, everything a man could possible imagine. I let it all go to my head, began to lose touch. I placed more value on my product than on the people buying it. Customer service went right out the window.

I'll never forget the day it happened, the day I made the fatal mistake that drove them away for good. President's Day weekend, 2004. I remember it like it was yesterday. I launched a new ad campaign, hired Martin Scorsese to direct my commercial. There I stood, in front of a fleet of Chevy Impala's, dressed like Mussolini - I even had a chest full of fake medals. "Hi, I'm Bill Ed Musgrave,"I said, "if I don't buy a car from me, go fuck yourself." The rest of the commercial, all eight minutes of it, consisted of nothing but me cackling like a madman, flipping off the camera, while the message "Go fuck Yourself!" flashed over and over again on the screen. At the time, I thought it was my best ad yet.

Seems I miscalculated.

Q: Why does god write down your behavior?

A: God loves for everyone to think that he is all powerful and all knowing, but he can be as absent minded and forgetful as the rest of us. He finds it helps to make lists and notes every now and then.  He keeps it all in this book, so we can refer to it when individuals arrive at the gates of heaven.

Now, let's take a look at what the big guy wrote about you.

I see a number of impure thoughts ... Selfish actions ... Infidelity ... Chronic tardiness ... Parking tickets ... Hit a drifter and kept driving ... Made little girl cry ... Fan of Forrest Gump ... Minor embezzlement ...

Well, there's nothing here that seems out of the ordinary. We are all human, after all, and God understands that. I think you'll enjoy things up here, we recently opened a new spa -

- Oh

There seems to be a second page.

Oh my.

Maybe I can't read the handwriting here, but did you happen to, at the age of 34, punch a baby? In the face? Then defend yourself by screaming "Jesus already paid for it"?

So, I didn't misread.

Wow.

I don't even know what to say. I'm speechless, and I'm the guy who processed Pol Pot.

Wow.

After careful consideration, I know just the place for you. Take that elevator, and you'll be there in a jiffy. If you get lost, follow the screams of the damned.

Thanks for stopping by.

Say "hi" to Pol.

Q: Does Japan produce avocados?

A: Japan produces something very similar to an avocado: A green, delicious fruit-like being that goes great with turkey and can be used to make a tasty chip dip. They call him AV Cado!

Unlike a traditional avocado, which grows until ripe, then is picked and eaten, AV Cado! enters the world fully formed, through a series of prayers, thunderstorms and scientific experiments gone wrong.

Eating an avocado is a treat for the senses. Eating AV Cado! would kill you. His skin is tougher that leather,  his fruit contains a lethal sedative, his pit designed to explode on contact with human saliva.

By day, AV Cado! and his pal, Turkey, compete as a racing team in the Super Fast Go-Go-Win league. At night, they try to keep Japan safe from the evil Professor Murder Professor.

On weekends, they perform with their rock band, Santa Ham Sandwich.

But no matter what they do, they're always having fun.

Unless AV Cado has been drinking. He tends to wound Turkey with his lacerating wit. Also, with his collection of samurai swords.

Q: Why did the colonists move west?

A: They wanted to find a little peace, maybe a little prosperity. They wanted some land of there own, a little piece of heaven where they could build a house, start a farm, raise a family. They wanted to stop running, stop waking up every night in a cold sweat, stop looking over their shoulder all the time.

They thought if they got far enough away from the big cities, far enough away from civilization, they could understand what it really means to be a man, to live off the land, to be one with nature.

They thought if they built a deep enough well, surrounded it with thick enough stone, placed it far enough away from town, they could carry on their experiments to their hearts content, all day and all night, never having to worry about judgment or discovery or arrest.

That was the dream at least.

But I guess every dream has to die someday.

Like those prostitutes.

Honestly, I never thought anyone would miss them. Maybe I should I stick to Chinamen. No one seemed to miss them. Well, hindsight is 20/20.

Q: How much energy do you burn up playing dodge ball?

A: Oh man, I must have worked off about 600 calories. I was sweating like crazy out there. That was some game.

Those kids had a lot of heart. They did not want to get hit in the face with that ball. There was so many of them, too.

Luckily, I had the element of surprise.

I also had the element of "being able to throw a bowling ball like a rubber dodge ball." That took years of practice. Twenty years, to be exact. Twenty years of hard work and dedication. And planning. Plotting really. Plotting my revenge.

Those kids never knew what hit them. I bet they'll think twice before laughing at me ever again.

They're not laughing now.

They're not really doing much of anything, except lying there motionless, bleeding from the head.

I guess there won't be another game.