Q: What are 3 power point tips?

A: There are many power point tricks and tips that could improve your presentation, help you close your sale, and set a course for a safe financial future. But three you requested, so three you shall get.

Number One: Power Point presentations should be short, effective and to the point. Anyone should be able to understand the message of each slide. They shouldn't have to find a clue, or solve a riddle, or decipher a complex code. Word problems are best avoided. Several members of the board have had strokes.

Number Two: Photoshopped images of old movie posters have no place in a power point presentation. Granted, Driving Miss Daisy might have been a more exciting movie if Miss Daisy had been driven by The Rock, and Fletch Lives might have been more compelling if Fletch had been played by The Rock, and Precious might have been the biggest box office movie of the decade if Gabourey Sidibe had been replaced by The Rock, but none of these things happened. Your business plan has nothing to do with movies. The "what if" game is a killer, but here's one "what if " you should entertain. What if I replaced the slides with movie posters with three minutes of complete silence? Would I regret it? Would I have as many ash trays thrown at me?

Number Three: Avoid racial epithets. This is a general rule for life, not just for power point. If you're going to use a racial epithet, at least know your audience. I understand Korean slurs play well to certain Japanese crowds, for example. Certainly don't list all the racial epithets you know, alphabetized  with illustrated examples. You're bound to offend everyone. Even the racists will be appalled by your lack of focus.

I hope that helped. Please incorporate those tips, and any others anyone tells you ever, into your presentation. I know you only asked for three, but here's a fourth one. Ask for power point tips before your presentation, not during.

Okay, let's see the rest of it.

Q: What purpose does a generator serve in a power plant?

A: Generators are powerful and dangerous, yet, oddly, easily harmed. A wrench in the wrong place, a bucket of water tossed carelessly, the wrong switch flipped, and the generator could just stop working, sending the whole town into blackness and panic and chaos and looting and decades old grudges solved by murder.

Trust me, I spend a lot of time thinking about such a scenario. Not just thinking, but drawing and writing and creating dioramas. I have lots of down time at my job guarding the reactor at the power plant. I put a lot of work into those dioramas. And it pays off. They get quite a reaction. No one expects to see a vivid depiction of their house burnt to the ground. No one expects their house to be the one burnt in the madness. But damage to the generator would affect everyone, even vice presidents of the company who live 14 miles away.

To answer your question, a generator is the ultimate negotiating tool at contract time. But don't forget the dioramas. Nothing inspires a raise like terror at 1/8 scale.

Q: How do kids feel if they can't bring their phone to school?

A: Angry. Really, really angry. Often to the point of violence. If not that, at least yelling. Load, constant yelling that goes on for hours.

Kids rely on their phones. For today's youth a phone is more than a status symbol. It's a best friend. A buddy. Someone to cheer you up when you're feeling maudlin. Someone to remind you that you are not alone, by showing you naked pictures of internet celebrities. Someone to use as collateral to prevent a beating in the locker room. Those kids, the ones who make friends with the phone, those kids yell.

The kids who get angry are the kids who see their friend as more than a friend. They see their phone as an employee. They don't want their phone. They need it. Drugs may sell themselves, but not if potential buyers can't reach you.

There are a lot of opportunities to sell drugs for the modern high school student. Because teachers are sad. And they do a whole lot of self-medicating.

Q: How long did they stay on the moon and where did they land?

A: Details are scarce. Most of our equipment malfunctioned during take-off when Mitchell spilled his can of Jolt on the control panel. Radio contact was limited; we had no way to monitor their health, nor their progress. The giant electric map we commissioned to track their approach to the moon took D batteries. Would have been nice to know that when we picked it up from the cartographer. Someone won't be getting his "I Helped Put a Multicultural Team of Americans on the Moon and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" T-shirt. Actually, no one will be getting them. The manufacturer left town with our down payment. I'm sure people will enjoy a hastily scribbled Post-It with the same message just as much. Remind me to make those.

Obviously, we have no idea where they landed, but we can assure you it was on the moon. We suspect somewhere near the top and around toward the back. That's were Frank threw the dart on our scale model. He's got pretty good aim. According to the flight plan, they will drive their moon rover, a converted golf cart loaded with dumbbells, directly to the Sea of Tranquility, where they will destroy all traces of previous moon expeditions and claim the moon for our county. This all depends on the moon rovers, but we assume they'll work fine. We spent all last weekend on them, tying down the weights and covering them with decals. Gene could barely lift it once we were done, and he's the strongest guy in the space program.

Earlier, you asked "How long did they stay on the moon?" Your question, being in past tense, makes me think you believe the team is back on Earth, their mission completed. Such a belief is mistaken. They're still up there. We can't really say how long. All the clocks in here stopped working once we pulled out the D batteries and everyone had their cell service shut off due to non-payment. Those are the kind of sacrifices you make to send a man into space. The weekly celebratory keg parties don't pay for themselves. That money has to come from somewhere.

Don't worry though. Our team will be back soon enough. They have everything they need to get back home. Parts. Fuel. Instructions. Everything. All they need to do is build a new rocket from the spare parts of their lunar module, find a heat source, and, using Professor Bernheimer's formula, convert moon rocks into rocket fuel. The only way the plan could fail is if they damage some of the parts or lose the formula. And there's no way they would be dumb enough to -

Oh boy.

Heh. Heh.

How about that? While  answering your question, I reached into my pocket for my grocery list - after our conversation I'm going to the grocery store - and I couldn't find it. But I did find the slip of paper with Professor Bernheimer's formula. Which means our team on the moon will try make space fuel with a list of toiletries and fruit.

Man, that is a gutbuster.

Don't tell anyone about this, okay? This could be a real black eye for the Berkshire County Space Program. And we'd been doing so well.

Q: How do you get your hp laptop to turn on after hibernating?

A: Pour whiskey on it. If that doesn't work, try calling it a disappointment while shaking it. If your computer still won't wake up, pelt it with lit cigarettes.

I admit, I don't know much about computers, but I do know a lot about sleeping in. That's how my father would get me out of bed.

I'm just kidding.

My father would never waste whiskey. 

Q: What is wattage of ATM Bank Machine?

A: Whatever wattage it needs to run the machine and make the screen glow and light up that little light next to the slot where you put your card. I don't know, 11. 11 watts. Does that sound right?

I'm not a scientist, okay. If I were a scientist, I wouldn't need you to build me a magical ATM card that would let me withdraw all the money in any ATM with a single swipe, I would build it myself. But I'm not a scientist, I'm merely a genius. The genius who not only came up with the idea of a magical ATM card, but who also drew a detailed schematic.

All I need you to do is build it. If I had known I was going to be subjected to a series of stupid questions, I would have just asked my father for money and not gone to the trouble of designing the greatest invention in the history of man.

Now, are you going to build it? Or are you going to let them shut off my cable?

Q: Does a chip hurt a dog?

A: I spent eleven years designing this microchip, eleven long, lonely years stuck in a cabin in Nebraska, shunning society, my only friend an invisible Parrot named Mr. Cinnamon, working day after day after day, skipping meals, letting my hygiene suffer, straining my eyes - blindness creeping in - suffering hour by hour, minute by minute to design the perfect behavior modification chip, a chip that would make any dog behave, use the toilet like a man and prepare healthy dinners for a family of four.

I don't think I would have devoted a third of my life making such a chip if I wanted to hurt your dog.

Once I install this chip, and press this button, your dog will become the perfect companion. He will heed your every command, protect your home from intruders, dispose of his own waste, and thrill your guests with his culinary creations. Be aware, due to time constraints he will only know two recipes, Chicken Penne and Grilled Seabass with Wasabi Mashed Potatoes. At the end of the design process, I realized to program more recipes I would need to delete his ability to bark the song Black and Yellow by Whiz Khalifa. I think you'll agree I choose wisely.

Okay, chip's in. The bleeding will stop in a day or two. If it lasts more than a week, let me know. You can leave a note for me in an garbage can in Crescent Park. Trust me, I'll find it. One press of this button and you have the world's best behaved dog. There. He's ready.

Command him to sit.

That's odd.

Try again.

Does he usually foam at the mouth so much? Has he always had so many teeth?

Oh dear.

Please stop yelling, you're only making him angry. You should probably know that the microchip also gives him the strength of twelve dogs and the bloodlust of a Great White Shark.

I figured it wouldn't come up, unless you gave him an order to attack. Why would you ever do that if you wanted a well-behaved dog?

Now is not the time to argue over who misled who. We should stick together and join forces if we want to survive. Luckily I have an ace up my sleeve.

Mr. Cinnamon, attack!

Q: What two things make microwaves more dangerous?

A: Microwaves are death traps. If the door is broken, they can cause radiation poisoning. If you put metal in them, they will explode. They can turn any food into a weapon. To make them more dangerous you'd have to replace the handle with a piece of razor sharp steel, or replace the window with a laser that causes blindness. Only a fool would do that.

On an unrelated note, would you have any interest in buying a microwave? I don't use it any more, but it works great. Trust me.

I'd look you in the eye if I could, but the doctors say I have to keep them bandaged for another month. Let's shake on it. Don't be alarmed by my prosthetic fingers.

Q: How do you activate your DVD on your hp computer?

A: I never thought you'd ask that. Son, there's something you should know. There's a reason you can't play your DVD on your computer, a simple, valid, totally understandable reason, a reason I will tell you right now. Look into the camera while I tell you. Right here, look right here. Are you ready?

You don't have a computer. You have a cardboard box with lines drawn on it. Your keyboard is nothing but an old log covered with Alph-Bits. That image on your monitor is from an issue of Wired I found in the garbage.All those beeps and flashing lights? I made those sounds. I flipped the light switch whenever you used the computer.You don't really have a computer. You have a box. A cardboard box.

When we gave you your box, we thought you'd be really sad, maybe cry, lash out, freak out, something, do something,anything, and we'd get it all on tape and be a shoo-in to win the grand prize on America's Funniest Home Videos. But you didn't freak out or cry or anything like that. You seemed happy. You seemed to think that you had a computer. We assumed you'd eventually discover that you didn't have a computer, that you'd try to play a game or a friend would tell you or you'd notice that the image on the monitor never changed, something, anything that would make you cry or freak out or make a scene, a scene worthy of $10,000 and a trip to Hollywood. We were sure it was bound to happen, could happen at any moment. So we kept rolling and kept rolling and kept rolling. For seven years.

You know what we have for our trouble? The world's most boring documentary about the world's dumbest kid. With the world's saddest father.

But at least we have an ending.

If you could cry or something, that would really help me out. We won't win that $10,000, but we might end up on Tosh.0. I'd like my life to mean something.

Q: What is the following limit on twitter?

A: You can follow as many people as you like, for as long as you care, with any computer, smartphone, tablet or wireless device you choose.

As long as you only follow them on the internet, from the comfort of your own home.

Once you start following people in person - in groceries stores, shopping malls, comic-book conventions, at youth-league soccer games, up the stairs of their home as they flee, as they throw lamps and vases and tables and pets behind them to slow your pursuit - you are no longer engaging in a "free wheeling exchange of ideas," you are engaging in stalking.

We have laws against that. Not pretend, internet laws that result in "Unfollows" and "Defriending," but real, enforceable laws that result in arrest and incarceration.

So I'm going to need you to step away from the door, drop your iPad, put your hands behind your head and face the wall.

Yes, I do have a twitter feed. You can follow me at @ItchyTriggerFinger. Would you like to guess why I use that name? I'll give you a hint: it's not rash related.

Q: How do you attach a file to an email message?

A: You will need either a Cyber Paperclip, AKA CyberClip, which can be purchased on my website (CyberStationary.com) for a mere $49.99, or a tube of InterNet Glue Stick, also available at my website ($54.45).

Print out your document, making at least three copies. Apply the Internet Glue, or the CyberClip  to the document, attach the document to the screen of your computer, pour grape soda onto your keyboard, move your computer's mouse three inches to the left and softly speak the words: By The Chariot of Helios, I Bring You Light.

Did your attachment go through?

Really?

Let me take a look. Oh, I see what you did here. First of all, grape drink is not grape soda. You need to buy grape soda. Also a new keyboard. You ruined this one with grape drink. I'll do you a favor and go to the store to get some grape soda.

While I'm gone, practice softly speaking the incantation. It sounded like you whispered. The email Gods can't hear your whisper.

Whatever you do, don't press that button that says "Attachments." That button holds nothing but lies.

Q: What do the codes on plastic containers mean?

A: What you call codes, we call labels.

For instance, this combination of letters and numbers is not a hidden message, but a word. 7-Up. It's a delicious and refreshing carbonated beverage, packaged in a plastic two liter bottle.

This container contains caramel popcorn. That's why the label says "Caramel Corn." Not a code. Nothing secret, but an explanation. You can read a label and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what's in the container.

This label says "Mayonnaise."

I bet I know what's in this container.

I bet it's mayonnaise.

Yup, I was right.

Mayonnaise.

The label told me the truth. That's what labels do. They tell the truth.

Now, can you guess what's in that container you're holding, the one with the hand written label that says "Mom's Ashes"?

That's a nice guess, but does it really taste like cake batter?

Guess again. Maybe without eating another spoonful first.

Q: How the COW is useful?

A: The COW can be used to:

 - Provide enough milk to feed 24 babies for 8 weeks.

 - Predict weather patterns.

 - Entertain drunken frat boys.

 - Provide sexual release for lonely farmers.

 - Destroy a small village in seconds.

 - Survive a nuclear explosion.

 - Provide air support to our troops on the ground.

We've come a long way in the development of the Cybornetic bOvine Weapon, or COW.

We chose to capitalize the "O" in bovine instead of the "B" for obvious reasons.

You can thank Sanchez for that. He's something of a whiz when it comes to acronyms.

Q: How machine gun works?

A: You point that end at the person or animal you want to scare or kill, and you pull that little guy right there. You don't even need to pull it more than once, or even aim. Just keep squeezing that sucker and move the gun all around.

Of course, to actually harm anything, you would need bullets, instead of blanks. I keep the bullets hidden, for obvious reasons. You won't know where the real bullets are until you calm down.

As a matter of fact, I don't want to discuss anything until you give me a chance to put some clothes on and calm down a bit myself. Your wife and I thought you would be out of town for a week. You can imagine how surprised we are to see you standing in the doorway gently sobbing, holding a machine gun full of fake bullets.

Although, from what your wife has told me, I'm not surprised to see your firing blanks.

Q: Can technology have positive affects on kids?

A: I don't think it can have an affect other than positive.

Before technology, my kids were losers. They looked like losers. They thought like losers. Most importantly, they fought like losers.

They were nothing more than a puddle of broken bones, tears and excuses.

Losers, through and through.

Then I discovered technology. Now my kids are winners. They look like winners. They think like winners. You better believe they fight like winners.

Thanks to their titanium reinforced skeletons, their cybernetically enhanced reflexes and the small missle launchers implanted on their arms, my kids haven't lost a fight in month. They're the kings of the playground. They get all the lunch money.

Other parents may complain, but that doesn't bother me.  Losers complain. I know. I used to be one.

Now, I'm a winner, just like my kids.

All thanks to technology.

As well as my bank's generous lending policy.

Q: What is usually the first page a visitor will go to in a website?

A: They will usually go to the home page. After that, they will go to whatever page they find most pertinent to the matter at hand. For instance, someone visiting a site about how to cook salmon, might go to the Frequently Asked Questions page, figuring that's where he could find answers to common questions.

Along those lines, someone who goes to a website devoted to surviving a snake bite might want information about how to survive a snake bite. If they can't find that information on the home page, they will look for a FAQ, or perhaps a search option. If they're visiting the website, they're probably there for a reason. That reason is probably to find information to help survive a snake bite.

They're probably not interested in photos from your bowling league's banquet. Or songs you wrote inspired by reruns of Mama's Family. Or lists of celebrities you would like to impregnate. Half of these people are dead by the way. That's just creepy. And Bert Parks? Seriously? He's a dude. Where's the fetus going to gestate?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. I'm a little emotional. A rattlesnake bit my friend Tommy on a hike yesterday. Google led me to your site and, well, you know what happened next. You've read the lawsuit.

No, he was not comforted by the photos of you holding a bowling trophy as his life slipped away. If anything, your website made him angry, his blood pressure to rise and sending the poison coursing through his veins even faster. All of this is covered in the lawsuit, which I watched you read.

I'm beginning to think you don't know what words mean.

Q: What do you tell a customer if credit card machine is broken?

A: Look him in the eye and say, "I'm sorry, sir. Our credit card machine is not working at this time. We will gladly take cash for your purchase."

Then remind him that he probably should be paying cash in the first place. If he really can't afford something, he probably shouldn't buy it. That's just good, sound, financial advice.

If he bristles at your advice, point out that you are the one wearing a tie and demand some respect. If he continues to argue, point out that you are the one with a job and he's the one shopping for video games in the daytime when normal people are at work. To top it off, he can't even afford these children's game and is only arguing with you to feel better about himself and his dead-end, worthless existence.

If he continues to argue, and at this point he may be making threats, calmly say "I'm sorry that life has passed you by, sir. Please step aside so other customers can make their purchases, which they can afford, and get back to their happy productive lives." That should end things.

If you need to, feel free to call mall security. They have tasers now and they are not afraid to use them. Have you ever seen a man get tased? It's pretty awesome.

Whatever you do, don't tell the customer that the credit card machine is broken because I spilled Jaggermeister on it during that party we had in the store last week. We aren't supposed to be having parties in the store and some of those girls are still in high school. I don't want word to spread, except to other girls in the high school.

Q: What makes an electromagnet more powerful?

A: I've been a physicist for most of my adult life, and I honestly can't answer that question.

We've tried everything, more coils, stronger coils, newer coils, tighter coils, different material, more power, new wiring, multiple locations, prayer. Yes, we've even tried prayer. Take a guess how well that worked.

Surprisingly well, actually. I didn't mean to sound sarcastic. Prayer made the electromagnet slightly more powerful, yet still not powerful enough to deflect the asteroid heading toward Earth.

We've tried everything and nothing worked. I guess we're all doomed.

Unless...

Miss Kelly, are you willing to do anything to save Earth?

Anything?

Great. Then take your clothes off and make love to me.

Quickly, there's not much time left.

Before we begin, you should take a look at some of these videos I downloaded, to get a sense of what I expect.

Q: What is the name of the grid system used to plot points on a globe?

A: That's a proprietary device I invented, for use in planning world domination.

I call it the Dominatron 2120.

Everything's always named 2000 this or something 3000. I wanted to mix it up.

I have no intention of selling it. It's mostly for personal use.

As you can see, the grid fits nicely over any standard globe hologram.

The green triangles indicate my various subterranean lairs.

The red circles are cities where I control the government.

The blue squares show the deployment of my gorilla army.

The black hearts?

Those must be smudges.

Damn.

I thought I turned those off.

You weren't supposed to see them.

Okay, fine.

Those are the homes of girls who I fancied in high school and college.

Please don't write about that in your article.

I'd hate to lose the respect of the entire megalomaniac community.

They all do it for money and power. I just want to make some girls jealous.

Seriously, who wouldn't love a man who controls a whole gorilla army?

I mentioned that the gorillas ride on rhinos, right?

Make sure you put that in your article.

And make sure you send a copy to the Ithaca College Alumni Association. And the Mount Greylock Regional High School Facebook page.

Q: Can you use your computer on an airplane?

A: Laptop computers may be used once we reach 10,000 feet.

Computers intent on world domination and the subjugation of man are forbidden at any altitude.