Q: What are assets when applying for a loan?

A: Items of value that you own, which the bank can take should you fail to honor your agreement.

For something to be considered an asset, it must have actual value and be something you actually own.

The players on your Fantasy Football team are not assets. I understand that you are league champion for three years running, and the roster has great sentimental value, but you do not own any of these players. They don't work for you, they are not under contract to you, they don't report to you, they don't even know you exist.

Oh, dear.

Sir, if you could compose yourself.

Would you like a tissue? Do you need a moment?

I assumed you were aware of the true nature of fantasy sports. The word "fantasy" right there, at the start, might have been a hint. Fantasy, as in "not real," as in "imagined." Fantasy. In a pretend world that exists only in your head, you control the lives of these players. They play for real teams who pay them real money in a real stadium full of real people. You have nothing to do with any of that.

Please, sir, I have no interest in seeing printouts of your league statistics. Yes, I see that you have won many games. And if you could buy a house with nothing but good will and pats on the back from co-workers and "Attaboys," then you would absolutely qualify for a loan.

However, houses cost money, real money, of which you have none. All you have is a sheet after sheet of paper full of imaginary numbers with no correlation to real life. Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself for wasting my time.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some calls to make. The market tumbled unexpectedly today and my stock portfolio took quite a hit. I need to get my broker on the phone and figure out what's going on.

Q: What happens to the fish when a river floods?

A: They come right to you, right up on the land, right up to your front door; sometimes, if you've planned well enough, and the flood severe enough, they come right into the frying pan. You won't have to spend another second wading into the water, the muck slipping into your boots, your hands filthy with worm guts, waiting, waiting for hours in the hopes of catching one fish, two if you're lucky, all to please that horrible wife of yours - the one who's sister you should have married when you had the chance - your wife with her "delicate system" who can only digest fish, fresh fish, fresh freshwater fish. Trout mostly. She loves trout.

Well, she's about to get all the trout she can handle. Trout for days. That river will be flooded in no time, the fish crawling into the streets, literally knocking at our door.

Now, handle me that other stick of dynamite. I hope we brought enough. From a distance, this dam seemed small and feeble. Up close, it's larger and sturdier than I imagined. No time for second guessing. We've come this far.

All right, let's move over by that car, some place a little safer. Charges are set, everything appears to be ready. Floaties inflated?

Good. It looks like we've thought of everything. On the count of three, blow the damn thing.

One ...
Two ...
You should hold your breath. Things are about to get mighty wet.
Three!