Q: Can you convert teaspoon into cups?

A: I've only just started dabbling in alchemy. I'm not quite there yet.

I can turn ice into water.

Would you like to see that?

Q: How much Carbohydrates are needed in a day?

A: You need hundreds. Actually, thousands. You need carbohydrates with every meal. And often in between.

You need to eat carbohydrates, as many as possible, all the time, or you will die.

You know the best way to get carbohydrates?

A pizza.

An large pizza with pepperoni and extra cheese. Nothing beats that.
.
Hold on. I have to take this call ... Hello, Big Tommy's Pizza, this is Big Tommy. How can I help you? ... Okay ... Okay ... $18.45. You can pick it up in twenty minutes ... Thank you.

Okay, where was I? Right.We were talking about you and your health. And how you need carbohydrates to live.

Now did you want to get that pizza?

Or do you want to die?

Q: At what time did the huge fire start in the north of Israel on December 2 2010?

A: I have no earthly idea. Whenever it was, I was asleep.

Yes, I was asleep at noon. I take frequent naps. I fell asleep watching a movie.

The movie? Uh ... it was ... B ...ad ... It was Bad Boys ... Bad Boys 2.

I can't be expected to remember the plot of every movie I see.

As I told you I fell asleep. I keep a lot of oily rags around the house, as you can see, and they occasionally make me sleepy.

I am an oily rag collector. That's why I have so many around the house.

Come on, lot's of people have books on arson in their personal library.

And it's not like I'm the only person with shelves made out of empty cans of gasoline.

Q: How is vitamin B12 added to Marmite?

A: That's a very interesting question. Like many interesting questions, it requires a lengthy answer.

Why don't you get comfortable?

Take off your shoes. Relax.

Would you care for a drink? I have an extensive wine collection.

Umm ... isn't that tasty.

Now, where was I? Yes, Marmite.

You have such beautiful eyes. And such soft skin. And the most amazing lips.

Ouch!

What the fuck?

All this talk about B-12 and Marmite ...  I thought you wanted to hook up. I figured it was all a sign.

Who the hell cares about Marmite?

You are such a tease.

Q: Do sea lions like seals?

A: No. No matter how hard I try.

I've tried everything.

A little mood music. Some alcohol. Explicit diagrams.

Still nothing.

I've even dressed up like a seal, and tried to seduce Kyle.

Kyle is my sea lion.

He didn't like it. He bit me. Hard.

Now I'm out three bottles of champagne, I'm sick to death of Barry White, and I may have rabies.

And I still don't have a baby seal lion.

All that time I spent rescuing Kyle from Africa and shaving his mane and teaching him how to swim. All for nothing.

At this point, I really regret quitting my job at Best Buy.