Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Q: What is the difference between a responsible minister and a minister responsible?

A: "A responsible minister" is a type of minister, one who carries out his office as best he can, who follows moral and ethical guidelines, who maintains the public trust, who keeps his personal feelings out his his professional affairs, who sacrifices his wealth and and fame for the betterment of his constituents.

"A minister responsible" is the clause often used to identify a previously unknown government official and to explain the nature and severity of his crimes. Examples of this clause include, "Miles Higginbottom, a minister responsible for embezzling public funds to finance his failed career as masked vigilante Tire Iron Tim, refused to comment on the sudden surge in tire iron related attacks over the past week" and "Miles Higgenbottom, a minister responsible for telling a group of second-graders that Santa Claus is an elaborate hoax perpetrated by their parents, set fire to a center for recovering burn victims while attempting to demonstrate the improved response time of the volunteer Fire Department" and "Miles Higgenbottom, a minister responsible for the mandatory public rickshaw system, drove through a church today." Those clauses might seem familiar as they are all from recent nightly news broadcasts, and as they all feature you, Deputy Minister of Transportation Miles Higgenbottom.

You've had a busy week.



Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Q: How do you change the glass in a car window?

A: Brute force and a hammer. If you don't a hammer, use whatever you have at hand,  a rock or a bowling ball or a small wooden badger.

See? that wasn't so hard.

Why are you crying? Why would you need the cops? I changed the glass. There used to be glass. Now there's no glass. Change.

Oh. I see.

You meant "replace." Maybe you should be more careful what words you use when you shout at a homeless man carrying a small wooden badger.

Well it sounded like shouting to me.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Q: Are gamma rays and x-rays the same?

A: Common question. Had it myself. Being the "can-do" type, (as evident by my homemade alarm system, a bag of cats suspended over every door,) I decided to conduct my own experiments to discover the answer.

One experiment really. While my son slept, I bombarded him with x-rays to see if he would turn into the Hulk or some Hulk-like being. If x-rays and gamma rays are the same, my experiment would be an immediate success. Where once I had a son who cried at the sight of squirrels, now I would have an eight-foot tall green monster able to swing trains cars like baseball bats. With a son like that, it's doubtful the soccer moms would continue to reject my advances.

As you might imagine, not all experiments go as planned. Instead of adding three hundred pounds of muscle and gaining the ability to leap three miles at a time, my son sat around all day crying and wheezing and complaining that his insides burned. Thankfully, the crying stopped after three days. Unfortunately, so did the moving, and the breathing and the general condition known as "being alive."

I guess it's back to the drawing board.

That's my little euphemism for prison.

About Me

My photo
Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook