Q: Why is it illegal to stalk?

A: Stalking, while technically legal, shows poor character and a lack of courage. If you like a girl, walk up to her, stand up straight, look her in the eye and ask her out. If she says no, she says no. Move on with your life.

You won't make the situation any better by stalking. You can follow her around from a safe distance all day, stand outside her window all night, break into her home while she's gone, try on all her clothes to get a sense of how she thinks, murder her friends and loved ones, one by one, until she has no one else to turn to, but if the chemistry's not there, it's not there. You can't force these things. Trust me, I know.

If I had a nickel for every girl I stalked, I'd be a goddamn millionaire.

I've just been handed a note by my bailiff. Hmmmm. Apparently stalking is illegal. Highly illegal.

You'll have to excuse me, this is my first day as a judge.

Probably my last day, too.

But, before they throw me out, let's schedule some hangings!

Q: How many cases of swine flu are there in Minnesota?

A: One month ago, we had zero cases.  Today, we have over twenty six thousand, and growing.

Every minute that goes by, another unsuspecting man comes down with this deadly disease.

There's no question what's behind this sudden outbreak.

Gentlemen, I hate to admit this, but it appears we made a terrible mistake when we legalized Swine Brothels.

Q: What it means when you see a green lizard on your pillow?

A: Might be a good time to give up drinking.

Or, to start drinking.

Really depends if the lizard is real or a hallucination.

Only one way to tell:

Give it a kiss.

Q: When did William Howard became president?

A: There has never been a President Howard.

Nor a President Fine.

Nor a President Batman.

I've been doing a little be of research. Grandpa. Turns out those "history" books you have been giving me are nothing more than old-fashioned comic books.

I don't think I need to remind you that President Palin outlawed comic books at the start of her third term.

I don't appreciate your lies.

I know which way I'll be voting at your death panel.

Q: What time of the day is an elephant active?

A: They're most active between the hours of noon and four. Before that, they sleep. After that, they sleep.

If you want to fight an elephant, I'd suggest coming back here around 2PM tomorrow.

If you want fight an elephant, and win, you might want to come before noon. They're pretty sound sleepers. You can do a lot of damage before they even realize they're in a fight.

But once they realize, you better be real good at fighting, or real good at running. If you choose to fight, get ready for the fight of your life. If you choose to run, get used to running forever.

Elephants don't like when people disturb their slumber. Nothing gets them more mad. And they got a might short temper. And a mighty long memory.

You know the old saying, "An elephant never forgets to punish those who cross him."

Yeah, most people only know the shorter saying. The man who populated it was eaten mid-sentence by an elephant.

Most people don't know that.

Most people weren't there to see it happen.