Q: What was the impact of world war 2 on imperialism and colonialism?

A: The war ended all imperialism and colonialism, across the entire globe, forever. Except for the Soviet Union. And the United States. And China.

Q: How can you contact MTV Producers like Jeff Tremaine?

A: Wait her one second, sir. I'll go fetch him for you.

Just wait over there, on those couches. It will only be a minute.

I'm sure he's excited to see you, too. Why wouldn't he be, what with your extensive knife collection and all those detailed drawings of his evisceration and dismemberment? You obviously put a lot of work into those. You must have followed him around for months.

It will just be one more moment. Mr. Tremaine is on his way right now. He'll have some friends with him, well trained, heavily armed friends. I think you'll like them.

Before his friends arrive, I have one question for you. You seem a little bulky today. Are you wearing any kevlar beneath your suit?

You are. That's great. Smart thinking. You never can be too careful these days.

Look, here come the friends now.

Okay boys, make it a head shot!

Q: What book statue of liberty is holding?

A: Lady Liberty holds a journal, not a book. In her journal, she writes her feelings, her hopes, her dreams, the names of other statues she fancies, drawings of dead things, lists of better names for actors, ideas for family comedies on ABC's long defunct TGI Friday line up, descriptions of gum flavors she loathes, and detailed plans for world domination.

Q: How do you record yourself without a video camera?

A: Hire a court room sketch artist. Have him follow you around for days and draw you living your life. Then bind all the drawings together and create a flip book.

That's what I did. Would you like to see my flip book?

There I am, relaxing in the park.

There's me, making love to a beautiful woman. I climaxed quickly. That's why there are only two pictures.

There I am, shopping for groceries. Exciting stuff, isn't it.

And then there's me, in court, on trial for murder.

That's how I met my sketch artist friend.

Acquitted!

Q: How long does it take to sail one mile?

A: Sailing a mile usually takes about ten minutes. We should be able to cover the distance in about two.

I stole the engine out of that rich jock's Porsche and put it in the boat.

Now we can win the regatta, save Grandma's home from foreclosure and learn a valuable lesson about putting aside our differences and coming together as a team.

We'll be able to do all these things once we mutiny and throw the captain overboard.

He refuses to use the Porsche engine. He considers it cheating.

I guess he doesn't care about winning the regatta. Or saving your Grandma's house.