Q: What are all the gun laws and restrictions in Australia?

A: There are two laws:

1.) If you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.

2.) There are two kinds of people in the world: Those with the gun. And those who dig.

I'm sorry, those are the gun laws from The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.

I never saw Australia.

Q: What is the best clothes for winter?

A: A bear suit.

Made from the actual skin and fur of a bear.

A bear that you have killed yourself, preferably by hand.

Or at least hit with your car.

Any bear will do. Any real bear.

Yogi Bear is not a real bear.

You did not kill him and skin him and fashion his flesh into a suit.

You bought that costume at Target.

The tag is still on it.

I'm starting to wonder if you are truly ready to spend a year alone in the Alaskan wilderness.

Q: Do girls like guys who can play guitar in a band?

A: They sure do.

As long as they play real songs on their guitar.

And they are in a band made up of human beings.

Your "Cat Band for Deaf People" is very clever.

But I fear the girls you seek might see right through it.

Unless you are trying to woo these pillows you keep getting from Japan.

In which case, you probably don't need to try so hard.

Q: Why is baseball equipment too expensive?

A: Players. Players.

We call them players now, Grandpa.

Yes, even the black ones.

And the brown ones.

Them, too.

People don't use the term "Nips" much anymore. It's considered a little offensive.

So is that word.

So is that gesture.

And that one.

This isn't about the generation gap anymore. Now you're just being an asshole.

It's times like this that I really regret giving you my kidney.

Q: How far back can a mother get child support in Illinois?

A: As far back as you can prove delinquency of payment.

But, and here's kind of a touchy subject, so I'll just come right out and say it.

You can't collect back support for any of the children you drowned.

I don't make the laws, ma'am.

I just enforce them.

I can't say why I choose this profession. Maybe I wanted to give back. Maybe I love chasing down deadbeat dads. Maybe I love the constant access to poor, needy, vulnerable women.

You seem sad, by the way.

How are you feeling?

Why don't we go grab a drink and talk about it?