Q: How do you beat twitch in star wars knights of the old republic?

A: Years ago, before you were born, I left my home in Schenectady and boarded a train bound for Milwaukee.  I sat down next to a man who bothered me. I don't know what it was about him, maybe his mismatched socks, one navy, one maroon, his crumb-covered vest, the odor of old feet wafting from his belt, or his uneven beard, but it was something, something I didn't like.  I would have switched seats had I could but I could not, so I sat with my head down, hoping he would depart soon.

He rode all the way to Milwaukee. Along the way, the woman behind me began to convulse. She kicked the back of my seat, slapped me in the head, fell to the ground foaming at the mouth. The whole time, the man in the seat next to me clapped his hands and giggled. "Is that Joan Rivers?" he shouted, over and over again, clapping louder. "Is that Joan Rivers? Is that Joan Rivers? Is that Joan Rivers?" It was not Joan Rivers. It was an elderly epileptic struggling to live. I never thought I'd see a worse case of timing than that man asking that question while that woman writhed in the aisle. Until right now. Until you lept from your seat, shouted your question about Star Wars and ruined your grandmother's funeral.

Congratulations, son, you've asked the most ill-timed, poorly thought out question I have ever heard. You deserve a trophy. I'll leave for Milwaukee tomorrow to pick it up. Hopefully that guy still has it.