Q: Does the earth rotate or orbit around the sun?

A: The Earth stays perfect still, at the center of the universe, and the sun revolves around it.

Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

I've been studying astronomy since the day I could read. I've read everything on the subject; every major text, every discredited theory, every random, half-baked theory that someone jotted down on a piece of parchment.

I've read it all, in order, to better understand the context. I'm up to the year 1512. I highly doubt much has changed since then.

Q: How machine gun works?

A: You point that end at the person or animal you want to scare or kill, and you pull that little guy right there. You don't even need to pull it more than once, or even aim. Just keep squeezing that sucker and move the gun all around.

Of course, to actually harm anything, you would need bullets, instead of blanks. I keep the bullets hidden, for obvious reasons. You won't know where the real bullets are until you calm down.

As a matter of fact, I don't want to discuss anything until you give me a chance to put some clothes on and calm down a bit myself. Your wife and I thought you would be out of town for a week. You can imagine how surprised we are to see you standing in the doorway gently sobbing, holding a machine gun full of fake bullets.

Although, from what your wife has told me, I'm not surprised to see your firing blanks.

Q: What would you study if you had good dreams sometimes and bad dreams sometimes?

A: When it comes to matter of the human mind, you can never go wrong with a good, long study of phrenology.

Are your bad dreams caused by an abnormal shaped alimentiveness? Or, do you suffered from chronic lack of amativeness? Are you blessed by a vast, shapely benevolence?

There's only way to be sure: by buying this phrenology textbook!

Are you sure you don't want one? They're only $49.95.

Okay. Since you seem like such a fine man, I'll give it to you for only $39.95.

$29.95?

Twenty bucks? Who doesn't have twenty bucks?

For the love of God, please buy one. I have 500 of them. I spent my life savings. I thought I'd found a goldmine. I had no idea phrenology had long been discredited.

Q: What does it mean if someone is theatrical?

A: When someone calls you theatrical, they mean you are dramatic, larger than life, your gestures and movements broad and exaggerated as if you are playing to the back of a crowded theatre. Calling someone "theatrical" would  be considered a wonderful compliment, especially if they are auditioning for a part in a stage musical, a farce or even a silent film.

This, however, is not an audition. This is a job interview. An unsuccessful job interview.

Perhaps you misunderstood our ad. We don't need someone to "play" the "role" of a kidnapper, we're looking for a kidnapper. Someone subtle. Someone who can remain invisible. Someone who will keep his cool under intense pressure. You can see why you wouldn't work out.

But I've said too much already.

We're going to have to shoot you now. Try not to make a big deal out of it.

Q: How have spacesuits changed over time?

A: They used to be a lot less revealing.

Times sure have changed.

Wasn't that long ago we didn't have any super model astronauts. Now we have dozens.

Then again, wasn't that long ago that Earth was destroyed by nuclear armageddon, forcing us to escape in this rocket ship and spend our remaining years searching the galaxy for a new home while trying to repopulate the species. But that's the hand we've been dealt.

Sooooo, why don't you slip into one of those spacesuits while I make us a couple drinks and put on some mood music?

Bring some friends.

For the good of the species.