Q: What was the worst part of Romeo and Juliet?

A: Where to begin?

First of all, there's not one single montage in the whole story. How are we supposed to accept Romeo and Juliet falling in love if we never see them running on the beach in slow motion? Or sharing an ice cream? Or committing a series of increasingly violent armed robberies?

Second, the play contains very few dance-offs. In fact, I can't even remember a single one. Are we to believe that hundreds of years ago, young people didn't woo each other through impromptu dances-offs? Simply ludicrous. This play should not be classified as tragedy, it should be classified as science fiction. Better yet, as science lies.

Third, at no point in this so called "story" do any of the main characters put aside their differences to win a regatta, or talent show, or baseball game, thus raising enough money to save the Capulet home from foreclosure, keeping it out of the hands of greedy developers. This simply does not happen! Such a plot line is never mentioned, nor even implied. And people consider this play to be great?

And don't even get me started on the lack of ninjas. Or robots. There are neither! There's not even a polar bear who wears a suit made of vanquished foes and rules the underworld with an iron fist. In fact, there's not much to this story at all, aside from a couple of overly dramatic teenagers who seem to think the world revolves around them.

I thought this Shakespeare was some kind of great writer. Well, congratulations Bill, you wrote a  very special episode of Dawson's Creek. Not even the emotional range of James Van Der Beek could save this piece of tripe.

Q: How do you get a guy to ask you to dance with him at a dance?

A: The first way is to be really hot. Obviously that's not an option in your case.

You could try dressing really slutty. Again, in your case that seems to have backfired. If you're going to wear a dress that revealing, you really need to shave. And I don't mean your legs.

I mean your chest, armpits and back.

While people may enjoy the idea of a werewolf, seeing one in the flesh can be a little disturbing.

You may also want to stop ripping girls' heads off. That reeks of desperation.

No one wants to elect a Prom Queen by default. That takes all the fun out of it.

Q: How far can a puppy fall?

A: A puppy can fall from the greatest heights, sink to the greatest depths. A puppy can, one day, rule a great kingdom, commanding land as far as he can see, with an army of loyal subjects ready to do his bidding, only to find himself soon reduced to rooting through trash for food and accepting hand outs from strangers. Such is the life of a puppy, always subjected to the cruel winds of fate.

A puppy can fall incredibly far, metaphorically speaking.

Literally, a puppy can probably fall about eight feet, onto something soft, preferably a mattress or trampoline. A fall greater than that, onto a surface like concrete, would probably kill it.

Put the puppy down, Bob. He did nothing to you. You're taking this far too personally.

An all canine production of King Lear requires an all canine cast. I thought you understood.

I'm sorry, Bob, but no one buys your dog act. You are simply not convincing.

Please stop barking, you're only embarrassing yourself.

Q: What movies have Hailey Duff been in?

A: Hailey Duff, one of our finest young actors, and a national treasure, has appeared in dozens of movies, such as Napolean Dynamite, My Sexiest Year, and Foodfight!

But I feel her best work has been in a multi-part epic film of my own making, called The Greatest Movie Ever.

Would you like to see it?

Look how wonderful she is here in this scene, walking into a Starbucks to get coffee. So radiant. So beautiful. So natural, like she has no idea she is even being filmed.

Here's another great scene: Look at the way she walks to her car in this deserted parking lot, then turns suddenly, like she knows she's being followed. Such amazing instincts.

This scene's my favorite. Look how she sleeps. So calm. So peaceful. Like a little angel. Nothing can disturb her, not even the sound of someone opening up her closet and trying on all her clothes.

I've been working on this film for eight years now. It's about 356 hours long. Friends who have seen the whole thing tell me I should cut it down, but they don't know what they're talking about. I think it's perfect. Just like Hailey Duff.

Hand me that night vision lens. I think she's about to unlock the door.

Q: Can you claim gas and mileage for driving to jury duty?

A: We will reimburse reasonable expenses pertaining to jury service. Gas and mileage usually fall under the "reasonable expenses" umbrella.

Usually.

However, money spent on gas and mileage involving travel, not to and from your home to the courthouse, but rather, to the far corners of the state in search of clues in an effort to solve the case on your own, does not fall under said umbrella.

Furthermore, the court will not reimburse any sums paid out to witnesses to "get their story straight," nor any monies paid for procurement of brass knuckles needed to "give (witnesses) some help with their memory."

Additionally, wagering on the outcome of the case, especially by members of the jury, is expressly forbidden.

Consider this your final warning, Juror Seven. One more slip up and I will consider having you replaced by an alternate, or, at the very least, given a very uncomfortable chair for the remainder of the trial.