Q: What are the homeopathic uses of the crab apple fruit?

A: As far as I know, there are zero homeopathic uses.

There are, however, literally dozens of erotic uses.

I would be happy to show you, if you would be so kind as to put your car in park, roll down your window and stopping honking your horn and screaming for help. You are making a scene.

Q: What is it called when you fix a female cat?

A: Did the cat live?

Yes?

Yes!

In the field of self-taught, at-home, veterinary medicine, we call that a roaring success.

Let's have a drink. Trust me, you'll need it. We still have forty-six other cats in this bag.

Q: How do you congratulate the parents of the bride?

A: I find the best way is with a drunken, profanity laced toast.

Q: What is removed when using a fire extinguisher?

A: The ability to play hilarious, fire extinguisher related pranks in the future.

Q: How do you find out if you are a veteran?

A: Turn off all the lights. Lay down on your back. Relax. Close your eyes.

Do you hear gunfire? Screams? Helicopter blades?

Open your eyes. Look at your TV.

Is "Apocalypse Now" playing?

If not, you might just be a veteran.