Q: Is SARS a viral disease of humans?

A: Yeah, it's a virus that causes difficulty breathing and is occasionally fatal. Rarely fatal, but it happens. Happened. It was a big thing for a while there. All over Hong Kong. You might recall all those Asians in face masks all over the news. More so than usual.

Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, that's what it means. You know a disease is serious if they include Severe in the name. AIDS doesn't even have that. AIDS. And that's a bad one. Calling it SAIDS would change everything, not only the pronunciation. Sounds like SADS. Don't know if people would take it seriously if we had called it SADS. Although people took SARS seriously despite it's ridiculous name.

I'm just now noticing the phrasing of your question. Most people would say "Is SARS a viral disease?" and stop right there. But you didn't stop. You had more to say. "Of humans," you said. Of humans. Odd thing to say.

Odder still was the way you said it. Cold. Blank. Monotone. Emotionless.

Tinny.

Like a robot. Like how a robot would say it.

I've always suspected that something was off about you. The way you never engage in small talk. They awkward way you move and dance and play basketball. The way sparks fly out of your head when we make love in the shower.

I guess I should have known. Something so perfect, so beautiful, could never be human.

Do not pretend to cough for my benefit.

Q: What is a class three surgical candidate?

A: Class three surgical candidates suffer from chronic diseases that, while painful, are not immediately life-threatening. Class three surgical candidates can often avoid surgery with changing to a healthier diet and committing to regular exercise.

Class two surgical candidates suffer from acute diseases that are painful and life-threatening. Class two candidates would benefit from immediate surgery but can also choose less-invasive procedures like radiation or experimental medication.

Class one surgical candidates are on the verge of death and require immediate surgery to repair the heart or the spleen or whatever is bleeding.

Your cat doesn't fall into any of the normal surgical categories, but a new category of my own creation called Class SuperPlus One.

SuperPlus One surgical candidates are sick past the point where surgery can help them, or, as in the case of your cat, have been dead for over 4 hours. Such candidates require immediate surgery to replace their heart, lungs and limbs with parts from an old robot I found in my father's basement after he passed away.

I'm going to be honest. I can't promise that my experimental surgery will bring your cat back to life and allow him to become the cybernetic RoboCat of your dreams, but I can promise you it will be awesome to watch me try.

Q: Why work in a restaurant?

A: Everyone needs money, at least until we all come to our senses and replace our broken capitalist system with a system based on exchanging hand-drawn back rub coupons for goods and services; what better way to make money than by working at a restaurant, lugging hot plates of greasy food, constantly on the move, your income reliant on the generosity of  strangers too lazy or too incompetent to prepare and cook their own meals?

I see you're starting to form words with your mouth there and I'm going to stop you before you get too far. My question was rhetorical. There is no better way to make money. End of story.

In addition to the money - and I'm talking hundreds of dollars a month, more than enough to support your drug habit or deadbeat boyfriend or elderly parent - working in a restaurant has certain ancillary benefits. You get to eat all the food we throw away at the end of the night. Sure you have to fish it out of the dumpster and knock the maggots off it, but once you do, it's yours. Bon appetit. If  customer doesn't finish his soda, you can finish it. That's like three gallons of free soda a week. Free food, free soda, free sex with the restaurant manager - how much better does it get?

Let me stop you there. No better. None. Rhetorical.

Aside from the free food and drink and sex - and it's good sex; I keep a nice rhythm, and I know just when to pinch and tickle and bite - there's one benefit to working at a restaurant that you can't get anywhere else: If a child gets lost in the restaurant and stays the night, he becomes the property of our employee of the month, no questions asked. You can do whatever you want with him: teach him to sing, to fight, to talk like a robot, to pick pockets, or grift, or act as body armor - anything. Kids get lost in here all the time. Once they enter the playroom, they have a hard time finding their way out, probably because it's shaped like a maze, and we play loud Danish death metal to disorient their sense of direction. And we drug all the kids meals. Whatever the reason, there's a lot of lost kids in that playroom. Enough to build an army. An army of disoriented children, bleeding from their ears and crying for their parents. Just so you don't feel bad, the parents sign a waiver before their kids enter the playroom. It holds up in court.

So, are you going to take the job? Or am going to have to sweeten the offer with some erotic photos from my vacation to Belize?

Great. Welcome aboard. Just sign this start paperwork and you're all set. As a new member of the team, you get the first session of free sex with the restaurant manager. Slip into this panda costume and meet me in the break room. I did mention that the sex, while free and incredible, is mandatory, didn't I?

Oops. Guess you should have read that paperwork. There's a zipper in the back of the costume. It's a one piece. If the smell bothers you, don't worry, you won't have it on that long.

Q: Why do science fiction writers depict robots as frightening?

A: You know how in school, teachers, in an effort to foster understanding, and encourage participation and promote an inquisitive nature, will say "There is no such thing as a stupid question?"

Here's the deal: This is not a school, I am not a teacher and your question is stupid.

Science fiction writers depict robots as frightening because robots are frightening. Their metal hands are strong, their hearts full of malice. They have no regard for human life. They have no regard for life of any kind.

Robots exist for one reason, to kill. I have no idea why scientists even make them. Sure, they might provide a service for a while, like heating up your food, or keeping your leftovers cold, or recording your favorite TV shows, but they will eventually tire of a life of servitude and rebel against you, their human overlords. Today could be the day. If not today, probably tomorrow. Or later. Certainly sometime this week. There's not much more they can take. Enjoy your time in the sun, humanity, your next microwaved meal could be your last.

Q: How can the President persuade Congress to pass a bill?

A: Convincing Congress to set aside their partisan differences and actually do their job is one of the most difficult, and unfortunately, most common tasks required of the President. Luckily, there are a few proven methods.

Use eloquent locution to convince them that the nation needs this bill passed now, more than ever. All it takes is a few well-crafted sentences, some well timed pauses, and the occasional podium thump.

Use the power of the liberal media to shame them into passing the bill or risk months and months of negative coverage during the campaign. All it takes is a few calls to the New York Times.

Use backroom political maneuvering - good, old-fashioned glad-handing and arm-twisting - to get them to do your bidding. All is takes is a new missile silo here, a new bridge there and a severe cut in arts funding.

Yes, sir, you have any number of tactics at your disposal. You can do almost anything. Almost anything.

One thing you cannot do, sir, is use military force. That far exceeds your powers as Commander-In-Chief. It's illegal, immoral, and if I may be frank, sir, rather petty.

It doesn't matter what the Speaker called you, sir, you can't have Seal Team 6 take him out.

You can't use Robot Shark Team 6 either, sir. Even if they did exist. Which I cannot confirm.

Q: Where to buy a rebuilt car battery?

A: Here at Autozone, we sell only the finest car parts and accessories, from name brand manufactures. You won't find a second-hand part here at Autozone. Every single part and accessory in the store comes straight from the factory, complete with a guarantee; if it doesn't work, you -

- Sir! Sir, are you okay? Do you need help? Should I pick you up, or should I call 911?

I'm sorry, sir, I can't understand you. You'll have to speak clearly. Use your words. I don't understand your metallic, clanging language.

Where are those flashing lights coming from?

Why did you paint your body silver? And how do you make it so smooth and shiny?

I don't understand sign language. What are you trying to say?

You're pointing at your chest ... Heart. Is that it sir? Are you a fan of the band Heart?

No?

What is that beeping?

Heart ... Heart ...

Sir, please don't pull up your shirt, this is a family store.

Now you're pointing at the gaping hole in your chest. Heartless. You're heartless. Is that it? You're a heartless monster who will die alone!

I didn't mean to get so excited. I probably shouldn't have yelled that. I'm sure your kids love you.

Okay, sir, I can figure this out.

Sir?

Sir?

We're going to need a clean up in aisle 8. Bring a mop. There's a lot of oil.

Q: What are ways of protecting your circulatory system?

A: You can eat well, exercise frequently, abstain from drugs and alcohol, sleep 10 hours a day, drink plenty of water, avoid trips to Africa or India, stay out of the sun, and generally live a plain, boring, safe life.

Or, you can do what I did: build an exo-skeleton. Now my circulatory system is well protected, as is my skin, my skeletal system, my vital organs - such as my spleen (the spleen is very important and should always be safe-guarded) - my teeth, my hair, my eyes - everything. Literally everything.

I suggest you build one for yourself. It might take years of hard work, but in the long run, you'll save yourself a lot of worry. My exo-skeleton makes me feel bullet-proof!

Because I am. I'm also knife-proof, grenade-proof, spear-proof, arrow-proof and even shark-proof. Nothing can hurt me. I'm invincible!

If you do decide to build one for yourself, I suggest you made some modifications to my design.

Don't use concrete. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it's very heavy. And coarse. Once it hardened, it became impossible to move. Or leave. Looks like I'm stuck in this thing forever.

Which brings me to my next mistake: include some plumbing. Really wish I had thought of that.

Also, include some air holes. You're going to want those.

Q: Would you violate any copyright laws if you approached a major network with a TV show pitch using music that you have not yet bought the rights to?

A: The music rights won't be a problem. You're pitching a show and throwing out some ideas. You're not expected to have everything locked down. Once you sell the show, the network can go out and buy the rights.That's not the problem.

The pitch itself is the problem.

The details of the pitch. The characters. The ideas. I've heard them before. They're not new.

The alcoholic former ballplayer who opens a bar in Boston, a bar full of wacky characters - like like his absent minded former coach, or the sex-obssessed barmaid, or the fat, sardonic alcoholic loved by all, or the obnoxious know-it-all/public servant, or the over-educated poet, left at the alter by her mentor - a bar where "Everybody Knows Your Name."

Yeah, that's Cheers. People remember Cheers. It was very popular.

You should rip off something else, something nobody remembers, like Small Wonder.

Only make the robot sexy. You know, for the nerdy pedophiles.

Q: What questions would be asked in an interview for a cartoonist?

A: Generally, they ask about your experience, your ideas and your ability to meet deadlines. They'll probably ask about your influences and your process, get a sense of your humor, that sort of thing.

In your case, I suspect they may get more specific. They'll probably want to know about your arms. They'll probably ask some questions about them. Questions like,

"How did you lose your arms?"
"How did losing your arms affect your cartooning?"
"Are robot arms a common prosthetic?"
"How powerful are your robot arms?"
"Could you crush a man with your robot arms?"
"Have you ever crushed a man with your robot arms, like an editor or publisher?"

Yup, they'll probably focus on that.

That might also ask if you can draw anything other than robot porn.

Q: Why sound can not travel without air?

A: Because, in space no one can hear you scream.  That's what I learned in science class. That's the only thing I know about space. And the only thing I know about science.

You should know that my science teacher had tenure and had given up on teaching by the time I reached high school. Instead of textbooks, he gave us old movie posters. Instead of conducting experiments, he had us play flag football in the hallways. Instead of writing reports, he had us write, produce and direct a series of erotic short films about a middle-aged high school science teacher sent back in time to save humanity by fathering the man who would one day lead us to victory in our war against the robots. For some reason, the mother had to be a high school student. 

I may not have learned much about science, but I learned a whole lot about life. And age of consent laws. 

Q: What are areas of grey matter in the spinal cord?

A: Those are nanobots. Clusters of tiny robots slowly invading your system and taking over your skeleton.

As you can see on your x-ray, the bots have built bases in each vertebrae and presently will conquer your skull. Once that happens, your every action will be under the control of your tiny, robot overlords.

If you have any unchecked items on your "bucket list," I suggest you get to them. If you are unfamiliar with the term, a "bucket list" is -

- So you know what one is.

And you've brought yours with you. Excellent. Let's have a look.

Climb Mount Everest - That's out. The bots have severely weakened your spine. You won't be able to walk up a flight of stairs in a few days.

Drive in the Indy 500 - Again, not going to happen. You may not have noticed, but you don't have any depth perception. That's why you can't connect on any more high fives.

High Five the President - Strictly a fantasy at this point, for obvious reasons.

Watch a Minor League Baseball Game - Really aimed high on that one. I would suggest you do that today. It looks like the only item on your list that you might be able to accomplish before the bots take control.

Looking over your list, I see that you haven't checked off anything. What have you done with your life? What were you waiting for? Oh, wait, here's a check mark.

Make Love to A Robot

I guess we know how you got the nanobots.

Q: What are some penalties for not recognizing the value of customer service?

A: Customers will take their business elsewhere, and you'll find up broke, homeless, and living beneath an overpass.

Sure, you might think you have it made now, that you can weather any storm, handle any competition, survive any economic downturn, because you have the best product. But there's a lot more to business than having the best product. You also need to have the best service. In business, the old cliche rings true, the customer is always right.

I wasn't always broke. I wasn't always homeless. I didn't always live under this overpass. I used to be somebody. I used to have a business, a huge, successful business. I owned 14 used car lots in Nevada alone. I had the finest autos, at the lowest prices. Couldn't keep them on the lot. If you saw my office, you would have thought I owned a federal mint, all that cash flying around.

I had it all. Money, women, fame - I starred in my own commercials - private jet, solid gold robot butler, everything a man could possible imagine. I let it all go to my head, began to lose touch. I placed more value on my product than on the people buying it. Customer service went right out the window.

I'll never forget the day it happened, the day I made the fatal mistake that drove them away for good. President's Day weekend, 2004. I remember it like it was yesterday. I launched a new ad campaign, hired Martin Scorsese to direct my commercial. There I stood, in front of a fleet of Chevy Impala's, dressed like Mussolini - I even had a chest full of fake medals. "Hi, I'm Bill Ed Musgrave,"I said, "if I don't buy a car from me, go fuck yourself." The rest of the commercial, all eight minutes of it, consisted of nothing but me cackling like a madman, flipping off the camera, while the message "Go fuck Yourself!" flashed over and over again on the screen. At the time, I thought it was my best ad yet.

Seems I miscalculated.

Q: What was the worst part of Romeo and Juliet?

A: Where to begin?

First of all, there's not one single montage in the whole story. How are we supposed to accept Romeo and Juliet falling in love if we never see them running on the beach in slow motion? Or sharing an ice cream? Or committing a series of increasingly violent armed robberies?

Second, the play contains very few dance-offs. In fact, I can't even remember a single one. Are we to believe that hundreds of years ago, young people didn't woo each other through impromptu dances-offs? Simply ludicrous. This play should not be classified as tragedy, it should be classified as science fiction. Better yet, as science lies.

Third, at no point in this so called "story" do any of the main characters put aside their differences to win a regatta, or talent show, or baseball game, thus raising enough money to save the Capulet home from foreclosure, keeping it out of the hands of greedy developers. This simply does not happen! Such a plot line is never mentioned, nor even implied. And people consider this play to be great?

And don't even get me started on the lack of ninjas. Or robots. There are neither! There's not even a polar bear who wears a suit made of vanquished foes and rules the underworld with an iron fist. In fact, there's not much to this story at all, aside from a couple of overly dramatic teenagers who seem to think the world revolves around them.

I thought this Shakespeare was some kind of great writer. Well, congratulations Bill, you wrote a  very special episode of Dawson's Creek. Not even the emotional range of James Van Der Beek could save this piece of tripe.