Q: Is there a substitute for brandy when cooking?

A: There is no substitute for brandy in any part of life. Except a plastic bag full of bathtub gin made from apricots and raisins and pennies. I doubt you have that.

You do have that? Really?

Wow, I sure lucked out when it came to cell mates. You certainly do have everything. I'm sure you've heard this before, but you're kind of perfect.

If only you'd sleep on your stomach every once in a while.