Q: How far from a house do you have to be to shoot a gun?

A: That's an excellent question.

Now that I think about it, we should be father away than this. At this range, someone might hear us.

Let's go out a little more. Down by those trees.

By now, you can probably guess my answer to whether or not I will give allow you to marry my daughter.

You should probably start running now.

Q: What military leader did Abraham Lincoln choose to lead the Union forces in 1864?

A: Alexander the Great.

After his advisors informed him that Alexander the Great had been dead for centuries, Lincoln chose Genghis Khan.

Once he sobered up the next morning, he settled on Ulysses S. Grant

Q: What misunderstanding did Saddam Hussein have about the US military and the nature of the possible invasion?

A: That once we found no evidence of weapons of mass destruction, we would peacefully leave Iraq and admit that we had made a mistake.

Q: How do relative sizes of the sheep and human cerebral hemispheres differ?

A: Human brains are much bigger. Sheep brains are smaller. They make better decorations and paper weights.

They are both equally delicious. 

Q: How long is flight from Houston TX to Panama City Florida?

A: Let's be honest here. You don't want to go to Panama City. There's nothing for you there.

I know you have visions in your head of nubile, college girls running around, exposing themselves and fellating everything in sight.

Those visions are lies.

Your brain is a liar. It cannot be trusted.  I'm not sure why you haven't figured this out before.

The girls there won't even talk to you, let alone fellate you. All you're going to do is make them uncomfortable.

You're not going to have any fun in Panama City.

So why even go there? Why are we evening going to bother?

You know you will have fun? That clearing down there.

That place looks great. There's grass and rocks, and - hey is that a deer?

Why don't we just land there and forget all our plans about going to Panama City. Trust me, that clearing is worth it. I hear it's incredible.

Look, after we land in this clearing, and once the rescue teams finds us, there are going to be a lot of questions.

Specifically questions about why I landed this plane in a clearing in the middle of nowhere and not Panama City.

It's important that we tell the investigators the truth: that you wanted to land here and it was by choice. Not because I got drunk this morning and forgot to put enough fuel in the plane.

Are we clear?

Great. Now, hold on to something. We're almost there.