Q: What guy should you choose?

A: It's a sad fact of life that most men will break your heart. They can't help it, it's their nature. They're hunters, hardwired for centuries to seek the most desirable mate, no matter the situation, no matter their relationship status, no matter how crazy the potential mate might be.

You want a guy who's not like that, a man too lazy to hunt, too self-conscious to approach new mates, too insecure to put a fight when you demand he change, too afraid to question your actions, too timid to stand up to you when you abuse him, too self-involved to realize that you have been cheating on him and spending his money on lavish affairs with your multiple beaus, too slow to outrun the police should you get into trouble, too loyal to ever testify against you, too trusting to predict your eventual betrayal, too sad to do much more than cry once you break his heart.

Find a man like that and he'll keep you entertained until you find someone better.

The Fake Answers he writes will be an added bonus.

Q: How do horses greet one another?

A: First they circle around each other, shy at first, then bolder. They move closer, exchange a whinny, a nod of the head, a flick of the tail. Soon, they're rubbing their necks against each other, smelling hair, making friends. Once they've established a level of comfort, the guys who make up the back of the horses get out and shake hands. Then they all stand around, cool off, and bitch about picking such stupid costumes.

I should have mentioned this before, but all my experiences with horses have been at Halloween parties. I assume real horses act the same way. There's probably less drinking.

Q: Is it safe to mix gasoline with Dawn detergent?

A: Absolutely. I've been mixing gasoline and Dawn detergent for years and I've never had a problem. Unless you consider sparkling clean whites a problem, and you shouldn't, because it's not. Nope, no problems at all.

Although, now that I think about it, my father spontaneously combusted  moments after donning a freshlylaundered sweat suit. One minute he's enjoying his traditional pre-jog cigarette, the next he's on fire, running and flailing and screaming. Those screams. Oh, those screams. I've never heard a man scream like that before.

Except for when my grandfather died. He screamed, too. The most horrible, awful screams.  Can't say I blame him, being on fire like that can't exactly feel like a hug. Come to think of it, he was wearing a bath robe fresh from the wash - he hated dry clothes - when he burst into flames.

My uncle also died in a laundry related fire. He wasn't wearing anything, he was just standing by the washing machine, cooking a grilled cheese on his hot plate, when he exploded, along with the washing machine and the hot plate.

Looking back, every death in my family has been the result of spontaneous combustion, and my blend of Dawn detergent and gasoline was involved every time. I'm beginning to notice a patter here.

I think that Dawn detergent's a killer. Better start mixing my gasoline with Tide.