Q: Please list all signs and symptoms associated with tiredness and sleep deprivation?

A: Irritability.
Joint and muscle pain.
Lack of concentration
Inappropriate workplace attire.
Grogginess.
Headache.
Inability to make witty comebacks when mocked about mismatched socks.
Fatigue.
Floor seems comfortable.
Receptionist more bitchy than usual.
Loss of focus
Lack of concentration.
Woody.
Norm.
Cliff.
Frasier.
Sam.
Rebecca.
Carla.
Dry mouth.
Loss of appetite.
Sudden interest in ShamWow.
Lack of concentration.
Lack of concentration.
Inability to finish thoug

Q: Is making out really as good as people say it is?

A: Making out is better than people say it is!

I'm assuming they are saying positive things.

Making out is incredible. It's the best thing a boy and a girl can do with each other.

Other than actually having sex.

Or having oral sex.

Or heavy petting.

Or dry humping.

But, other than that, it's the best.

So, are we going to make out?

You should decide soon. I'll have to make another stop soon, and once the bus starts filling up with kids, we won't have all this privacy.

Q: How do you call a friend that threw her problems on you?

A: That really depends on the nature of the problems.

If the problems are emotional, such as relationship drama, or financial difficulties,  simply take a deep breath, count to ten and realize that you are not responsible for your friend's emotional well being. Calmly offer your friend any advice you may have, but make sure you set proper boundaries. If you friend really cares about you, she will remain your friend. If she doesn't care, and she's only using you as an emotional crutch at her convenience, then you are better off without her.

If the problem is physical, such as the body of dead lover, or drifter your friend mowed down with her car while drunk driving, you have to start moving quick. You're in it now! By catching the body when she threw it, you became an accomplice. Your fingerprints are probably all over him, so you had better start helping. Again, take a deep breath and count to ten. Remember, there is a simple solution here: No body, no crime. You will need a hacksaw, and a vat of hydrochloric acid. Once you dismember the body, you can dissolve it  in the acid. Then, you'll have to help your friend come up with an alibi.

What do you mean you don't have a hacksaw?

What kind of a friend are you?

Q: Why might people want to live near water?

A: Sharks live in the water. Sharks. The most beautiful, spectacular creatures on Earth.

Who wouldn't want to gaze into their cold, black eyes all day long. Who wouldn't want to see their enormous terrifying smiles, full of row after row of razor-sharp teeth, each and every day of their life?

Who wouldn't want to nestle up against their wet, rough skin, and feel safe, and fall asleep for days?

Who wouldn't fall in love with a shark, and give it special treatment, and prominent placement in the aquarium, and provide it with the best chum and homeless people available? Who wouldn't do anything to be with a shark, to show a shark he loved it, even if it meant losing his job as a marine biologist?

Oh.

Really?

Just me?

Yeah, I guess humans and sharks really aren't meant to be together. I kind of realized that that one time I had sex with a shark. That was terrifying.

I learned a valuable lesson having sex with a shark: Never have sex with a shark.

As much as you may love a shark, it will never love you back. It's just a shark. It doesn't have feelings like you or me.

But it does have dozens and dozens of enormous teeth that will cut you to ribbons if you are not careful.

I guess people live near the water for other reasons, too, not only because they love sharks.

Some people love scallops.

Have you ever fucked a scallop?

Now that's a good time.

Q: What are bad things that can happen to you while mining?

A: Well, you can get the black lung. That's a big one. That'll kill you.

You can also hit your head, or hurt your back. Mining's pretty grueling work.

There's also the more existenisal concerns, like, "Am I meant to me a miner? Am I following my true path in life? Am I only doing this because my father was a miner, and my grandfather was a miner, and my great-grandfather dug an underground tunnel to hide from authorities for twelve years? Is this really what I want to do?"

Black lung and a broken back might kill, but they'll never be as painful as that morning when you wake up, look in the mirror after twenty-four years of mining, and realize that you hate mining, that you always wanted to dance. That's all you've ever wanted to do, just dance.

Yup, that was the worst day of my life.

Until today.

I forgot to mention cave-ins.

Those are the worst. Far worse than I ever imagined. And being a miner, you think about cave-ins a lot.

Yup, a cave in is the worst thing that can happen to a miner. By far.

On the bright side, I can't feel my legs. Or see them.

For all I know, they could be somewhere under all this rubble, dancing up a storm.

Oh, wait. There they are.

How did they get over there?

They don't look like they'll be dancing anytime soon.