Q: What is a way you can end an essay with your conclusion?

A: A writer of an essay has many possible conclusions at his disposal.

He could end with a question, giving the reader something to think about. He could end with a quotation from a famous author that sums up his essay and brings everything together. He could end the essay with the same sentence he used at the start, to bring everything full circle. He could end with a personal anecdote that clearly expresses the themes of his essay. Any of these techniques would have been more acceptable.

But you chose to go a different route and end your essay with a picture of your engorged genitals with the captain, "Prime real estate available!" Your conclusion is unacceptable and I will not be able to award you a passing grade.

I will, however, take you up on your real estate offer. Are there rentals available, or must I buy? And can I bring friends?

Q: What does the idiom just a hair off mean?

A: Usually, it means "Very close" as in, "a hair's width," as in, "you missed your target ever so sightly, but you shouldn't beat yourself up; in fact, you should feel proud for even trying."

But I meant it differently.

When you asked if you had successfully hit the target and I shook my head and raised my hand in front of face, holding my index and middle fingers an inch apart, and I looked at you through the space between my fingers and I said, "You were just a hair off," I was being sarcastic. That's why General McCloskey laughed, and why General Bailey laughed, and why President Percival laughed and then began to cry. Because I was being sarcastic. Because I meant the exact opposite.

Your mission was to bomb Damascus, in Syria. You bombed Cincinnati, in Ohio.

Soldier, you cost us a swing state.

Q: Who owns the phantom of the opera original mask?

A: The famous mask, as worn by Lon Chaney in the 1927 film Phantom of the Opera, has been part of my collection for over thirty years. It was the second piece of movie history I purchased, after the famous wheelchair used by Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window. Over the years, I've added more and more trinkets to my collection, such as the bedouin scarf worn by Peter O'Toole in Lawrence of Arabia, and the sled from Citizen Kane. None of these trophies compare to my prized possesion over there.

What do you think that is?

Wrong. That's what everyone guesses. They think it's the mold of Han Solo in carbonite from The Empire Strikes Back. Ever since I was a child, I wanted it more than anything, turns out George Lucas had it destroyed during a benefit for wealthy fat children in 1994, Fudgecon '94. Since the prop no longer existed, I had to make it myself. What you see there is Harrison Ford encased in carbonite. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't cheap, but it was worth it.

That's what I always told myself, until I saw the last Indiana Jones movie. Now I regret my decision and I want that impostor dead.