Q: Is it okay to sleep with your boyfriend?

A: That's kind of a tricky question.

One on hand, we have been dating for a while now. And he really loves me. He tells me all the time. And he's really nice and sweet and caring. He's always taking me to fancy restaurants and buying me nice things and flying me all over the world.

On the other hand, all his lavish spending has left him nearly bankrupt. This may sound kind of shallow, but I can't be with a man who's not fabulously wealthy. It's just how I was brought up.

Sooooo .... Yeah, you can fuck him. Just tell me when so I can walk in and act all shocked and heartbroken. He'll feel so bad he'll do anything to make it up to me, no matter what it costs. No matter how he has to get the money. He might even sell a kidney.

I've never had anyone sell a kidney for me.

That's so romantic.

Q: What are the qualifications for an assemblymen or women?

A: I believe, and I think my opponent would agree with me, that the most important qualification is experience.

Real world experience. Not political experience.

Life experience.

Experience doing things. Experience building things. That's what matters. Not experience living off the taxpayers and making laws and making false promises.

Experience.

Now, you're going to hear my opponent use a lot of big words tonight. You're going to hear her say things like "diabolical" and "meglomaniacal" and "super-villain."

Now, I admit, I have some made some mistakes in my life. I did things I shouldn't have. But what young man or woman hasn't?

Who among us can say, can honestly say, that they did everything right? That they never said the wrong thing? That they never did the wrong things? That they never acted selfishly? That they never held the city hostage by threatening to poison the water supply?

We all make mistakes. Mine have just been more public.

Sure, some of you might say that I bring it on myself, by wearing this mask, and this costume, and traveling in this giant, robotic ape.

Pardon me if I have a flair for the dramatic. Pardon me if I am proud of my accomplishments.

I built this giant, robotic ape with my own hands,with my own design. I've been doing things like this, building things like this, for my entire life.

Building things. Doing things. In the real world.

In a word, experience.

When you go to the polls next week, vote for experience. Vote for Dr. Nitro.

Yes, I many have been a super-villain.

But at least I was super at something.

If only my opponent could say the same.

Q: Is Robert Duvall alive?

A: Yes.

This is a wax museum. Not a memorial.

That is a statue of Robert Duvall. A wax statute. That is not the corpse of Robert Duvall, stuffed and mounted.

If this was a memorial. If that was the corpse of Robert Duvall, we probably would have dressed him in the costume of Tom Hagan, or Col. Kilgore. Or his character from Tender Mercies.

Not as Boo Radley.

But since this is not a memorial, and is a wax museum, specifically a To Kill a Mockingbird wax museum, he's dressed up like Boo Radley.

I understand that your father worshiped the The Great Santini. I understand he based his life, and theories of parenting, on tha movie. I understand that caused you a lot of hardship growing up. That is not Robert Duvall's fault. It's certainly not the fault of a wax replica of Robert Duvall, dressed as Boo Radley.

Please stop hitting the statue.

Q: What is the value of a Smith and Wesson Silver plated Model 2 revolver?

A: I have no idea. This is a bank, not a gun store.

One hundred thousand dollars? There's no way it's worth that much. That's pretty much all the money we have in the vault.

Oh, I get it now.

Aren't you a clever one?

I'm still not going to open the vault. That gun's probably not even loaded.

Wait -



I wish I hadn't said that.

Wow. This really hurts. They don't make it seem like it hurts this much in the movies.

Oh boy.

I'm going to lie down for a bit.

And take a little nap.

And go toward that white light.

Grandma?

Q: When do you have to separate brother and sister rabbits to avoid pregnancy?

A: There are some telltale signs of impending incest.

First, the brother and sister will start spending a lot of time together. They'll look at each other in a certain way, a way that makes your stomach knot up and sends a chill down your spine.

Soon, the brother and sister rabbit will play only with each, and their play will become increasing rough.

Eventually, you won't see the brother and sister rabbit around much anymore. They'll be off on their own, "playing."

When you investigate their playsite, you'll find nothing empty cans of carrot juice and copies of Doing it Like Bunnies magazine scattered everywhere.

That's when you know that your worst fears have been realized.

On the plus side, matings between siblings produce an abundance of offspring.

Sure they can't hop straight, and their ears point in the wrong direction and their eyes are on the same side of their face, but there's so many, I'm practically giving them away.

How many would you like?