Thursday, December 9, 2010

Q: Did president Wilson lead the US into war anxiously?

A: He lead the country into World War I with unwavering confidence and unstoppable belief in his righteousness, all from the safety of the White House.

The soldiers sent to Europe to fight the war, however, were incredibly anxious.

Q: Why was it unfair for every colony to have one vote?

A: The people of New England were far wiser and more sophisticated than their Southern brethren. Luckily, they worked out their differences during the Civil War and the country has lived in perfect harmony ever since.

Q: What limits should be established prior to every scuba dive?

A: How deep we are going to go.

How much treasure we will try to salvage.

How many times we're going to pinch Jim's line so he starts to freak out and makes that face.

Q: What are editorial?

A: They are the people who decide what stories and columns appear in the paper everyday.

They are the people who control your fate and shape your destiny.

They are your bosses, the people you answer to. The people you need to please.

They are also the people you just mowed down with that machine gun.

I understand you're going through a lot right now, what with all those voices in your head and all that blood coming out of your ears, but I need you to pull yourself together for a moment and listen.

You should really starting putting together a new resume ASAP.

And you really shouldn't lead with the phrase "Real good with machine gun."

Come on, Tom, you're better than that.

Q: Do you use your cell phone at inappropriate times?

A: Define inappropriate.

Would an inappropriate time be when you are on a crowded bus and you get a call from a loved one who has lost their home in a fire and needs help?

Would it be inappropriate to place a call during your daughter's dance recital because you left her costume and home and you need your husband to pick it up?

Would it be inappropriate to use your cell phone during a funeral, even though the eulogy has been going on for over an hour and you barely knew the deceased and really didn't care for him and length of the service looks like it will interfere with your dinner date?

It would?

Oh, that explains why everyone is hissing and giving me dirty looks.

I'll take this call outside.

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook