Q: Do koalas live only in Australia?

A: That's what most people think. Most people are wrong.

You see, koalas are native to Australia, but they can live anywhere, provided they have proper habitat, safety from predators and steady supply of eucalyptus leaves. They can even live comfortably in a portable cage, like the one I have here. Most people don't know that. I like to educate.

Most people think that koalas spend their time getting high on eucalyptus leaves and sleeping twenty-three hours a day. Most people are wrong.

Sure, koalas tend to live that lifestyle, but they can adapt, they can change, they can sleep one hour a day and spend the rest of their time alert, gnawing on eucalyptus and ready to strike. It helps to lace the leaves with amphetamines. It helps to keep the cage cramped.

Most people think that koalas are cute and cuddly; adorable animals safe to keep as pets. Most people are wrong.

Koalas are bears. Like all bears, they are by nature vicious, mean, aggressive and fiercely protective of their young. Like all bears, they hate to be caged.

You're probably wondering why I'm telling you all this. Well, you see, my army of koalas think your toupee is their child. The lack of sleep makes them pretty suggestible.

You should probably sign that contract now. This cage is getting pretty heavy.