Q: What is that substance on the baby at delivery?

A: Frosting.

Vanilla frosting.

There was more of it until we licked the baby.

We were having a food fight in there.

Sometimes we get carried away.

We had no idea your wife was diabetic.

We thought she didn't enjoy our hijinks. If there's one thing we won't tolerate it's a stick in the mud.

I guess she had a valid reason for not wanting all that cake shoved down her throat.

Sorry about that.

Look on the bright side, you're still young.

And there's nothing chicks dig more than a single dad with a tragic story.

Now that I think about it, I probably shouldn't be saying "sorry." I should be saying "You're welcome."

You're welcome.

Q: What does clicking sound when trying to start indicate?

A: That's the sound of the shattered remains of your fibula grinding against your tibia.

That's why you can't get out of the starting blocks.

We seem to have miscalculated the amount of steriods and growth hormone needed to make you into the word's greatest sprinter. You won't be winning an Olympic gold this year. That's the bad news.

I do have good news. Your performance today guarantees you a place in the record books, under the category "Most Gruesome Leg Injury."

Move over, Theisman, there's a new gimp in town!

You'll appreciate the news more when you're no longer in shock.

Q: What does that mean if a guy is holding hands with his girlfriend but keeps looking at you until you look back?

A: He's waiting for you to pronounce them man and wife.

You should probably say something.

They've been standing there a while.

They're not going to magically disappear if you ignore them.

Staying still won't help. These are human beings, not T-Rexes.

This is why I don't like you taking mushrooms before work.

It's one thing before a mass, when no one's really paying attention, but people care about weddings.

Q: Why do wood floors feel warmer than ceramic tiles to bare feet?

A: Ceramic draws the heat away from your feet faster than wood.

Also, the house is on fire.

I told you you should have hired the A-Team to take care of that gang of arsonists holding us up for protection money.

But, no, they were too expensive. You had to find someone cheaper.

And who's cheaper than Encyclopedia Brown?

I hope the money you saved was worth it. Maybe our kids can buy us a nice casket.

Q: Is it bad to lift weights and then run?

A: Don't play dumb with me. You knew full well what you were doing.

Do you really expect this court to believe that  you broke into the vault under cover of night, slit the throats of two guards, disabled the security cameras, loaded all the gold you could carry into a heavy duty duffel bag, then took off running into the darkness, all for the exercise?

That you coveted the gold, not for it's value, but for it's weight?

That you did not commit theft, but only a violent and bizarre act of fitness?

Really?

I don't understand you kids today. Maybe it's time I retired from the bench.

Okay, new rule: whoever can rip this gavel from my hands gets to be the judge for the rest of the day.

However, if you try and fail, you will be sentenced to death.

Any takers?

No one?

You're all a bunch of cowards.