Q: Is it normal to be afraid to get into another relationship after your first heartbreak?

A: After getting your heart broken for the first time, you'll have a hard time trusting anyone. You'll be unwilling and unable to feel vulnerable, to open yourself up, or to even consider the possibility of falling in love.

You'll see each new relationship as a betrayal waiting to happen. Each potential mate as a someone who will eventually crush your spirit and break your heart. You won't even be able to enjoy dating; even the most casual cup of coffee will contain red flags and warning signs.

You're probably better off foregoing relationships altogether and embracing a life of wanton, sexual adventure with strangers, co-workers and causal acquaintances.

You might want to start with someone you know fairly well, someone you're comfortable talking to, someone who's handsome and charming and currently available.

Someone like me, your therapist.

As an added bonus, my copious notes about your traumatic sexual experiences will allow me to keep the sex just close enough to the danger zone to allow for maximum enjoyment without any long-term psychological scarring.

Unless you're interested in that sort of thing.

In which case I can dress up like your father.

Q: How do tattoos and piercings make you look unprofessional?

A: It's not that you have them, but what they say.

And where they are.

Some of them, some of the more vulgar ones, are located in areas that make our guests uncomfortable.

Areas like your face.

We all appreciate that you are a fan of oral sex. I mean, who isn't?

But, here at Denny's, we like to keep the world of food and the word of adventurous sexual activity separate. Call us old-fashioned, but that's how we operate.

When one of our customers digs in to one of our delicious, mouth water Meat Lover's Skillet, the only meat they should be thinking about going in their mouth is savory breakfast meat like bacon or sausage.

They should not be thinking about anything else.

Q: What is in a red eyed tree frogs habitat?

A: Despite what you older brother may have told you, their habitat consists of more than a leaf, a twig, an empty Jim Beam bottle and a copy of FHM from 2002.

First of all, I'm pretty sure red eyed tree frogs don't drink bourbon. They're probably pot heads. Hence the red eyes. Put a bong in there or something.

And I highly doubt they read FHM. They seem more like the Maxim type.

Plus, there should probably be dirt in there, or mud. Yes mud. If you don't have any mud, try chocolate ice cream. That's close enough.

You know what would really spruce up this habitat? A G.I. Joe.

Don't put a Crimson Guard in there. Give him a good one, like a Storm Shadow or Destro.

There. Now his home is really coming together.

Now for the final touch: a roll of quarters, so the frog can play poker with his friend.

Now, shake it all up and ...

Um, your frog's not moving.

Well, I got to go. The Post Office doesn't pay me to hang around with kids all day.

Despite my repeated requests.

Q: How do you lose a pound a day?

A: Diet and exercise may be effective, but they take a long time to work and involve a great deal of effort and discipline.

If you want to lose weight quickly and with literally no effort, I suggest you buy this vial right here. It contains a highly contagious, fast acting, flesh eating bacteria.

One sniff of this vial, and the pounds while melt away.

Literally.

Along with your liver, spleen, heart and lungs.

Most of that is water weight though.

Sure, it may cause death. I don't have the facts in front of me, but I know the mortality rate is pretty high, somewhere north of 80%. But, you know the old saying, "No risk, no reward."

It seems to me like you have a simple choice:

Do you want to be the fattest girl on the beach?

Or the sexiest corpse in the morgue?

Q: What is being done to eradicate poverty in Virginia?

A: A problem as serious and unsightly as poverty must be handled with a certain amount of discretion. To address the situation in broad daylight would certainly upset our fine citizens who would shudder at the sight of these poor wretches and perhaps lose all faith in our capitalist system.

We can't have that.

Thus, our decision to deal with this matter at night, under the cover of darkness, makes perfect sense. No one has to see these poor, miserable people with their rotten teeth, their awful hair cuts and their out of date clothes. Some of them still wear Zubaz, if you imagine that.

Plus, the darkness gives us ample opportunity to hide and sneak up on them. Unlike these sad, pathetic people, we have money and can afford the nicer things in life, such as night vision goggles and high powered sniper rifles.

Thanks to our clandestine efforts, we've been able to eradicate 500 hundred paupers over the last three months alone. We expect to eradicate a great deal more tonight. We set up a TV in that vacant lot over there. That really seems to draw them in.

I did say this was all off the record, right?