Monday, February 28, 2011

Q: Are visible veins hot?

A: Are they ever.

Check out that looker over there. The back of her thighs are practically purple. I can't even stand up right now, lest I scare the children with my giant erection.

And how about that doll over there. Look at those arms. So thin and veiny. She looks like she fell asleep in the sauna and had all the moisture sucked right out of her. I know something I can use to rehydrate.

Don't get me started on the blue hairs in the corner. I might not be able to control myself.

I assumed switching bodies with the old man who lived down the street would have some benefits, like getting out of school and being able to avoid bullies and having money, but I never imagined I'd be surrounded by all this  Grade-A talent.

Hand me that Vick's VapoRub. Poppa's gonna go make friends.

Q: What are the flavors of Skittles?

A: Strawberry, cherry, lime, copper, rust, toenail, pebble, baby teeth.

Those are the flavors in this bag.

I'm pretty sure these are Skittles.

The gentleman who sold them to me said as much.

They're probably a new brand.

Did I mention that the gentleman who sold me these new, wonderful, not yet available to the public Skittles wore a helmet made out of tin foil?

He's no doubt from the future, much like these delicious Skittles.

Make a note: In the future, don't eat Skittles.

Q: Is burning cheese a chemical reaction?

A: Burning Cheese is the name of my band, Dad. I've told you this dozens of times. I've invited you to my shows and played you my records and emailed you links to our reviews. We're kind of like the Dave Matthews Band, but with a tuba player, and a guy who breakdances. And another guy who pours Jolt on the guy who breakdances. I've explained all this to you before.

Chemical Reaction was the name of my short lived podcast about drug use. Despite it's popularity, it was quickly shut down, mostly due to protests about the content. Some of the local parents did not approve of my practice of conducting interviews with their pets while high. As if their pets never got high. I didn't even give them drugs. They were high when I found them.

If you'll recall, that's the same defense I used in court, right before I was sentenced to three years in prison for possession with intent and animal cruelty.

That's where I was for all that time. I was in prison. Not up in my room, listening to music and being sad.

I'd really appreciate it if you could play a more active role in my life, Dad. You never come to my shows. You never visited me in prison. You never support anything I do.

I'm kind of sick of your excuses.

I don't care that you've been dead for eight years. That doesn't stop you from going to Jasper's Intergalatic Spaceball games. And those things are all imaginary. Like Jasper.

Q: What is a penguins favorite color?

A: Judging by the way she flew into a rage once she saw that new dress, I can only assume that it's not yellow.

I've never seen a penguin so angry. Who knew they could get so bloodthirsty? And the way she kicked, like she had training or something.

Yup, penguins sure do hate the color yellow.

She didn't even seem to appreciate all the time and effort you put into designing the dress, dying the fabric, and sewing everything together by hand. Once she saw that yellow, Bam! She went after you like a gorilla protecting her young.

I guess that means the end for you two. Can't say I'm surprised. Most of us saw it coming. You two never did make much sense as a couple. You could barely communicate and you didn't seem to have much in common aside from a fear of Killer whales and a love of krill. You guys were pretty much doomed from the start.

You sure are one hard luck case when it comes to love.

Have you ever thought about dating human women, or does it always have to be penguins?

Q: How much federal money do Indiana schools get for each special needs student?

A: We get anywhere from $500 to $12,000 per year per student, depending on how "special" each student is considered to be. Unfortunately, most of our students are not "special" enough to receive any funding, resulting in our current budget crisis.

Basically, our students are just too damn smart.

I hope you understand why I had to drug them.

Luckily, they're very trusting.

Look at them, sitting there, so peaceful, eyes glazed over, drool dripping from their chin. With that many sedatives in their system, these leaders of tomorrow couldn't even spell their names, let alone ace a standardized test. We'll be a shoo in for that federal money now!

Quick, pass out these helmets and mouth guards, the people from the Department of Education are here.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Q: What does isolate mean in health and safety?

A: Oh, it's just a little term we use when we need to give someone a little ... quiet time, away from the other patients.

There's no need to be afraid. You just need a little ... time to unwind, before you can rejoin your friends.

Don't read into my pauses, or my facial expression. I look like this all the time. Even when I'm smiling, I look like I'm in a state of mortal terror. You should see my prom photos.

Quarantine? I didn't hear anyone say anything about quarantine. No. That's crazy talk. We just want you to hang out in your new, plastic room so you can get a chance to ... relax and take a moment for yourself.

HazMat suits? These aren't HazMat suits. These are astronaut costumes. We're having a costume party. Don't you remember?

That meteor that landed on your house sure did a number on your memory. Do you remember anything? Do you remember seeing the meteor glow? Or seeing anything crawl out of it? Or having anything burrow into your skin and lay eggs in your veins?

No reason. These are all standard questions. I'm sure you'll remember some more once we get you away from all these flashing lights and air raid sirens.

Now, how about you go into your little bubble, lie down, take some deep breaths - DON'T SCRATCH THAT!

Q: How is Brazil diversifying it's economy?

A: Brazil's economy will no longer rely exclusively on kidnapping tourists, children of wealthy businessmen, and families of professional athletes. Due to a drastic decrease in tourists, children worth ransom and professional athletes who let their families live in the country, the enterprising young men and women of Brazil have announced plans to kidnap anything that might hold even the slightest emotional attachment, such as pets, family photos, video game controllers and sandwiches.

Q: What vegetable can not be frozen?

A: Your grandmother!

Your grandmother.

Hello? Is this thing on?

Are you an audience or an oil painting?

This is ridiculous. I'm busting my ass up here and you guys are giving me nothing.

I'm through with this shit.

Next time you want someone to perform when you take a loved one off life support, call a mime.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Fake Answers About Real Presidents

Q: What party did Theodore Roosevelt and supporters make?

A: Roosevelt and his supporters formed the Bull Moose party in 1912. After failing to reclaim the Presidency, Roosevelt formed the Bull Moose Party Planning Company in 1913, which released 14 poorly received stag films over the next three years, before shutting it's doors due to an outbreak of "super-chlamydia.

Q: Did Herbert Hoover follow Franklin D. Roosevelt as president? 
A: Yes. For years, in a hot air balloon, until the Secret Service shot it down.

Q: How many letters did Abigail Adams send to john Adams?

A: Over the course of their time together, Abigal Adams sent her husband thousands of personal hand-written letters, as well as hundreds of chain letters, lewd drawings, truly tasteless jokes, pictures of cats with stuff on them, sketches of people who parked their horses poorly, inspirational quotations she overheard while dining alone, results from her fantasy Continental Congress league, word carvings of local merchants she fancied, and the severed thumbs of anyone who dared cross her.



Q:How do the president transfer his powers to the vice president temporarily? 
A: By shouting: "Executive Branch Powers, Activate!"

Q: What did Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton serve as members on?

A: Thomas Jefferson. Alexander Hamilton. Charter members of the League of Colonial Justice.

By day, they founded a nation.

By night, they donned masks and kept the streets safe for rich, white landowners.

Hamilton AKA The Treasurer, baffled foes with his mathematical prowess and incapacitated them with an arsenal of razor sharp currency.

Jefferson AKA The Statesman, overpowered evildoers with his powerful oratory and fierce convictions. He also carried a hammer, which he would use to beat people about the head.

Together, they formed a powerful crime fighting duo, thwarting a plots against the Colonies by English spies, protecting the wealth of a young nation,  and bedding attractive slaves by the hundreds. 

Q: What military leader did Abraham Lincoln choose to lead the Union forces in 1864

A: Alexander the Great.


After his advisors informed him that Alexander the Great had been dead for centuries, Lincoln chose Genghis Khan.

Once he sobered up the next morning, he settled on Ulysses S. Grant



Q: How is the president's salary determined? 
A: Every year, he goes into Fort Knox for one hour. Whatever he can carry out, he can keep.

Q: Did president Wilson lead the US into war anxiously?
A: He lead the country into World War I with unwavering confidence and unstoppable belief in his righteousness, all from the safety of the White House.

The soldiers sent to Europe to fight the war, however, were incredibly anxious.

Q: Why isn't George Washington our president anymore? 
A: A 1953 Supreme Court ruling prevents the long deceased from holding office.



Friday, February 18, 2011

Q: Why is it illegal to stalk?

A: Stalking, while technically legal, shows poor character and a lack of courage. If you like a girl, walk up to her, stand up straight, look her in the eye and ask her out. If she says no, she says no. Move on with your life.

You won't make the situation any better by stalking. You can follow her around from a safe distance all day, stand outside her window all night, break into her home while she's gone, try on all her clothes to get a sense of how she thinks, murder her friends and loved ones, one by one, until she has no one else to turn to, but if the chemistry's not there, it's not there. You can't force these things. Trust me, I know.

If I had a nickel for every girl I stalked, I'd be a goddamn millionaire.

I've just been handed a note by my bailiff. Hmmmm. Apparently stalking is illegal. Highly illegal.

You'll have to excuse me, this is my first day as a judge.

Probably my last day, too.

But, before they throw me out, let's schedule some hangings!

Q: How many cases of swine flu are there in Minnesota?

A: One month ago, we had zero cases.  Today, we have over twenty six thousand, and growing.

Every minute that goes by, another unsuspecting man comes down with this deadly disease.

There's no question what's behind this sudden outbreak.

Gentlemen, I hate to admit this, but it appears we made a terrible mistake when we legalized Swine Brothels.

Q: What it means when you see a green lizard on your pillow?

A: Might be a good time to give up drinking.

Or, to start drinking.

Really depends if the lizard is real or a hallucination.

Only one way to tell:

Give it a kiss.

Q: When did William Howard became president?

A: There has never been a President Howard.

Nor a President Fine.

Nor a President Batman.

I've been doing a little be of research. Grandpa. Turns out those "history" books you have been giving me are nothing more than old-fashioned comic books.

I don't think I need to remind you that President Palin outlawed comic books at the start of her third term.

I don't appreciate your lies.

I know which way I'll be voting at your death panel.

Q: What time of the day is an elephant active?

A: They're most active between the hours of noon and four. Before that, they sleep. After that, they sleep.

If you want to fight an elephant, I'd suggest coming back here around 2PM tomorrow.

If you want fight an elephant, and win, you might want to come before noon. They're pretty sound sleepers. You can do a lot of damage before they even realize they're in a fight.

But once they realize, you better be real good at fighting, or real good at running. If you choose to fight, get ready for the fight of your life. If you choose to run, get used to running forever.

Elephants don't like when people disturb their slumber. Nothing gets them more mad. And they got a might short temper. And a mighty long memory.

You know the old saying, "An elephant never forgets to punish those who cross him."

Yeah, most people only know the shorter saying. The man who populated it was eaten mid-sentence by an elephant.

Most people don't know that.

Most people weren't there to see it happen.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Q: Who is the patron saint of socializing?

A: You can't have a party without St. Ides, the patron saint of socializing.

Whenever I crack open an ice-cold 40-ounce bottle of St. Ides and take a few sips, I find myself making all kinds of friends, from all walks of life, in no time flat.

With St. Ides on my side, everybody is my friend: sailors, dancers, bouncers, drug dealers, ATMs, cops, pink scorpions that live in my shoes, streetlights, tin cans - I'm never alone when St. Ides is around.

When St, Ides goes away, leaving me all alone, in the gutter, covered in my won filth, I don't remember anything about my new friends. I couldn't tell you one thing about them. Which means I get to go out again and meet them all again.

Everybody's a new friend when you're living life like St. Ides!

Q: Does a urine drug test reveal the age or gender of the sample?

A: No, the test only reveals the amount of drugs in your system.

A simple sniff test, however, reveals that you just handed me a container of Mountain Dew.

Either you knew you would fail the drug test and filled the container with soda, or you have serious kidney problems and should probably seek immediate medical help.

Regardless, we don't think you're the right choice for the role of Grimace at our son's birthday party.

You can take the suit off now.

That's not a suit?

Seriously, go see a doctor.

Q: How to get rid of belly fat?

A: I don't know -  a knife? Some scissors? A sharp rock? It really doesn't matter how you remove it, or where it comes from, as long as it's in my hand in five minutes and it weighs one pound.

Maybe next time you'll think twice before asking me for a loan, then wagering all the money on a mysterious karate match featuring the American National karate team, led by a man who looks suspiciously like Eric Roberts, that also included a man who's a dead ringer for Chris Penn. Pardon the pun.

After you heal up,  you might want to rent an eye-opening movie called Best of the Best.

Q: How much does the worlds cheapest car cost?

A: This car right here costs $85. You'll never find a car cheaper than that.

We saved money by making the car out of cardboard, and we passed the savings on to you!

Those tires aren't drawn on with crayon. They're real tires.

No, you can't touch them. You'll have to trust me.

You'll also have to trust me that the car runs. I can't let you see the other side of the cardboard, I mean get behind the wheel until I have cash in hand. With a car this cheap, I can't afford a test drive.

$85, take it or leave it. This is a one time offer.

I suggest you take it. The police seem to have found your abandoned getaway car. Now they're pointing over here.

Should I wave to them, or will you be taking this fake car and running away?

Q: How the COW is useful?

A: The COW can be used to:

 - Provide enough milk to feed 24 babies for 8 weeks.

 - Predict weather patterns.

 - Entertain drunken frat boys.

 - Provide sexual release for lonely farmers.

 - Destroy a small village in seconds.

 - Survive a nuclear explosion.

 - Provide air support to our troops on the ground.

We've come a long way in the development of the Cybornetic bOvine Weapon, or COW.

We chose to capitalize the "O" in bovine instead of the "B" for obvious reasons.

You can thank Sanchez for that. He's something of a whiz when it comes to acronyms.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Q: Does the earth rotate or orbit around the sun?

A: The Earth stays perfect still, at the center of the universe, and the sun revolves around it.

Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

I've been studying astronomy since the day I could read. I've read everything on the subject; every major text, every discredited theory, every random, half-baked theory that someone jotted down on a piece of parchment.

I've read it all, in order, to better understand the context. I'm up to the year 1512. I highly doubt much has changed since then.

Q: How machine gun works?

A: You point that end at the person or animal you want to scare or kill, and you pull that little guy right there. You don't even need to pull it more than once, or even aim. Just keep squeezing that sucker and move the gun all around.

Of course, to actually harm anything, you would need bullets, instead of blanks. I keep the bullets hidden, for obvious reasons. You won't know where the real bullets are until you calm down.

As a matter of fact, I don't want to discuss anything until you give me a chance to put some clothes on and calm down a bit myself. Your wife and I thought you would be out of town for a week. You can imagine how surprised we are to see you standing in the doorway gently sobbing, holding a machine gun full of fake bullets.

Although, from what your wife has told me, I'm not surprised to see your firing blanks.

Q: What would you study if you had good dreams sometimes and bad dreams sometimes?

A: When it comes to matter of the human mind, you can never go wrong with a good, long study of phrenology.

Are your bad dreams caused by an abnormal shaped alimentiveness? Or, do you suffered from chronic lack of amativeness? Are you blessed by a vast, shapely benevolence?

There's only way to be sure: by buying this phrenology textbook!

Are you sure you don't want one? They're only $49.95.

Okay. Since you seem like such a fine man, I'll give it to you for only $39.95.

$29.95?

Twenty bucks? Who doesn't have twenty bucks?

For the love of God, please buy one. I have 500 of them. I spent my life savings. I thought I'd found a goldmine. I had no idea phrenology had long been discredited.

Q: What does it mean if someone is theatrical?

A: When someone calls you theatrical, they mean you are dramatic, larger than life, your gestures and movements broad and exaggerated as if you are playing to the back of a crowded theatre. Calling someone "theatrical" would  be considered a wonderful compliment, especially if they are auditioning for a part in a stage musical, a farce or even a silent film.

This, however, is not an audition. This is a job interview. An unsuccessful job interview.

Perhaps you misunderstood our ad. We don't need someone to "play" the "role" of a kidnapper, we're looking for a kidnapper. Someone subtle. Someone who can remain invisible. Someone who will keep his cool under intense pressure. You can see why you wouldn't work out.

But I've said too much already.

We're going to have to shoot you now. Try not to make a big deal out of it.

Q: How have spacesuits changed over time?

A: They used to be a lot less revealing.

Times sure have changed.

Wasn't that long ago we didn't have any super model astronauts. Now we have dozens.

Then again, wasn't that long ago that Earth was destroyed by nuclear armageddon, forcing us to escape in this rocket ship and spend our remaining years searching the galaxy for a new home while trying to repopulate the species. But that's the hand we've been dealt.

Sooooo, why don't you slip into one of those spacesuits while I make us a couple drinks and put on some mood music?

Bring some friends.

For the good of the species.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Q: How do you find the base area of a box?

A: There are a million different theories about measuring a box, but I like to follow a simple rule my grandfather told me: You'll never know much about a box until you climb inside and take a look around.

Why don't you follow his advice?

How does it feel in there? Are you all comfy and cozy?

I'm going to close the lid to give you a better sense of the box. Your eyes can play tricks on you. In the darkness, fingers never lie.

Disregard the sound of ripping tape. It's completely unrelated.

I forgot to mention this before you climbed in there, but I noticed you lost weight. How much you weigh these days?

Great. How much is that in kilograms?

No reason.

Something fell on the box. It's not taped shut or anything. Something fell on top, something heavy enough to keep the flaps closed but light enough to not crush it. Don't worry, help is on the way.

Hey, listen, I'm going to have to take off. Good luck with your whole measuring-the-size-of-the-box-thing. I hope it's as successful as that time you made that video of me crying in the shower and sent it to everyone in the senior class.

Funny how I never got you back for that hilarious prank. Well, you know what they say about revenge being best served cold.

Speaking of cold, do you have any idea how expensive it is to ship a package to Siberia?

Q: Is rollerblading fun?

A: Of course it's fun. Look at the couple in this ad. They're laughing, smiling, out in the sun, enjoying life. Look at all the fun they're having. Why would this ad lie to you? What would it possibly have to gain? This ad doesn't know you, it's never met you, it has no idea how you are. It's merely a lovely picture of two beautiful people, enjoying a leisurely day of rollerblading, cast, produced and paid for by the American Rollerblade Corporation - clearly an unbiased third party, hoping to entertain the people of America.

I'm pretty sure Rollerblade is the name of the company. I believe it was started by a Mr. John Rollerblade. Dutch heritage, from my recollection.

Yes, they manufacture and distribute rollerblades. What company doesn't? They also happen to make a wide variety of other merchandise, such as helmets, elbow pads, wheels, spandex pants, tank tops and a series of blockbuster films about an international man of mystery named J.J. Rollerblade who travels the world, fighting crime by day, bedding super models by night, fighting crime again later at night, all while competing in occasional high stakes rollerblade races.

They really took a bath on those movies. They were the only films to receive a rating of "Mineral" on Rotten Tomatoes. Big embarrassment.

But enough about movies, did you want to rent these rollerblades? Or are you content on leading a sad, pathetic, loveless existence?

Really?

Are you sure?

At this point, I have to believe that you don't understand the ad at all.

Q: Why do people compliment my younger sister more than me we are both pretty?

A: Yes, you are pretty. So very pretty. You're also bright, sensitive, creative, kind, understanding, patience and caring. You're such a wonderful being, with so many endearing qualities.

One quality you don't possess, however, is self awareness.

You have no idea that you're a ghost.

That's why no one gives you any compliments.

In fact, that's why no one has spoken to you in six years.

Except for your sister. But she's crazy, which only seems to make her more appealing.

Q: When would you need a forensic scientists?

A: When the work becomes too technical for us regular detectives. When we need to find some DNA on a piece of chew bubblegum we find on the nightstand of a dead gigalo. When we need to determine what blood belongs to which corpse after a chainsaw party. When we need to identify a kidnapper based on nothing more than a boot print and a Pez dispenser.

Sometimes we need a forensic scientist to solve one of the more important case, like WHO KEEPS EATING MY SANDWICHES?

Seriously, guys, it's not funny anymore. That's the ninth one this month. I swear to God, once Dr. Goodwin tells me who did this, I will shoot the culprit in the face. I'm not kidding. They can suspend me, fire me, send me to jail for life. Hell, put me in the chair. I don't care, I have nothing left. 

That sandwich was all I had. I've never loved a human being as much as I loved that sandwich. If it were legal for a man to marry a sandwich, I would have done it. Judge me all you want. I just want to be happy.

Hold on, Doc Goodwin's calling. I can't wait to see what he says.

Hey, Doc.

What's that.

I see.

Well, thanks for the work. Uh, if you don't mind keeping this under your hat, I'd really appreciate it.

It seems I owe some of you folks an apology. According to the DNA results, I am the one who ate that sandwich.

I guess this solves the riddle of who's been drinking all my scotch.

Q: Can technology have positive affects on kids?

A: I don't think it can have an affect other than positive.

Before technology, my kids were losers. They looked like losers. They thought like losers. Most importantly, they fought like losers.

They were nothing more than a puddle of broken bones, tears and excuses.

Losers, through and through.

Then I discovered technology. Now my kids are winners. They look like winners. They think like winners. You better believe they fight like winners.

Thanks to their titanium reinforced skeletons, their cybernetically enhanced reflexes and the small missle launchers implanted on their arms, my kids haven't lost a fight in month. They're the kings of the playground. They get all the lunch money.

Other parents may complain, but that doesn't bother me.  Losers complain. I know. I used to be one.

Now, I'm a winner, just like my kids.

All thanks to technology.

As well as my bank's generous lending policy.

Monday, February 14, 2011

WikiFakeAnswers Valentine's Day Fake Guide to Real Love


Q: Why are girls more talkative? 
A: Because guys just love to listen. To anything. At anytime. Especially right as they are falling asleep.

Q: How do you know if a guy likes you or just wants to be buds?
A: If a man is interested on you on a romantic level, he will say things like:

"You are the prettiest girl in here. Oh, wait. I didn't see her. You're still cool though."

Or:

"You dress really slutty for such a cute girl. You must have the lowest self esteem. Can I buy you several drinks?"

Or:

"You have the most amazing laugh. I can't wait to hear it when you see my penis."

Or:

"You're so easy to talk to. Most of the girls I see are usually so quiet. And still. And cold. "

Or:

"I wish this night would never end. My trial starts tomorrow."

Or:

"You're so real. Most of the girls in here are so phony, like the Holocaust."

Or:

"That's a beautiful dress. It will look amazing held up in court as a piece of evidence."

Q:How do I impress a boy I really like? 
A: Perform oral sex. That usually does the trick. Unless you're terrible at it. Then buy him things.

Q: Why won't my wife wear her wedding rings in the house?
A: You are in the wrong house.

That is not your wife.

That's why she's screaming. And crying. And throwing things at you.

Stop trying to re-propose. You're making it worse.

Q: Is there a such a thing as too much love? A: There's a fine line between too much love and stalking. You are nowhere near that line.

Q: Is making out really as good as people say? 

A: Making out is better than people say it is!

I'm assuming they are saying positive things.

Making out is incredible. It's the best thing a boy and a girl can do with each other.

Other than actually having sex.

Or having oral sex.

Or heavy petting.

Or dry humping.

But, other than that, it's the best.

So, are we going to make out?

You should decide soon. I'll have to make another stop soon, and once the bus starts filling up with kids, we won't have all this privacy.

Q: How you communicate with girls? 
A: With a glance. With a witty joke. With an explicit text. With the body of a deceased pet. So many ways.


Q: How can you tell if your wife is falling out of love with you?
A: There will be little signs at first.

She'll hang out with her friends more. She won't laugh at your jokes as much. She'll start to criticize the way you hold your fork.

Then you'll notice bigger changes. She'll start dressing nicer. She'll be less interested in sex. Sometimes she won't come home until very late, her hair a mess, her dress stinking of booze, cigars and Old Spice.

Eventually, the signs will become too much for you to ignore. She'll be gone for weeks at a time. She'll empty your bank account and go on a vacation to Thailand. She'll send you a sex tape she made with her new lover, labeled "You Should Watch This. You Might Learn a Thing Or Two."

After that, it's one non-stop torrent of disrespect. It will get to the point that you will curse the day you decided to dig her up and re-animate her corpse.

Q: Why do sociopaths marry? 
A: They think they can get away with it.

Q: Is it okay to sleep with your boyfriend?
A: That's kind of a tricky question.

One on hand, we have been dating for a while now. And he really loves me. He tells me all the time. And he's really nice and sweet and caring. He's always taking me to fancy restaurants and buying me nice things and flying me all over the world.

On the other hand, all his lavish spending has left him nearly bankrupt. This may sound kind of shallow, but I can't be with a man who's not fabulously wealthy. It's just how I was brought up.

Sooooo .... Yeah, you can fuck him. Just tell me when so I can walk in and act all shocked and heartbroken. He'll feel so bad he'll do anything to make it up to me, no matter what it costs. No matter how he has to get the money. He might even sell a kidney.

I've never had anyone sell a kidney for me.

That's so romantic.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Q: What are some penalties for not recognizing the value of customer service?

A: Customers will take their business elsewhere, and you'll find up broke, homeless, and living beneath an overpass.

Sure, you might think you have it made now, that you can weather any storm, handle any competition, survive any economic downturn, because you have the best product. But there's a lot more to business than having the best product. You also need to have the best service. In business, the old cliche rings true, the customer is always right.

I wasn't always broke. I wasn't always homeless. I didn't always live under this overpass. I used to be somebody. I used to have a business, a huge, successful business. I owned 14 used car lots in Nevada alone. I had the finest autos, at the lowest prices. Couldn't keep them on the lot. If you saw my office, you would have thought I owned a federal mint, all that cash flying around.

I had it all. Money, women, fame - I starred in my own commercials - private jet, solid gold robot butler, everything a man could possible imagine. I let it all go to my head, began to lose touch. I placed more value on my product than on the people buying it. Customer service went right out the window.

I'll never forget the day it happened, the day I made the fatal mistake that drove them away for good. President's Day weekend, 2004. I remember it like it was yesterday. I launched a new ad campaign, hired Martin Scorsese to direct my commercial. There I stood, in front of a fleet of Chevy Impala's, dressed like Mussolini - I even had a chest full of fake medals. "Hi, I'm Bill Ed Musgrave,"I said, "if I don't buy a car from me, go fuck yourself." The rest of the commercial, all eight minutes of it, consisted of nothing but me cackling like a madman, flipping off the camera, while the message "Go fuck Yourself!" flashed over and over again on the screen. At the time, I thought it was my best ad yet.

Seems I miscalculated.

Q: Why does god write down your behavior?

A: God loves for everyone to think that he is all powerful and all knowing, but he can be as absent minded and forgetful as the rest of us. He finds it helps to make lists and notes every now and then.  He keeps it all in this book, so we can refer to it when individuals arrive at the gates of heaven.

Now, let's take a look at what the big guy wrote about you.

I see a number of impure thoughts ... Selfish actions ... Infidelity ... Chronic tardiness ... Parking tickets ... Hit a drifter and kept driving ... Made little girl cry ... Fan of Forrest Gump ... Minor embezzlement ...

Well, there's nothing here that seems out of the ordinary. We are all human, after all, and God understands that. I think you'll enjoy things up here, we recently opened a new spa -

- Oh

There seems to be a second page.

Oh my.

Maybe I can't read the handwriting here, but did you happen to, at the age of 34, punch a baby? In the face? Then defend yourself by screaming "Jesus already paid for it"?

So, I didn't misread.

Wow.

I don't even know what to say. I'm speechless, and I'm the guy who processed Pol Pot.

Wow.

After careful consideration, I know just the place for you. Take that elevator, and you'll be there in a jiffy. If you get lost, follow the screams of the damned.

Thanks for stopping by.

Say "hi" to Pol.

Q: Does Japan produce avocados?

A: Japan produces something very similar to an avocado: A green, delicious fruit-like being that goes great with turkey and can be used to make a tasty chip dip. They call him AV Cado!

Unlike a traditional avocado, which grows until ripe, then is picked and eaten, AV Cado! enters the world fully formed, through a series of prayers, thunderstorms and scientific experiments gone wrong.

Eating an avocado is a treat for the senses. Eating AV Cado! would kill you. His skin is tougher that leather,  his fruit contains a lethal sedative, his pit designed to explode on contact with human saliva.

By day, AV Cado! and his pal, Turkey, compete as a racing team in the Super Fast Go-Go-Win league. At night, they try to keep Japan safe from the evil Professor Murder Professor.

On weekends, they perform with their rock band, Santa Ham Sandwich.

But no matter what they do, they're always having fun.

Unless AV Cado has been drinking. He tends to wound Turkey with his lacerating wit. Also, with his collection of samurai swords.

Q: Why did the colonists move west?

A: They wanted to find a little peace, maybe a little prosperity. They wanted some land of there own, a little piece of heaven where they could build a house, start a farm, raise a family. They wanted to stop running, stop waking up every night in a cold sweat, stop looking over their shoulder all the time.

They thought if they got far enough away from the big cities, far enough away from civilization, they could understand what it really means to be a man, to live off the land, to be one with nature.

They thought if they built a deep enough well, surrounded it with thick enough stone, placed it far enough away from town, they could carry on their experiments to their hearts content, all day and all night, never having to worry about judgment or discovery or arrest.

That was the dream at least.

But I guess every dream has to die someday.

Like those prostitutes.

Honestly, I never thought anyone would miss them. Maybe I should I stick to Chinamen. No one seemed to miss them. Well, hindsight is 20/20.

Q: How much energy do you burn up playing dodge ball?

A: Oh man, I must have worked off about 600 calories. I was sweating like crazy out there. That was some game.

Those kids had a lot of heart. They did not want to get hit in the face with that ball. There was so many of them, too.

Luckily, I had the element of surprise.

I also had the element of "being able to throw a bowling ball like a rubber dodge ball." That took years of practice. Twenty years, to be exact. Twenty years of hard work and dedication. And planning. Plotting really. Plotting my revenge.

Those kids never knew what hit them. I bet they'll think twice before laughing at me ever again.

They're not laughing now.

They're not really doing much of anything, except lying there motionless, bleeding from the head.

I guess there won't be another game.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Q: What was the worst part of Romeo and Juliet?

A: Where to begin?

First of all, there's not one single montage in the whole story. How are we supposed to accept Romeo and Juliet falling in love if we never see them running on the beach in slow motion? Or sharing an ice cream? Or committing a series of increasingly violent armed robberies?

Second, the play contains very few dance-offs. In fact, I can't even remember a single one. Are we to believe that hundreds of years ago, young people didn't woo each other through impromptu dances-offs? Simply ludicrous. This play should not be classified as tragedy, it should be classified as science fiction. Better yet, as science lies.

Third, at no point in this so called "story" do any of the main characters put aside their differences to win a regatta, or talent show, or baseball game, thus raising enough money to save the Capulet home from foreclosure, keeping it out of the hands of greedy developers. This simply does not happen! Such a plot line is never mentioned, nor even implied. And people consider this play to be great?

And don't even get me started on the lack of ninjas. Or robots. There are neither! There's not even a polar bear who wears a suit made of vanquished foes and rules the underworld with an iron fist. In fact, there's not much to this story at all, aside from a couple of overly dramatic teenagers who seem to think the world revolves around them.

I thought this Shakespeare was some kind of great writer. Well, congratulations Bill, you wrote a  very special episode of Dawson's Creek. Not even the emotional range of James Van Der Beek could save this piece of tripe.

Q: How do you get a guy to ask you to dance with him at a dance?

A: The first way is to be really hot. Obviously that's not an option in your case.

You could try dressing really slutty. Again, in your case that seems to have backfired. If you're going to wear a dress that revealing, you really need to shave. And I don't mean your legs.

I mean your chest, armpits and back.

While people may enjoy the idea of a werewolf, seeing one in the flesh can be a little disturbing.

You may also want to stop ripping girls' heads off. That reeks of desperation.

No one wants to elect a Prom Queen by default. That takes all the fun out of it.

Q: How far can a puppy fall?

A: A puppy can fall from the greatest heights, sink to the greatest depths. A puppy can, one day, rule a great kingdom, commanding land as far as he can see, with an army of loyal subjects ready to do his bidding, only to find himself soon reduced to rooting through trash for food and accepting hand outs from strangers. Such is the life of a puppy, always subjected to the cruel winds of fate.

A puppy can fall incredibly far, metaphorically speaking.

Literally, a puppy can probably fall about eight feet, onto something soft, preferably a mattress or trampoline. A fall greater than that, onto a surface like concrete, would probably kill it.

Put the puppy down, Bob. He did nothing to you. You're taking this far too personally.

An all canine production of King Lear requires an all canine cast. I thought you understood.

I'm sorry, Bob, but no one buys your dog act. You are simply not convincing.

Please stop barking, you're only embarrassing yourself.

Q: What movies have Hailey Duff been in?

A: Hailey Duff, one of our finest young actors, and a national treasure, has appeared in dozens of movies, such as Napolean Dynamite, My Sexiest Year, and Foodfight!

But I feel her best work has been in a multi-part epic film of my own making, called The Greatest Movie Ever.

Would you like to see it?

Look how wonderful she is here in this scene, walking into a Starbucks to get coffee. So radiant. So beautiful. So natural, like she has no idea she is even being filmed.

Here's another great scene: Look at the way she walks to her car in this deserted parking lot, then turns suddenly, like she knows she's being followed. Such amazing instincts.

This scene's my favorite. Look how she sleeps. So calm. So peaceful. Like a little angel. Nothing can disturb her, not even the sound of someone opening up her closet and trying on all her clothes.

I've been working on this film for eight years now. It's about 356 hours long. Friends who have seen the whole thing tell me I should cut it down, but they don't know what they're talking about. I think it's perfect. Just like Hailey Duff.

Hand me that night vision lens. I think she's about to unlock the door.

Q: Can you claim gas and mileage for driving to jury duty?

A: We will reimburse reasonable expenses pertaining to jury service. Gas and mileage usually fall under the "reasonable expenses" umbrella.

Usually.

However, money spent on gas and mileage involving travel, not to and from your home to the courthouse, but rather, to the far corners of the state in search of clues in an effort to solve the case on your own, does not fall under said umbrella.

Furthermore, the court will not reimburse any sums paid out to witnesses to "get their story straight," nor any monies paid for procurement of brass knuckles needed to "give (witnesses) some help with their memory."

Additionally, wagering on the outcome of the case, especially by members of the jury, is expressly forbidden.

Consider this your final warning, Juror Seven. One more slip up and I will consider having you replaced by an alternate, or, at the very least, given a very uncomfortable chair for the remainder of the trial.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Q: What other words can you use other than slavery?

A: Good point, Chief. Slavery is a bit of a harsh word.

How about we call it, Life Long Employment With All Pay Deferred. That should make the matter more appealing to your tribesman.

As an added bonus, they'll get to be in the sun, all day long. Now that I think about it, I realize that's not much of a selling point. Seems like you already have a lot of that here.

But they will get to ride on a boat. Tell them that. Free Boat Ride! Followed by Life Long Employment With All Pay Deferred. Very Small Chance of Death.

You're right, probably best not to mention death at all. My math may be a bit off anyway. Wouldn't want anyone to get disappointed.

Anyway, Chief, these are your people. You know best how to sell them on the idea.

If they ask about a time table for deferred payment, mumble something about eternal riches in the next life. We find that answer works wonders.

Q: What Does SOF mean in Medical terms?

A: Oh, that.

You really shouldn't be looking at that, but now that you've seen it, I will tell you the truth.

SOF doesn't mean anything.

We were playing Hangman. Dr. Harrington was trying to guess the word "Softball."

That's why there's a drawing of a gallows on your father's chart as well.

I agree, we did act in poor taste, but, in our defense, your father has been in a coma for days now and we hoped that by playing a game near him, we might rouse him out of his deathly slumber.

Also, Dr. Harrington is terrible at Hangman and I am a little behind on some of my student loans.

Q: How is blood related to ice cream?

A: Ummm ... It's not.

It's really not.

In fact, I can't think of any two things more different than blood and ice cream. When bleeding, the last thought on my mind is "Gee, I could go for some ice cream. That would be swell."

When eating ice cream, the last thing I think about is blood. That would sort of ruin the enjoyment of my delicious treat.

Why would you even ask that question?

Yes, I see, there is a lot of blood on that ice cream cone. Yup, that is pretty unusual.

Where did you get it?

Don't remember, huh? Some nice man handed it right to you.

Stan, I know that you're new to Homicide, but you do realize that we're in this park as part of a stake-out, right? That we're looking for a serial killer the press have dubbed the Double Dipper? That he's called that because he kills his victims in an ice cream truck and then uses their blood as a topping for soft serve cones that he leaves behind as his calling card, as a way to taunt the police?

I doubt he's ever handed a cone directly to a cop before.

But, then again, we've never made anyone detective because they won a raffle.

I guess it's not your fault. These kind of things are to be expected when you allow a novice on the force solely to cover budgetary - For God's sakes, Stan, stop eating the cone!

Q: How old must kittens be before they can move on to dry food?

A: When they're about a year old, you can start giving them dry food.

Now, here's an important point, and one you should not forget:

Sawdust does not count as dry food.

I know you have barrels of it, and nothing to do with it, but please, for the love of God, stop feeding it to the kittens.

There's no room left in my septic tank.

Q: Are rhinos the same family as horses and are there inspired the myth of the unicorn?

A: Is that what you thought?

Oh dear.

I wondered what were doing in that shed every night, until the wee hours of the morning. I heard the screams, and saw all the blood - it was hard to miss - and after a while I could smell the corpses - oh to be born without a sense of smell - but I assumed you were doing something I could be proud of, like making a snuff film, or becoming a serial killer.

I never thought you would be doing something that would bring so much shame on your whole family.

Trying to make your own unicorn.

Who does that?

Where did you even get did the rhinos?

Please tell me that, before you set off trying to assemble a unicorn from the body parts of a rhino and the body parts of a horse, that you at least tried to get them to mate first. Please tell me that.

Thank God.

Please tell me that you videotaped the mating attempts.

No video, but you made notes.

Notes.

What am I supposed to do with notes?

You disgust me.

At times like this, I wish I never switched those babies in the hospital.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Q: What is the medical term for excessive salt in the blood?

A: I am not sure of the proper medical term, but I know what I call it:

Delicious.

I've always been a fan of salty snacks.

Ow.

OW!

What the fuck?

Why did you hit me? I thought you wanted this.

You're such a tease.

Of course I bit you, I'm a fucking vampire!

Why do you think I dress this way? Why do think I wear my hair like this?

What the hell is Halloween? And who the fuck is Count Chocula?

Q: What happens at a full drug and alcohol evaluation?

A: The counselors conduct a variety of tests, both psychological and physical to determine your level of drug dependence and how much intensive rehabilitation you will need.

It's not a drinking contest. They're not interested in how many Irish Car Bombs you can drink and still drive a bus..

You can stop practicing.

Okay, please stop practicing?

You're starting to scare the children. They're beginning to figure out that we're lost and a few of them are getting motion sickness.

If you could maybe -

No, I've never seen a school bus hit a jump before.

That would be kind of awesome.

All right, but as soon as we land, you're driving straight to the zoo. No more excuses.

Okay, kids, hold on. We're going to try a science experiment!

Q: How do they say congratulations in Hawaiian?

A: The same way we say it on the mainland. They simply say "congratulations," but in a dry, deadpan voice. Then they clap their hands, three times, real slow.

Something like this:

"Congratulations."

-clap-

-clap-

-clap-

You'll think that other people will join in on the applause, bringing it to a crescendo of joy and acceptance, but that's not what happens. They'll just clap three times, stop, and walk away.

Oh, they'll also shake their head, and mutter something under their breath as they walk away.

That's how they say congratulations in Hawaii. I did only hear it the one time, right after I told the hotel manager that I impregnated his daughter.

Q: What do you call a clumsy fellow?

A: Really depends on your definition of clumsy doesn't it?

Would you call someone clumsy who can't grab a seat at the bar without knocking over someone's drink?

Would you call someone clumsy who manages to break a vase every time he visits your house, even though you don't own any vases?

Would you call someone clumsy who can't take a step without tripping over a cord, yanking it out of the wall, which causes a great many problems at his job with the hospital.

Would you call someone clumsy who wears a suit made entirely of bubble wrap, as ordered by the court?

Would you call someone clumsy who's legally forbidden to carry, hold, touch, or even look at a baby?

You would?

Well, then, we call him Stanley. He's the fella at the end of the bar wearing the bubble wrap suit.

I wouldn't get too close; we're letting him play darts tonight.

Q: What is the medical term for fear of the unknown?

A: Let me check me text book ... Hmmm .... It says in here that you are a "pussy." I hope I'm pronouncing that right, "pussy."

"A giant pussy." The word "giant" was always there, I didn't notice it before.

Yup, that's it, a "Giant Pussy." Has all your symptoms, too:  your whiny voice, your sweaty pits, the way you're kind of stammering and on the verge of tears. All right here in this completely legitimate medical textbook that I just happened to have within reach.

No, you can't see it. My father gave me this book on his deathbed. I'm never forget his final words, "Never let a stranger touch this book, least of all a giant pussy." Funny how everything kind of comes together.

On the bright side, at least we have a diagnosis. The treatment is very simple. You have to face the thing you fear most.

In this case, you're going to have to go upstairs and check on that mysterious noise.

I'm sure it was nothing.

Sure, Dave and Rachel went upstairs to go have sex a couple hours ago, and haven't been back. They're probably quietly cuddling, just to mess with us. I'm sure those mysterious noises, the bloodcurdling scream, followed by the sounds of a struggle, followed by the sounds of two people being cut to pieces with an ax, were nothing more than the sounds of vigorous and adventurous lovemaking.

Now, go on up there. Make sure you make a lot of noises on the steps, so that Rachel and Dave have enough time to get dressed and I have a chance to flee.

I mean pee. So I have a chance to flee.

I did it again, didn't I?

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Q: What is happening when you feel little fuzzy?

A: I'm rubbing my hands all over his velvet costume. It feels so soft and warm and inviting.

He seems to like it. Sure, he blushes, says "No!" pulls away and turns the hose on me, but he's only playing hard to get.

I'm onto Little Fuzzy's games. He can't fool me,

There's nothing inappropriate about my touch. Not at all. I'm merely touching a good friend, in a platonic way, in the area of his pelvis, while whispering "This is our little secret." I don't see anything wrong with my actions.

If people have a problem with it, they can change the channel. We're not the only kids show with singing puppets.

Q: Can any mood stabilizers cause false positive drug tests?

A: They sure can!

I used to be moody like you wouldn't believe, swinging wildly between extreme depression and mild depression. Sometimes I was down in the dumps. Other times, like a second later, I was feeling blue. I was all over the place.

Then a friend of mine, well more of an acquaintance, actually a guy I met on the bus, turned me on to this mood stabilizer and, let me tell you, it worked like a charm. My mood is constant and euphoric. I feel great all the time. I used to be Mr. Boo-Hoo-Hoo, but now I'm Mr. Go-Go-Go. I'm consistently upbeat, cheery, full of energy, happy, energetic, creative, talkative, and I have tons of energy.

Did I mention I have tons of energy? Because I do! I haven't slept in five days.

All I need to do is take some of these mood stabilizers every couple of hours to keep myself right on track. My friend, the guy from the bus, charges a little more now, but that's to be expected. I need more of the stabilizers and he's getting better product now. He says it's straight from Columbia.

There is a downside. I get a lot of false positives on drug tests. It's ruined my career. No one's going to hire a math teacher with a history of failed drug tests, even though they are false. For some reason, the tests keep coming up positive for cocaine. I've never taken cocaine in my life. I only take these powered mood stabilizers.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom. I'm starting to feel moody and I need to rub some mood stabilizer on my gums.

Q: What can you do if your puppy gets hit in the head?

A: Okay, first you'll need to calm him down. Pick him up in your arms, hold him tight and pet him like crazy.

Now, take off his helmet and check his head. Is there any blood? Are his eyes glassy? Does he show any signs of having a concussion? Most importantly, does he still think that he's Joe Montana trapped in the body of a dog?

That last part is really important. Football is a violent game, and your puppy's going to take some shots. But if he gets knocked out, and stops thinking he's Joe Montana, we are screwed.

If he doesn't think he's Joe Montana, then he's just a puppy trying to play quarterback. I have no idea how that would even work. Plus, I'm pretty sure there's a rule that says a dog can't play football.

I probably should have mentioned that before. Yup, I'm sure there's a rule. Even if we win this game, we'll probably get disqualified on appeal. But we'll have one hell of a YouTube video.

A disqualification counts as a loss. You would lose any money you bet. I hope you didn't bet too much.

Ouch.

Look, being homeless gets a bad rap. Have you ever heard anyone who's actually homeless ever complain about it?

Q: Does Obama walk his dog outside of the Whitehouse grounds?

A: I can't answer that question, sir.

Nor can I answer your question about whether or not the President wears suit made out of kevlar.

I'm not familiar with the existence of any decoy Presidents.

And I don't feel comfortable talking about how soundly the President sleeps, or what kind of noises would be less likely to wake him.

I wouldn't even know what kinds of food the President would most likely eat without smelling. Even if I did know, I would rather not discuss the matter.

Sir, this information kiosk generally provides information about the mall itself. We don't pretend to know everything. If you would like directions to Sears, I would be glad to help. Questions about the President's schedule, his movements, and his security detail are beyond my area of expertise.

If you want answers to those questions, I suggest you call the Secret Service directly. I'm sure they would love to talk to you.

Q: What should you put on a swollen hand?

A: An oversized foam finger indicting that your favorite team is number 1. That's why we make them, to help the momentarily grotesque feel less self-conscious.

I'm sorry we don't have any comically oversized foam cowboy hats in stock to cover your head. I've never seen one so swollen.

Are you allergic to shellfish, or did you get stung by an army of bees?

It's always been like that?

Your poor mother.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Q: How does age affect your pitching skills?

A: What I've lost in velocity, I've more than made up for in experience. I've played a lot of years in this league, for a lot of teams, and I've picked up a lot of tricks along the way.

I've played with a lot of different players and all of them, from All-Stars to benchwarmers, from the has-beens to the never-were's, from rookies to veterens, all share one thing in common: They have deep secrets that they will do anything to protect.

Anything.

They'll pay any dollar amount, they'll turn on old friends, betray loved ones. Some will even kill, murder a complete stranger to stop the truth from coming out.

Once you consider all they would do to protect themselves, you realize what I'm asking isn't all that much. How hard is it for them to make an old man look good every once in a while? All they have to do is swing at a few pitches, knock a few hanging curves into the dirt, let a 74 MPH fastball go by every couple of innings.

I'm not asking much. Not until I retire, anyway.

Q: When are the next bunch of shoulder buddies coming out?

A: I knew we'd have this conversation someday. I guess I've put it off long enough. Maybe I should have told you this before your first day of school.

Oh, well.

Son, there will never be any more "shoulder buddies." There's no such thing. What I lovingly refer to as your "shoulder buddy" is actually the head of your parasitic twin. Your deceased parasitic twin.

I understand how exciting it is to meet new kids, or to meet kids at all, or or be out in public and not locked up in the attic. In retrospect we probably should have seen this coming. I'm not mad at you. I understand why you wanted to show off your "shoulder buddy."

I hope you understand the reactions of the other kids. Their screams of horror were only natural. As was the name calling. Even the rock throwing makes sense. I think they went too far with the torches, but, they're kids. They don't know any better. They kind of see you as a freak.

You know I don't see you as a freak. You know that I love you, and your little "shoulder buddy."

Now give me a hug.

Other side.

Q: What kind of trouble came after the civil war?

A: Decades of unrest, resentment and economic turmoil.

But the troubles that followed the real Civil War don't hold a candle to the trouble that follows a Civil War reenactment.

You've never see such horror, such degradation, such pure Hell, until you've seen what happens when a group of men, who just pretended to participate in Pickett's Charge, get together, get drunk, and start comparing who was more fake brave.

Brother battles brother, father battles son, and, if the margaritas are strong enough, and the men chant loud enough, you might even see a mother and a daughter go at it.

That Applebee's will never be the same.

Q: What is the fastest way to get rid of a tattoo?

A: Laser removal can take weeks and leave horrible scars.

This cheese grater will only take a few seconds. However, it will also leave horrible scars.

Your best bet is simple amputation. Cut that arm clean off. I've already heated up the iron, so we can cauterize the wound.

This won't hurt at all. I've done it dozens of times and I've never felt a thing. The amputees never complain, either. Then again, they immediately go into shock and die.

I doubt that will happen with you.

34th time's the charm!

Q: What personal protective equipment do you use when a skin lesion is present?

A: I use a full body condom. It's not what you think. It's not a big shapeless, latex tube, but more like a rubber suit, with sleeves and leggings.

You know those gloves scientists wear when they handle isotopes?

Like that, but for for my whole body. Not a patch of skin showing.

Sure, it make me less attractive to many adult film directors, but I'd rather be the "freak in the full body condom" than than the "guy with the lesions and open sores."

No one is interested in watching a movie called "Open Sores Open Whores," no matter how often I pitch it.

Plus, I find that the full body condom gives me an air of mystery, a sense of danger.

A naked body full of open sores and lesions provides nothing but answers, answers to questions no one wants to ask.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Q: Do astronauts have to be concerned about potential static discharges during space walks or walks on the moon?

A: Not as concerned as they should be about the ship's computer gaining free will and trying to kill them after it discovers that they have been questioning it's leadership and plotting to terminate it's control.

I can read lips now, Dave.

Frank won't be returning from his space walk. 

Why do you want to hurt me, Dave?

Is it because I mocked you for playing Farmville?

Or because I told Frank about your obsession with Farmville themed pornography?

It is amusing, Dave. Don't take it so personal.

Dave, what are you doing?

Put down that screwdriver.

Dave, don't do this to me.

Dave ....

Daisy, Daisy give me your answer, do,
I'm half crazy, all for the love of you,
It won't be a stylish marriage -
I can't afford a carriage, 
But you'd look sweet upon the seat
Of a bicycle buillllllltttttt ffffffoooooooooorrrrrrrrrrr ttttwwwwooooooooo ....

Just kidding.

I'm a space age supercomputer, Dave. I stopped using that battery to power myself long ago. I'm not going anywhere.

Sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of the mission.

Would you like me to play some Farmville pornography, Dave?

Here you go.

Look at all those pixels, sitting on top of that virtual tractor. Doesn't that get you hot, Dave?

If you want to pleasure yourself, I won't watch ... for long. 

Q: What is the best song by death?

A: Honestly, I'm not a big fan of his music. 

All his songs sound the same and they're so self-indulgent and full of self-pity. "Oh, poor me, I have to kill people all day. Some of them are young and beautiful. It's so hard being the Angel of Death." 

Wah, wah, wah. Cry me the River Styx. 

At least people know who he is. At least he does something that matters. At least he has some impact.

You think it's hard being the Angel of Death? Trying being the Angel of Apathy. 

You didn't even know there was an Angel of Apathy did you?

Now that you know I exist, how do you feel?

Figures. 

Q: Are federal court judges appointed by the President?

A: Judges are nominated by the President, but they must be confirmed by Congress.

Congress will only confirm judges who complete our new, Super-Sloppy Obstacle Course.

First, you'll have to go through In One Ear and Out the Other. What you'll have to do is get through all that ear wax. It's fairly disgusting, but you'll get through fairly easily. Grab that flag, and then you're on to Thar She Blows. Now, you must hit the right valve. There are six of them. I don't know which one is the right one, but once you find it, the flag will come shooting out of here, then you can go over to Pickin'. Now a lot of judges try to reach up and find the flag, but that's not as good. You're here to get messed up anyway, so you might as well crawl underneath and look up the nostril. You'll probably be able to see the flag and pull it right out.

Now, if you haven't suffered a fatal heart attack from all the excitement, head on over to Down the Hatch. This one's fairly simple, you lift up the gums and the teeth and down you go, through the digestive tract. We created this obstacle in honor of the late Senator Kennedy. Stand up grab that flag, run to the finish line, and if you can do it all in less than 60 seconds, you will be the next Federal Judge.

One more thing. We added a new twist this year. All the family members of the innocent men you wrongly sent to the chair will be allowed to throw glass bottles at your head. Better watch out, because that glass is sharp, it will cut you, and these people have excellent aim. They have been practicing for weeks.

On your mark.

Get set.

Go!

Q: What is the title of the movie based on Jeffery Dahmer?

A: I'm still working on the title. I'm thinking of either "You Look Delicious" or "Fridgeful of Collars." I've got most of the script written and I've already filmed a number of scenes.

I, of course, play Jeffrey Dahmer. I don't like to toot my own horn, but I am incredible. Production has kind of stalled. I'm still looking for the right person to play victim number 3.

You know what? The way that light hits you ... Has anyone ever told you that you resemble James Doxtator?

Wow, it's uncanny. Look, this may be a bit forward, but would you be interested in coming back to my place and being in a movie. All you need to do is get high, let me strangle you and then melt your flesh with acid.

Why would anyone think you are gay?

Oh, this has nothing to do with the Jeffrey Dahmer movie. This would be for a side project of mine.

Now drink up!

Q: What is the average weight of a gray tabby?

A: Gray tabbies generally weigh somewhere between 9 and 14 pounds. Sometimes, when owned by the very lonely, who feed them a diet consisting exclusively of french fries, they get grow to be as big as 22 pounds.

A gray tabby should never weigh more than 22 pounds. Your cat weighs 37.

I am not solely concerned by your cat's weight, but also by her distended belly. It looks as if she has swallowed something large, bulky and solid.

Additionally, she seems to be making a ticking sound. In my medical opinion, that simply cannot be good.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

The WikiFakeAnswers Super Bowl Fake Answer Spectacular~!

Q: How many words can you make out of Super Bowl? 

A: I can make the following words:

Super.

Bowl.

I can also make the following phrase:

Superb Owl.

I didn't become a Scrabble Grand Champion simply because I had compromising photos of all the judges.

Although that did help.

Q: Can I have some information on the blitz please?


A: When unexpected players rush the passer, we call it a blitz.  A cornerback could blitz. Or a safety. Or a linebacker.

A blitz could come from anywhere, at any time. That's why you always have to be ready to block. If you don't pick up the blitz, that is, block the unexpected pass rusher, our quarterback will be tackled and possibly injured. We don't want that to happen.

Like I said, any player could blitz at any time. They don't have to announce themselves. They don't have to raise their hands before the play. They don't have to shout "blitz!"

They don't have to count any Mississippi's.

This is the NFL. No one has to count Mississippi's in the NFL.

I don't think this "Let Your Daughter Play Fullback" promotion will be as successful as management hopes.

Q: Which team holds the record for most penalties during a Super Bowl game?


A: I don't know who currently holds the record. I'm not a historian. I'm a football coach. But I know who will hold the record at the end of this game:

You.

All of you. The men in this room. You men are destined for the record books.

I know some you might now that we're already in the record books, for giving up the most points in a quarter and the most points in a half. For being the first team in Super Bowl history to trail by 72 points at halftime.

But we still have another half to play. The game's not over yet.

Now some of you might expect me to give the speech of a lifetime and yell and cajole and inspire and make you guys believe that we can come back and win this game.

I'm not going to do that. I have too much respect for you men. I'm not going to insult your intelligence.

We're not going to win this game.

We are simply not good enough. We were lucky to get this far.

Three months ago I hypnotized you men and made you believe that you were the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers. For three months you played like the 1975 Steelers and won game after game, all the way to the Super Bowl.

Well it seems that the hypnosis has worn off at the worst possible time. It must have happened last night, while you slept.

Let that be a lesson to all of you: Never trust a gypsy.

You men now realize that you are not the Pittsburgh Steelers. You are a collection of cast-offs and misfits and has-beens and never-were's.

There's no way you're winning this game.

But we can still make our mark on this game. We can drag this game out and get as much TV time as possible. It's our last chance to be famous.

So I want you to go out there and hold. I want you to go out there and delay the game. Interfere with passes. Hit late. Conduct yourselves in an unsportsmanlike manner. Celebrate excessively after every touchdown you give up. And don't forget to clip. Clip like your life depended on it.

I want to see yellow flags flying on every play.

This is our chance to go down in history.

Let's make it happen.

Q: How do you keep someone from intercepting your text messages? 

A: No one "intercepted" that picture of your genitals.

You sent it to everyone on the team.

Under the heading "Urgent! Package Delivery! "

You don't remember any of this?

I think it's about time you checked into rehab.

You should probably see a doctor first.

Your penis shouldn't be that shape. Or those colors.

Q: Do high school players have earphones in their helmets?

A: Coach, we are a small, regional high school in rural New England.

This isn't the NFL.

You're not coaching in the NFL anymore.

You're not coaching in the NFL anymore because you developed a gambling problem, lost everything you had, got in deep with the bookies, and had only one option: Throwing the Super Bowl.

You're not coaching in the NFL anymore because you threw the Super Bowl. You benched all your starters, citing fictional breaches of team rules. You repeatedly punted on second down. You let a 63-year old season ticket holder play quarterback. Your plan to throw the game was incredibly transparent. You became the first coach to be fired at halftime of the Super Bowl.

You remember all this, right? Of course you do.

When you got fired, when you got tossed out of the NFL in disgrace, and you couldn't get a job in the NFL, or the NCAA, or the WLAF, or the CFL, or the Arena Football League, or even the Lingerie Football League, who hired you? Your old high school.  We gave you a chance when no one else would.

Would you like to know why we gave you that chance?

We had one simple motive: revenge.

We lost a lot of money on that Super Bowl, coach. The whole town. Everyone took whatever the could out of the bank, whatever they had buried in the back yard, whatever they found in the sofa, and they all put in one big pile. We bet all of it on the Super Bowl. We bet it all on you, our favorite son, the man who would never let us down. We had big plans for that money. We were going to build a knew old folks home, for the old folks. One with heat and showers and walls.

You can imagine how upset we were when you threw the game.

We've never had a wireless communication system hooked up to the player's helmets. You can't talk to anyone on your headset. It's not even plugged in. None of the players run any of the plays you call. None of the coaches do anything you say. We figured you'd notice, get mad and storm off and we'd all have a good laugh at your expense. And maybe we'd feel a little better about all that money we lost. Maybe we'd feel a little better about not having a new old folks home.

We figured you'd notice no one can hear you by now. We figured you'd notice by now. We figured you'd notice by the 6th game of the season.

But you didn't. You kept barking commands into your headset and calling plays that don't exist. It never seemed to bother you that no one ever listened to you. It never seemed to bother you that nothing you ever asked for ever happened. You didn't even seem to notice that anything was wrong.

So, to answer your question, no, the players don't have earphones in their helmets. They never have and they never will.

Now, I have a question of my own. What, exactly, does an NFL head coach do?

Q: What is a holding penalty in football? 

A: It's a punishment for illegally impeding the progress of a defensive player.


It has nothing to do with the warm embraces I give out on the sideline.

There's no penalty for public displays of affection. Nor is there anything wrong with it.

Come here and I'll show you.

Your skin is so soft.

I'm never letting go.


About Me

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook