Q: Does credit union verify funds on a check via phone?

A: As a high end retailer of sharks, barracudas, mer-men and other dangerous and exotic creatures of the sea, we must protect ourselves from entering into an agreement with unsavory individuals who might want to use these creatures for non-ornamental reasons, or who simply might not be able to afford the cost of the care and maintenance. While most people would love to own a killer shark or a an army of piranhas, not everyone can.

Should these beautiful creatures be misused in any way, in the staging of elaborate undersea heists, plots for world domination, that sort of thing, or merely abandoned, set loose in a public swimming pool once their owner starts getting his bills from the remote tribes who sold him villagers for food, the blame will not fall on the customer, I can assure you. No, the blame will fall on the good people of Poseidon Specialties.

To protect the company, employees must follow a few safeguards. We can't just hand one of our prized beasts over to everyone who wanders in off the street. No, first we assess the customer and answer a checklist of questions we memorized during training.

Questions like: Is the customer attempting to pay by check? Has the customer repeatedly asked about our check verification process? Is the customer's check written on a slice of pizza? Are there three or more  words misspelled on the pizza-check?  Has the customer asked which animal will best dispose of a dead body? Has the customer mentioned revenge as a motive for his interest in one of our creatures? Is the customer covered in blood? Does the blood appear to belong to someone else? Is the customer crying? Has the customer mentioned his experience making chum from scratch? Has the customer ended any statements with a sinister laugh? Has the customer inquired about our return policy? And so on. You get the picture.

A "Yes" to three or more of these questions, and I cannot make the sale.  Five or more and I'm required to call the police. Eight or more and I press this button here, opening the trap door beneath your feet, sending you into the Great White Shark Tank.

You're a "Yes" to fourteen questions.

Fourteen.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. I never read that far in the employee handbook.