Q: What are the business processes in hospital?

A: When a new patient arrives for treatment, whether for a rodent-rectum emergency or a common elective like mole removal, we have him fill out a complicated admissions form designed to promote an immediate sense of inferiority, letting the patient know that he is in the presence of experts far more dedicated, disciplined and learned than he could ever be; we find making the patient feel stupid and insignificant prevents him from questioning our methods later. Among these admissions forms we hide waivers to prevent malpractice lawsuits.

Once the patient has filled out the admission stack, already questioning his right to even be among such intellectual giants, occasionally stammering, body trembling,  we make sure he can pay. The last thing we'd want to do is spend hours and hours performing life-saving medical procedures only to get stiffed on the bill. The desire to help people and Hippocratic Oaths are just terrific ideas, but you can't buy a summer home in the Hamptons with good will.

After admittance, we stick the patient in refurnished supply closet, (billed as a "private room" costing at $2,750 a day), wheel in every working machine not currently in use, (making sure not to double up on machines - the swifter patients tend to notice), pump the patient full of the newest and most expensive drugs, (a sedated patient is a happy patient), send in every expert and intern available, (all with individual consultation fees), and order the widest variety of tests possible, (tests which require the most lab time to get results being preferable).

By this point, the patient will have been a tenant for at least a week and, thanks to bed rest, an abundance fluids, and time away from his soul-crushing job, will start to feel better. We prescribe the newest drug from the pharmaceutical company that gives us the largest kick back, load the patient with crutches, ace bandages and bedpans, and send him on the way.

Three days later we send him the bill. At this point he will require the services of one of our psychiatrists. They  bill by the hour.